as_it_is - my advanture continues (part 5)

[asitis]

Thanks PP. That's partly why I wanted her to hear me connect the agree w/ the decision to divorce if she's not willing to work, that it would take a lot of work for me to want to come back to the M, and that I want her not to misread me being kind, generous, or caring as signs of pursuit. They are just who I am and want to be with everyone.

It isn't pursuit, so she can relax. I'm giving her all she says she wants, so she can relax. I'm still being a decent caring person, so she can relax. Before, it still would have been I'm not really pursuing, but still a bit. Now, it is just here I am. I'm not doing anything special for you. Your behavior has little bearing on how I will behave.

[mutatio]

asitis, I thought I would respond here to the meditation question.

I became a member of a Kadampa Meditation Center.

Kadampa Buddhism is a Mahayana Buddhist school founded by the great Indian Buddhist Master, Atisha (AD 982-1054). His followers are known as “Kadampas.” “Ka” refers to Buddha's teachings, and “dam” to Atisha's special Lamrim instructions known as “the stages of the path to enlightenment.”

I started attending March 2015. My new class is Sunday mornings 8:30 till 1:00. It is the teacher training program (TTP). Last Sunday was my first class and it seems overwhelming but I am drawn to it so it is a labor of love.

How long have you been meditating?

[asitis]

I'm familiar w/ NKT.

I've meditated on and off for years (mostly off). After first BD, that became regular daily sitting,then added sitting w/ a weekly group, then last Nov., started regular sesshins and part of Summer Ango at a nearby Zen monastery. So, I was fairly serious practitioner and reader many years ago, let it go always intending to come back, but that was always stop (mostly) and go. W's BD about 18 months ago got me very, very serious.

Still sit daily, but can't do quite as much reading, and am having trouble this semester figuring out how I'm going to work sesshins in to my schedule.

[asitis]

So first after class night out with the gals (4/5ths of my cohort are women, and almost all are just out of college). Damn, I always forget how much college kids can drink. My "therapist" for the semester, is half my size and put down 3 jumbo margaritas to my 5 beers. I think my "client" only put down 2 jumbo margaritas. I put those in quotes because they are my practice partners in my skills class every week. It was fun, but they seem to be very skilled at going out a lot. I've been thinking I've been drinking too much lately, but they put that in a different perspective.

Anyway it was a fun evening. Weird thing, I've thought the young woman whose my "client" this semester has a bit of a crush on me. I always catch her looking at me. She is beautiful and very sweet, but I'm her father's age (I know that we are exactly the same age). It's really weird. If I were 20 years younger, she'd be hard to resist, but her big issues that we explore in practice are her struggles that her job supervisor changes up the work schedule and is disorganized. Mine are divorce, feeling bad about not giving my kids enough quality time because when I'm with them I'm single parenting, dealing with the kids' issues the stem from the S, etc. Just not tempted to go there.

OK, back to what is going on. Nothing new. Just same old. W & I have negotiating meeting set up for Sunday to work on custody arrangements. No real interaction other than brief texts/e-mails about schedules & kids. Just keep on, and focus on my work and time w/ the kids and leave W to deal with her own life.

[mutatio]

you have developed quite a GANL.
Get a Night Life
Enjoy

[asitis]

I still enjoyed the evening before, when I took the boys out for our new weekly father-son dinner. Talking about things they are interested in, and watching my 3 year-old flirt shamelessly with his favorite waitress at one of our regular restaurants and her respond back (she adores him & even got him a Christmas gift last year) is more my speed.

[asitis]

S6 was off school today, and it is my day to watch them. Took them into work. Brought them by to see W as surprise for both. She lights up at the sight of them and gives them loving hugs. I just couldn't get the thought out of my head that I really, really still wanted some of that. Know her mood would have changed to hostile in a moment. 30 seconds of chat, then "come on boys." Still carried that feeling for a while as I wrote a test for one of my classes.

Had play date for the late afternoon. Kids enjoyed it, but then started getting real whiny and grumpy. They've just now let up 3 hours later. Long evening reminder of fun of single parenting.

Reading a Buddhist book on divorce. Nothing new, but I'm only about half way through. Have thought about giving it to W so she can understand where I am & relax that I'm just not going to pursue her and that I'm not nursing anger or more than a touch of resentment. It describes my growth process to a T. If you have inclinations in this direction, it's a good book, esp. if you aren't already well read on Buddhism. Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce by Gabriel Cohen.

[Fogg]

Just keep on, and focus on my work and time w/ the kids and leave W to deal with her own life.

All you can do. I think you're doing well overall so keep it up. I do think you focus on her wanting to see you move on/forward too much though. Saying certain things or wanting to give her the books you're reading. If you want to give her the impression that your moving on telling or trying to prove it to her would come across as the opposite message. Actions not words.

She knows you're an intellectual person and is guarded against that. I believe shes already stated she was scared you were going to talk your way out of it? Or something of that nature. To me, if that's whats shes saying then she will expect you to try and show her you're moving forward. Confuse her and just move forward without trying to show her anything.

[PigPen]

Just keep on, and focus on my work and time w/ the kids and leave W to deal with her own life.

All you can do. I think you're doing well overall so keep it up. I do think you focus on her wanting to see you move on/forward too much though. Saying certain things or wanting to give her the books you're reading. If you want to give her the impression that your moving on telling or trying to prove it to her would come across as the opposite message. Actions not words.

She knows you're an intellectual person and is guarded against that. I believe shes already stated she was scared you were going to talk your way out of it? Or something of that nature. To me, if that's whats shes saying then she will expect you to try and show her you're moving forward. Confuse her and just move forward without trying to show her anything.

I agree with Fogg on this one As, show her with the direct actions, not the book that outlines the actions.

I bought the book btw, thanks for the recommendation.

PP

[asitis]

It's not a book on actions. It just explains well where I am. How I'm not holding a grudge, for instance. It is in no way to convince her to come back. It may help her relax so that we can make this next sticky phase of negotiations be a little easier on both of us.

I'm not planning on just dropping it in her lap - first, as I'm not even done with it, but second I've not thought through whether or not it might help her understand where I am in a way that makes our D negotiations healthier & helps w/ the important building of a good co-parenting R. It could make her angrier if she is unconsciously hoping I'm suffering for the pain she believes I caused her.. She would be interested, as she is going through a D and is interested at least in the Buddhist perspective - although she doesn't practice. So, don't worry about me going off and saying or doing anything. Just thinking out loud before I've even finished it.