OK, so let me ask you a question because i feel very confused at times like this. I at first thought you didnt think i should have spoke to my wife, then i felt you thought i should have with the gambling analogy, now i feel the opposite again!!
I dont really know if you should or shouldnt have done it. What I am saying is that the way this works for me is that you set goals, and do what gets you closer to them. Sometimes, doing nothing is better than doing something. Sometimes not.
Without really understanding your overall goals, and what you were trying to "achieve" with this discussion, it's hard to really assess whether or not you should have done it. Looking back, do you think you are closer or farther from your goal? That should tell you all you need to know about whether this was a beneficial conversation.
Sorry for any confusion. Im really not trying to be cryptic!
understood, and i know you are not trying to be confusing.
loaded question about getting closer to the goal. I know we all found this place trying to sort out a way to get our spouse back. We are told that we need to detach, gal, and set goals for ourselves. If my ultimate end goal with doing all of this is to somehow get my W back and i have not abandoned that goal along with creating others for myself then i do not know if it had or not.
I know it has helped me let go a little bit more than i was because i voiced some things that i have been afraid to. I was afraid to rock her boat and was putting myself second.
Did it do anything to help our R, well who knows. time will tell.
thanks again
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
loaded question about getting closer to the goal. I know we all found this place trying to sort out a way to get our spouse back. We are told that we need to detach, gal, and set goals for ourselves. If my ultimate end goal with doing all of this is to somehow get my W back and i have not abandoned that goal along with creating others for myself then i do not know if it had or not.
I know it has helped me let go a little bit more than i was because i voiced some things that i have been afraid to. I was afraid to rock her boat and was putting myself second.
Do you think that this might be because your goal is too vague or too big? MWD talks about making a 30 foot putt in DR - you dont aim for the hole, you aim for a place 5 ft away. I think the biggest reason to do is is that you will be able to take these measured steps. You will KNOW if you are closer or farther away.
So think of it this way. Your "hole" may be restoring your marriage. One step to do that might be to remove the fear you have of disagreeing with your wife. In that case, this may have gotten you closer to THAT goal, which, in turn, gets you closer to the hole. Make sense?
perfect sense. I have told myself numerous times things will get harder before they can get better. I think this is just one of the harder on the road to better. I had to get the courage to look the hard in the face that is sitting on the road to better. I can not get there with out these hurdles getting faced.
thank you
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I think you did good with standing up to your W. You gave her a consequence for her not wanting you as her H. Because of her actions , she is asked to come up with a separation agreement. I have yet to ask that but it is a matter of time. I too did the bank changing thing. W was not happy but it is another consequence. As long as she is not willing to work on the M, I am sure there will be more.
Good work
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
that is kind of where i was with everything. I felt taken advantage of too much. She was running around like someone that has no responsibilities while i enabled her. I had to put a stop to it. the one part that i am just overthinking is the part asking about the paperwork. yes this did show strength on my side and that i am not chasing her, but it feels weird to ask for something to get done that i dont want.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
She went out last night as did I for the first time in a while. She constantly tried to find out when I would be home so she could let the babysitter know. I dodged the question a few times and finally told her to just let her know when you would be home and if I get there earlier then great. I made sure to get home after her! She did not seem happy.
Very typical of a WW. And, if you were to start going out with a "friend"....dressed as if you were on the prowl, and then staying most of the next night with that same "friend", you'd see just how unfair she sees you doing the same action as she's doing. I'm not saying that's what you need to do. I'm just letting you know it is typical.
She wouldn't like you asking for details about her plans, but she thinks she is entitled to know yours.
Quote:
the one part that i am just overthinking is the part asking about the paperwork. yes this did show strength on my side and that i am not chasing her, but it feels weird to ask for something to get done that i dont want.
DBing is counterintuitive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i agree with counter intuitive, but add difficult. You have to be on your toes at all times in my opinion. Right before typing this she called. I did not answer and called back later. She is trying to work out logistics of the evening with a soccer practice for my son. She is asking about dinner for the kids and i said they need to eat before as we would not get home until late. I did not offer to cook anything for them as i believe she wanted. She then mentioned the gym for herself. She has all day to go, i didnt even entertain this statement. She asked if i was coming home before or would just meet at practice. I kind of didnt answer by saying i have been really busy today and havent thought about it much or thought if i have anything to do. After that i kind of sat there for a moment then said ok, good bye.
its is like a chess game most of the time.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I think I just had something happen to me that hasn't before. I am sitting at my sons soccer practice early waiting for them. I said to myself "I hope sh wants to leave to go to the gym". I find that the first time. I don't obsess over her when she is not doing things that annoy me right in front of me. Weird feeling.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
