Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III

[RAI]

V,

I like your ideas. I will try to do one night a week. I think Wednesdays would usually work for this. This also used to be date night . I don't see why I cannot be home by 5:30 on these days. I remember "murder in the dark" from my youth, but forgot completely how to play. I looked it up on the internet. There are many variations, but I don't think my younger children will get it. What is your version? How does one incorporate prizes? What is a tickle night? in my house, every night is tickle night . V, you are awesome.

I am still civil. It is still hard.

How is the marathon training coming?
I'm applying to med school. Any advice for the future?

rdken, thanks for stopping in. half-marathon training is going OK. A bit busy with work and Jewish high holidays - so it is hard to find time to train. I checked out your thread. Best of luck in your sitch and life in general. Advice for the future:
1) Embrace the obstacles in your life, because you grow from them (easier said than done, right?)
2) My mantra in residency was: "they can do what they want but they can't stop time."
3) find things for which you are thankful - even in our sitch, there is a lot for which to be thankful. It prevents one from becoming bitter.
4)You want to find something that you're good at, that you love to do, and that someone will pay you to do. That is the definition of career success. If you can hit the intersection of this three-way venn diagram, you're golden.
5) look up Calvin Coolidge's quote about perseverance and learn it well.

Best,

RAI

[RAI]

So many thoughts...

I had a great weekend. Now 4 weeks away from 1/2-marathon. Got in a good, but tiring, run. Took the kids for ice cream. Got a haircut - I look like a stud. Managed to stay civil with W the whole weekend. Did not snoop or pry. Was really detached.

Now suffering from the Monday morning blahs. I can't seem to focus on my work today. I think I expended so much energy GALing and PMAing on the weekend that I started my week emotionally and physically exhausted. I am overwhelmed by the work I need to do, and could easily have started chipping away at it. But...I...just...could...not...do...it.

Finally got 4-way meeting with W and out Ls scheduled. Not as soon as a I wanted. As terrible as D is, I really want to move forward with D so I can finalize new living arrangements. Living under same roof with W is very hard.

Interesting: over the last few weeks, I have a feeling that there has been a subtle almost imperceptible shift in our post-BD relationship. I think I now see W more clearly - warts and all, and W is starting to realize what a great person she is D'ing. I don't know if this is a transient anomaly in the pursuer-distancer dynamic, but it sure feels good.

RAI

[SunnyB]

RAI, Happy New Year, a little late. I am in awe of your 1/2 marathon. Just not something I think I'll ever do.

I understand about moving forward, now that it's started. Last week at our first collaborative meeting, we went ahead and scheduled the next two. It's hard to get a group of professional people together, so they are strung out over a longer time frame than I prefer. But, at least we are talking months, not years like some cases drag out to be. Good luck to you.

[RAI]

Thanks, SunnyB, for the New Year wishes. And to all the other Jewish DBers, Happy New Year! May it be a sweet new year filled with health and satisfaction.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur - another Jewish holiday. It is a time for repentance and forgiveness. i.e. a very hard time for a LBS. In order to sincerely ask for forgiveness, the person seeking it must do three things:
1) Admit what they did/are doing
2) Stop the offending action
3) Take steps to prevent it from happening again
And, BTW, the individual needs to ask for forgiveness in person - i.e. face to face.

In this spirit, I received an email from WW on the eve of the holiday. I am reproducing parts of it here to help me parse through it, and to vent. I have altered it a little so that it is not searchable.

So much time has gone by and there has been so much hurt that I don't recognize either of us anymore.

Not surprising. The old RAI was betrayed and taken for a fool. I am not your friend. Sorry - that's just the way it is. The old W is also dead. The WW that has replaced her is lost in a fog of her own self-interests.

I don't want to go back and forth about who did what and who said what.

*BLAMESHIFTING ALERT*. How convenient! It is easier to ignore the huge *ongoing* A that devastated our M. I could see how going back and forth would dredge up all that nonsense. P.S. nothing I said caused you to have the A. Nice try, though.

in the spirit of the holiday I want to sincerely apologize for the pain I have caused you.

Sincerely? See above for what a sincere apology looks like.

I know I have caused you too much hurt for one person to bare[sic].

A bit self aggrandizing, aren't you? I think I can bear it and I am doing great.

I am asking 4 forgiveness but not expecting you to.

WW always does this. She needs to be the martyr/victim. By not forgiving her, I am the wicked, harsh, unforgiving H. What she really wants is absolution. If/when I forgive her, it will be for ME, on my terms, to help me let go. It ain't happening while we are under the same roof and while I am receiving anonymous menacing text messages, that's for sure.

I know there is no going back

And live a lie? Why would I want to do that? Ironically, this is the only thing WW got right in this letter.

I hope that you will one day see me differently.

Me too, because you're not looking too pretty right now.

It is amazing that even though WW thinks she is being kind, she is just opening up the wound and causing more pain. I would much rather have NOT received this email. I have said everything I want to say in this post. I am not replying to her email. Does anyone feel otherwise? Should I reply? Let's open up the floor.

RAI

P.S. Sunny, check out "my 120 lb journey" on Youtube. It 's about a guy (Ben Davis) who became a runner. Very inspirational. I cry every time I watch it. Perhaps if you really want to run a marathon, all you have to do is "do it".

[SunnyB]

I am not replying to her email. Does anyone feel otherwise? Should I reply? Let's open up the floor.

RAI, I'm very possibly going to be in the minority here, but yes, I do feel otherwise. I feel you should acknowledge her email with something simple like, "W, thank you for the email. I know it must have been hard to write." Because I do think it was probably hard for her to write. What ended up in written form was not necessarily the whole thought process. And while I realize it's not the apology you want/need, fact is you and I are probably never going to get one of those. This is really way more about you living the life you want, becoming the person you want to be. No matter what W does or doesn't do. Your graciousness does not depend on the quality of her apology.

Thanks for the You Tube reference, I'll take a look at that this afternoon. I really have no ambition to be a marathoner. I do have a deadlift goal, however.

[RAI]

Sunny, thanks for the quick reply. What is your deadlift goal? Whatever it is, I think that is a pretty admirable goal, considering I can barely lift my 4-year-old.

I hear what you are saying, about graciousness. However, I replied to a similar letter one year ago with the following:
"I appreciate you sincere effort to apologize and I am sorry this is hard for you."

It is eerily similar to what you suggested, don't you think? and that was without any input from DB community, if I recall correctly .

In retrospect, it certainly did not make me feel better. It could be argued that I am a better person for it, but a year had passed and I still wonder why I replied. I truly don't feel like a better person because of it: at best, I feel unchanged. At worst I feel like a chump for feeding into her belief that a painfully written email can fix the mess she wrought. I like who I am already. She will vilify me regardless. Why do I have to send an insincere letter in reply to her insincere letter. In short, Sunny, what purpose does it serve?

I dunno...


RAI

[SunnyB]

In short, Sunny, what purpose does it serve?

RAI, this is going to have to be from my perspective, I can't speak to your unique circumstances. So let's imagine that H had sent that letter to me. I would reply as I suggested primarily because I have three kids with him and it's better for my children if we have a friendly relationship. I'd reply that way because there are a lot of weddings, births, baptisms, birthday parties, and another round of weddings in our future and I'm going to have to sit beside him and make pleasant chit chat for a lot of years to come. I'd reply that way because I have a wonderful future and bitterness and anger and grudge holding are not part of it. I'd reply that way because I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and entertain the possibility that was the best apology he could offer up with his limited resources. I'd reply that way because our D is not yet final and I want to be on as good terms as possible while we make our negotiations, an angry spouse is not a generous one.

Some of those reasons are more noble than others, some more practical. In the end, you may find that none of them are worthy and reject them all. That's OK, I'm not trying to talk you into anything. I'm just saying that would be my purpose.

[RAI]

I appreciate you taking the time tremendously. Thanks so much. I really appreciate your perspective. Your reasons all seem valid. You have given me much food for thought. One thing's for sure, it isn't easy.

RAI

[RAI]

Received 2 more harassing text messages. OM has a lot of time on his hands. What a loser.

RAI

[Fogg]

I would agree with sunny also and give a reply. There was some things in that email that many of us never hear and I believe while your comments have truth to them it also contains alot of your anger. She achnowledged she's caused you great pain and I doubt many WW could even say that. I

You asked what would be the point and I think the point would be to begin to forgive, which only requires giving up your right to punish someone. I think deep down you still want to punish her and not achnowledging she attempted to appologize at all (even if you see it as a bad or fake apology) would be trying to punish. You don't know for sure how difficult it was for her to write that letter, so don't completely discount it.