Walkaway Wife/WW/MLC Part 2

[Ancaire]

Jjal! So happy that you stopped in with updates. I'm sorry your W is still in the fog. MLC is the worst thing to go through as the spouse who stays sane. Watching the person you love destroy their lives and those of the people who care about them is the most helpless feeling ever.

I'm convinced my H is in MLC. My situation has taken yet another bizarre turn (this is Judy.) What else could explain the roller coaster? Insanity or MLC, and my H is 50. Total personality change, selfish, reckless, and hateful. The total opposite of the person I married.

I'm going to opt to get off the ride for a while, and watch from a distance. I don't know if I can ever move on, so I understand your feeling of indecision. If you're not ready, do nothing. Life is short, but not that short! You're not MLC, so no need to rush into anything.

I'm happy to hear you're not depending on booze nightly anymore. It is hard on these older bodies! Let the feelings come, so you can process them and be ready for what life brings you next...nothing worse than unsorted baggage.

[jjal]

Update:

Sorry I have been away so long, detaching from here helped too. Mental vacation was just what I needed...sort of.

She acknowledged the card I sent, also a 1 page handwritten letter I sent. A few weeks after, I sent another 1 page letter, and then another. Not whiny, not pleading, just letting her know my stance.

2 weeks back, she then returned with her own letter sent via email. It basically said we didn't share enough experiences together, we grew apart, were two totally different people, she has decided she liked living alone and wished to continue to do as such. Then she went on to say she'd spoken to an attorney. Wanted to know if I was okay, or not okay, she cared, she worried. Her heart ached for all the damage she has done.

Ok, so that ruined 2-3 nights of sleep for me.

I met her parents for dinner the Friday before Thanksgiving. Her parents told her, and again confronting her about her decision. She blew up, sent me an icy cold email saying she'd been blindsided by them and wished I had given her a heads up about eating with them. And that she had already visited an attorney. Her parents wanted to see me, 20 years as their SonIL, so I set it up. I'm not trying to drive a wedge, it was already there, just trying to answer questions for them. After the icy e-mail, she had a 90 minute phone call and a ton of texts with EA dude and divorced alienator she works with.

I know snooping is not recommended, but I pay the cell bill (she pays half) and see the logs when I pay. I looked. 80 phone calls for 12 hours with him this month, 1100 text messages.

So, since she was angry, she insisted we meet for dinner the Tuesday before Thanksgiving to discuss attorney visit. It didn't exactly turn into that, we spoke about what went wrong. Said she felt rejected so many times, and even could probably pinpoint when she became detached. I didn't ask when/what caused it, will do so eventually. I was doing good to keep it all together. I told her my detachment was a loving act, I gave her what she wanted and let her go. I didn't beg or plead or pressure her, she thanked me for that. And then said after 4.5 months her heart hasn't changed its stance. Then basically said the attorney told her for us to discuss how to split everything up. After I left at 7:30, she texted alienator and EA dude, then several phone calls with the dude that evening.

I decided to get out of town for the long T-giving weekend, rented a cottage in the woods to reflect and mourn. She found out I was going to be out of town from a well meaning friend who thought I might harm myself (no way in hell). When I left Wednesday afternoon, she sent a text that said she hoped I had a safe trip and to be careful. Then, she took the opportunity to come move all of her stuff. She didn't have a key to the house, but found a window unlocked, popped the screen out and crawled in.

She thought I was to return home Sunday, but I made it back Saturday night to a mess. She sent me a text Sunday morning at 6:30 wanting to know when I was coming home. Told her I was already there. She apologized profusely for the mess. And said she'd come by and clean up during lunch one day. I told her to come on by right then. A few hours later she stopped by, cleaned up the mess, packed a few more things. Then she talked to me about her life for about 30 minutes. All chatty, played with her hair a lot, and came off as the woman I knew and loved.

Seems her life is all up in the air now. The job she has was supposed to turn into a partnership with huge pay days might not be there. It was the type of money she and I were talking about retiring in 5-7 years on. Early 50's for both of us. Anyway, she's having to interview for the slot now against 3 more people who are more qualified. If she doesn't get it, she is gone. To boot, she has had some medical issues, skin problems which can be deadly. It's being treated now. She is still on my medical insurance, and seriously considered removing her when we had open enrollment a few weeks back. But I am not a cold hearted person.

Despite all of that, I still have hope while also moving forward with my life. I still see glimmers of hope, either that or a person who is so far in the fog, she doesn't know how ridiculous she's acting and it is confusing me. For instance, my SIL who my wife never truly liked, posted many photos of my family from our family Thanksgiving meal and my wife liked them. Then she liked a photo my sister posted of her two girls, and another of my SIL's family. I just don't get that. Why do that????

Everyone in my family, as well as her family are so angry and distraught. The kids just melted when I told them, especially the nieces who looked up to her.

I know the letters go against the LRT, but I was seeing no movement. Monitor results, determine what works and what doesn't, right? So, I tried to connect with the letters, probably not a great idea, but they were short, handwritten in cursive, 1 page long. Nothing whiny, no begging, just wanted her to know I thought about her, someone I had spent 22 total years with was suddenly gone. Tried to focus on her, not me. Anyway, sort of contradictory to the LRT. Figured I had nothing to lose, and didn't want to go out regretting not trying now that my head is on straight now.

So that's my current situation.

[Zues126]

Doing what works is generally for couples working on their marriage. Although a good idea, the problem with the 'doing what works' attitude post BD is that it implies that there is something that can be done to control a WAS (also many LBH's view 'working' as behavior that is actually manipulation). She has clearly started a long journey that will lead her who knows where. You can't stop that. All you can do is prolong it by allowing her to avoid consequences and be her plan B. I don't begrudge you the letters, but at this point I'd recommend you create and maintain more emotional distance from her. One to prevent her from cake eating, and two to allow her to miss you and wonder what losing you would be like. This isn't to bring her back to you. It's your last gift of love, that you love her enough to allow her to experience the consequences of her choices so she has the opportunity to make healthier choices some day down the road.

[jjal]

Thanks for the reply!
I've set up many family activities with nieces, nephews, and brother and sister all through the month of December. It's going to be a busy and fun month, albeit sad. But, as you said, let her go as a last gift of love...drop the rope.

[jjal]

Update to current situation.

I offered to go to Dr. with her for PET scan. She replied a day later and said she'd had many friends offer, but preferred to go alone. That took the wind out of my sails, it was sort of cold. Have known each other for 22 years, 20 years married, to be treated as a stranger.

Then, a few moments after that, I received her list of things in house and how she wanted to divide. She also mentioned house sale proceeds split, retirement accounts split etc. Since she didn't contribute as much over the years, 5 years in work at home business that never profited enough to contribute, she offered 60/40 on house, accounts. And to not touch my retirement account and inheritance $$$. Wow. She wants to GET OUT BAD! Either that or she has a soft landing spot with EA partner. All rather strange.

Certainly still love her, feel for her deeply, but she feels totally lost and caught up in the EA fog and her new "life". At times I see and hear my wife, and other times a total stranger. I'm trying to remain calm, respond as needed, and trying to be loving without any pressure.

[jjal]

6 emails yesterday from her. I just don't get it. And they were all just links to interesting news stories. I replied to each one, and she kept sending stuff. Puzzling.

Move all your stuff out, ruin Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the so much more, yet you want to be chatty and be my friend? Really?

[Zues126]

6 emails yesterday from her. I just don't get it. And they were all just links to interesting news stories. I replied to each one, and she kept sending stuff. Puzzling.

Move all your stuff out, ruin Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the so much more, yet you want to be chatty and be my friend? Really?

She moves all her stuff out, ruins TG and Xmas, destroys your family...and you still respond to all of her chatty emails as if you were friends? Really?

[jjal]

6 emails yesterday from her. I just don't get it. And they were all just links to interesting news stories. I replied to each one, and she kept sending stuff. Puzzling.

Move all your stuff out, ruin Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the so much more, yet you want to be chatty and be my friend? Really?

She moves all her stuff out, ruins TG and Xmas, destroys your family...and you still respond to all of her chatty emails as if you were friends? Really?

Oh, I know. I'm just keeping the peace I guess.

If I go dark, the sweet deal she's proposing could go away. And the way I am thinking, let her think she's going to be my friend, and then when the ink is dry on the divorce, say goodbye and go dark.

[jjal]

She's been asking for the list of assets we need to divide. I've completed it, but have been stalling, it's the holidays! We also have separate appt's with our financial advisor in the next week or so to discuss splitting retirement account. Ugh. Anyway, I'll stall after that too. Need to evaluate...

I had 3 more coaching sessions on the books, and scheduled one for Tuesday. I've been sitting on them because we were deep in limbo and not doing much. Honestly, was more worried about my GAL stuff than the marriage. I had to save myself. Anyway, figured I'd use the coaching now at the 11th hour, throw a few hail mary passes to see if I can save this.

[jjal]

Had a coaching session last week. Was good. We discussed going no contact unless it concerns the D, the house sale, or division of assets. Today, I had to break the NC (was 5 days) because she wanted to drop by to return something she had borrowed. My family will be here hanging out, so I told her to drop by another time.

Still GAL, and trying to survive the holidays.