For almost 4 weeks I promised myself I would not post on these forums again, because this time, I ended my M.
I was a DB success story. I was here over 10 years ago, and it took me almost three years, but I stayed true to these techniques and restored my M. My H had moved to a different state, and him and OW had a child together. While I sat home, alone, with the 3 small children we had together and went through the most painful experience of my life. I only made it to the other side by the help of the people here.
I started here with the sole purpose of getting my H back. Period. GAL sounded great and all, and I was sure other people benefited from it, but I cant lie, I ONLY did it to restore my M.
A funny thing happened along the way. My GAL activities became habit and to this day I wake up every day and do all in my power to work on me. That is part of my problem...
Almost 4 weeks ago, I told my husband to leave, or I was going to leave him with the kids. He packed up and left. I did not even ask him where he was going.
He had become so secure in the fact that I had proven I would love him forever, no matter what. And it used to be so true. But as I have worked my tush off to make my life better, he did less and less and less to contribute to the family. He had an EA a few years ago, online, and again I forgave and we worked through it.
When he left 4 weeks ago I was again thrown back into the indescribable pain I wallowed in years ago. Like a moth to the flame, I came back here. It helped me so much last time. I have been lurking, but not posting because I really dont know if I want to try again. But I really am feeling too much pain and anger to just lurk anymore, so I decided to post.
I will, of course, start off with the three goals MWD suggests we work towards and go from there.
As of right now, I really dont have any goals for H to do anything for or with me, but I would really love for him to reach out to his children. So... Goal #1. H calls or texts his children at least once every few days. Goal #2. H helps me by driving at least ONE kid to some activity at least once a week. Goal #3. I dont really have a third goal atm, I just would like to work on those 2.
As for my personal goals, the list is too long to have here in my first post
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry, Mona. It sounds like you've really been through a rough time. But, honestly? I am so impressed with you! You really did your best. No-one can say you didn't give it your best shot. Wow!
I have been stressing the last few days over what 'might' happen tomorrow. My S (11) has been hit hardest by this. My D(16) and D(15) do not seem to be affected in the slightest. I can understand that, when he was here he spent every waking moment playing video games online. He had a headset on his head and would talk for hours with his 'guild'. If they asked him a question he would get mad or send them to me. They would stand right next to him and call me while I was at work to help them find something because he would not leave his game.
They would only talk through me. If we were all in the same room, they would still find a way to communicate only through me. For example, my H would ask me what my D was doing on Saturday, even though she was right there. It wasnt done in a mean way, they just could not communicate with each other.
But my S is slightly different. He has thicker skin and huge rose colored glasses. So he did not mind my H behavior.
So I am stressed out about tomorrow. I just want my S to be OK at the end of the day tomorrow. There is a Father/Son baseball game (watching, not playing). My H said he would go (if I paid...) I bought the tickets and I tried not to tell my S about it. That way if H did not show up, my S would never know. The school told him about it and gave him the tickets. So my S knows. I believe there is less than a 10% chance my H will actually show up tomorrow.
Do I take my S to the Father/Son outing? Will he be embarrassed if his MOM goes?
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Hi Mona Sorry to hear this. I am in the midst of the mess myself and been reading everything i can. Sandi has a few threads about advice for LBS and she does a good section on mending and restoring the R. i dont know if you read it, but i am and hoping i can use the techniques.
Best of luck
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry to see you here mona. Especially after hearing you had success earlier and your H didn't commit to change.
As far as the baseball game goes, growing up in a divorced home myself, I would say if you KNOW your H won't be there then you should go. If I had an event like that as a child and my father couldn't come (thankfully that was rare) I would have rather had my mother there than no one. At least you can be there to show your love and support. This does not mean you should make excuses for your H not being there. Don't bash your husband to your S either, but be there for him.
I don't know what the vets think, but that is my. 02 coming from a divorced family as a kid.
I understand how frusturated and sad you feel for your children. It took my children 1 week to even realize their father wasn't living with us anymore. The truth is this is one of those situations where you just have no control. In fact, the more you push for it the more your husband will resist it. Just take comfort knowing that they are lucky to have such a strong, loving mother in their lives. (Some kids don't even get that).
Your husband has to miss them and become a better father on his own terms. I noticed that after a couple of weeks of me not saying anything my husband started initiating more visits with them (but this might just be because of legal advise and not wanting to pay child support).
Yes, arrange it so you could go to baseball game with son this way if your husband is not there he will have someone. Or perhaps there is a male figure in his life that he adores (grandfather, uncle) that would be able to make it? Don't call and pressure husband though. It will just push him away. Sad and wrong I know but maybe look at the situation with empathy for your husband. How sad for him that he is missing out on the children's lives, that he just does not know any better, that one day he will have to look back on his life with regret
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I just wanted to offer you some words of encouragement - from the heart.
I think if you compare yourself to the Mona that was 10 years ago, you will see a huge difference. You worked very hard to get to where you are now. You are a better, stronger, and more independent individual. You have a wealth of experience/wisdom and, most importantly, you respect yourself. 10 years ago, your H left *YOU*. This time *YOU* told your H to leave. That took a lot of courage and faith. From your post, it looks like you did this because H was disrespectful. I do not think this is unreasonable. You are a unique individual with a beautiful soul who deserves better. And, like JudyL said, you tried your best for a very long time.
Originally Posted By: Mona52
Goal #1. H calls or texts his children at least once every few days. Goal #2. H helps me by driving at least ONE kid to some activity at least once a week.
The goals you posted are not really your goals. They are goals/boundaries for your H, and you probably have no way to enforce them. The best thing you can do is love your children with the love of 2 parents. Perhaps you need to find your center again and come up with new goals for YOU.
Lastly, I too have an S11. It is a volatile time for him. I find that since I identified his primary love language, things are better. You have probably been covering up and apologizing for your H for years. Although it has become habit, it is not your job to fix H or fix his relationship with S11. IMHO, your job, as I see it, is to love your S11 with as much love as you can muster and help him understand the NORMAL feelings he is experiencing in response to your Hs actions.
Perhaps you can ask S11 what his preference would be in the event that H does not show up for Ball game. It may be a good way to start the conversation and begin a new chapter in your R with S11.
Good luck. I am sorry that you are going through this.
