It was my antiversary yesterday and the first few hours weren't easy. I was quite emotional about dropping off the kids at school for the week. I didn't like the symbol of my failed marriage and my part-time parenting. I've never thought it would be me and sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that it is my life. I went back at lunch time to drop some stuff for D7 and held them both in my arms. D3 asked why I had tears in my eyes and I eluded the question. The afternoon and evening were better, but my productive streak is over.
WW kindly wrote me on that important day to tell me that... they hired a hot new secretary at their office that looks like Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks in Mad Men). I replied with a video of said character who tries to adapt to modern technology. My thought was more wondering if OM would go after her, like he went after WW when she joined the office...
I've been thinking a lot about writing a letter to WW, without even sending it, but strangely, I lose interest as soon as I sit in front of my computer. It spins in my head, sometimes obsessively, yet it bores me when it's time to actually do it. Oh well.
Still dragging my feet on the D paperwork. I should really get to it next week. Sigh.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Sounds like you're having a rough week Mozza. So sorry to hear it. I totally get how you snapped and sent that email. I have been tempted to do something similar SO many times, but then I start thinking about the likely reaction, and restrain myself. You got the exact reaction that I imagine my own WW giving - she just doesn't care.
I really hate to see your sitch progressing this way, because it is so similar to mine, and you are a few months further out. Unfortunately, I imagine myself being exactly where you are in the near future, although I suspect that I may end up being the one to finally file for D. I decided I just don't have it in me to hang on for years and years, while WW openly lives with OM. Yes, it's hard to let go, but eventually, we need to claim back our dignity and self-respect. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Take pride in the fact that you are a great father, and have been a source of inspiration on these boards for months. I'll be following your sitch closely and hoping that things turn out great for you, regardless of what your misguided WW ends up doing.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Don't worry too much about the sleeping arrangements - even if your kids like having their own room. Siblings need closeness now especially. Sharing a room will help with that. You can always spin it as it being much cozier to share. RAI
This post left me worrying. My W is moving out 1st October to her new place and one of advantages of this new place she sold to the kids is that each one of them will have his own room. Now that I think about it, they have never slept in a separate bedroom. Half an hour ago I tucked in S7 and he was fighting the sleep because his brother is downstairs sleeping with the neighbours and the mother was also downstairs telling the landlord she is moving out. He kept asking for them, especially for the mother.
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
It was my antiversary yesterday and the first few hours weren't easy. I was quite emotional about dropping off the kids at school for the week. I didn't like the symbol of my failed marriage and my part-time parenting. I've never thought it would be me and sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that it is my life. I went back at lunch time to drop some stuff for D7 and held them both in my arms. D3 asked why I had tears in my eyes and I eluded the question. The afternoon and evening were better, but my productive streak is over.
WW kindly wrote me on that important day to tell me that... they hired a hot new secretary at their office that looks like Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks in Mad Men). I replied with a video of said character who tries to adapt to modern technology. My thought was more wondering if OM would go after her, like he went after WW when she joined the office...
I've been thinking a lot about writing a letter to WW, without even sending it, but strangely, I lose interest as soon as I sit in front of my computer. It spins in my head, sometimes obsessively, yet it bores me when it's time to actually do it. Oh well.
Still dragging my feet on the D paperwork. I should really get to it next week. Sigh.
Sorry you are struggling w/ the memories the Anniversary triggers. I'd just tell your kids that you are sad that you don't get to spend more time with them because they are so special to you, and that love them so much. Make it a moment to strengthen your bond with them. It is what you are feeling in a significant way, so share it with them.
Maybe you should ask WW for an intro to the new secretary. Just saying...
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Quick question: Are you guys paying for the D proceedings? We'll have a bill of about $1200 from the lawyer and I'm now wondering why exactly I should pay half of this D that I never wanted. It seems inflammatory though to announce that I'm not paying half.
Oh and I finally finished my research for the D paperwork! I had been procrastinating for about two months. Sent a massive email to WW yesterday, detailing the outcomes and the decisions we need to make. I kind of hope the ball will stay in her court for a few days...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza- I did tell STBX that since the divorce was his idea he needed to pay for it, and he agreed, out of guilt, I suppose. Legally - I couldn't have made that stick. That being said, there are certainly still some things I've ended up paying for (court filing fees - process server, etc).
Quick question: Are you guys paying for the D proceedings? We'll have a bill of about $1200 from the lawyer and I'm now wondering why exactly I should pay half of this D that I never wanted. It seems inflammatory though to announce that I'm not paying half.
STBX has agreed to pay all the legal fees out of his half after division. I had discussed this with my L and he felt it was a reasonable request considering the disparity in our income. However, what I said to STBX was, "You want it, you pay for it." He agreed.
Haha! Thanks for waking me up, Vanilla. You're right, I've been very quiet in the last few weeks. I keep following a few people though. I should come here more often for advice though.
For instance, yesterday WW asked me for the kids' warmer coats that are at my place. I told her that I'd put them in a bag in the backyard but she asked me to drop them at her place instead (10 minutes away) because she didn't feel like coming to my place another time (she came twice this week, but we go months without such visits). I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to go to her place, to be at her service, and it took me some 30-40 minutes to respond no. She was not happy and did something she'd do in the relationship, which is to elevate any slight into a general principle, as form of retaliation threat: "So now we don't help each other out anymore? Just to clarify" Argh! Sometimes it's good to be reminded of an ex' shortcomings to miss them a little less... I've been SO helpful with her since the S, without a complain. Just this week, I'll take D4 on Wednesday because school's off, even though it's not my week. Later this month, I also keep the kids for a weekend while she goes on vacation. Also a bad habit of hers: this is all forgotten when she feels slighted.
It hurt me quite a bit that she would say that I don't want to help as soon as I don't do as she wishes. I make such efforts to keep everything cordial, not sharing my pain, anger (wrath!), love, memories and whatnot in a full year. Writing it here makes me realize that this is typical WW behavior and that I shouldn't let it affect me so much. By the way, 30 hours later, the bag of coats is still in the backyard...
I have some delight when I think that OM will have, sooner or later if he hasn't already, to deal with these same behaviors. Oh, I will have to deal with the shortcomings of my next partner, but I take some comfort in the thought that life catches up with them, as I mentioned a few times.
PMA report | I got confirmation that GAL is majorly important to keep up the PMA. On my antiversary, I stayed home for two days and it was awful. This weekend, without the kids, I don't have many plans and it's also hurting. But of course, in general, one year on, my pain is nowhere near BD levels. The WW interactions of yesterday derailed my day, but today is better. Things were better before the antiversary. One thing I didn't expect is that now I'm reliving the Apocalyptic Year: first birthday alone, first Christmas alone, etc.
Dating report | I'm not sure what is relevant to report here, but I'm dating and it's working as expected. Maybe one myth I'd like to dispel is that I'm all about dating and that I press it on people here. It probably comes from the fact that I've suggested it to some people who said they weren't ready. What I'm about is being honest with oneself and sometimes, the reasons people give seem like excuses to avoid facing deeper realities. It would not be surprising that people like us, who are so devastated by an S, are not comfortable meeting people. It is certainly my case. But I would apply the principle to topics other than dating if I came across. I think I was like this very much with Barry for instance, and not about dating.
IC report | I still see my IC, one year in and I feel it's still helpful. My biggest issue is still to acknowledge my preferences and desires and then to have the courage to fulfill them. My IC observed that I take for granted that I won't have what I want, that it would be too good to be true, so I settle. He spoke of people who are the opposite, who feel everything is owed to them. It's all very thought-provoking. Anyway, don't be surprised if you hear in the news that I've proposed to Scarlett Johansson because I'm going for it!
D Report | I've finally done the research and paperwork on which I procrastinated for some two months. What a relief! Right now, we're waiting for some letters from the government. WW is still as confused and botchy as before and trying to delegate the D to me, but I resisted, going as far as writing her "I feel that you're trying to burden me with the heavy lifting for a D that you have brought upon us." I think she got the message, though I don't expect her nature to change, so it will come back.
Regarding the cost-sharing, you guys are not making it any easier! I had pretty much decided to share evenly with her, if only to avoid poisoning the relationship over a few hundred dollars. Part of me wants to ask her: "Why exactly am I paying for this D that I didn't want?" if only to make her think about it.
Work report | This is where I've made the most progress in the last two months. I've reached levels of productivity that are very near pre-BD. I love my job, always have, and now I feel more capable of focusing on it, planning for it, following up. There are a lot of prospective clients on my radar. It's all very exciting.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
