Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[sandi2]

A little of both. I began seeing some things in OM that kind of nagged me about how legit his intentions were. In other words, I began to wonder if I was being played. I received some very wise words from another poster who set me straight on a few things.

My H finally stopped smothering me and stopped pressuring me like he had done. That really helped.

It was when I decided to slowly ease my kids into the idea that I was thinking about leaving their dad that things really began to crumble for me. Reality started hitting me hard.

I think the A lasted about 8-9 months, and then after ending it, I carried around OM in my head for a few months. Took me a long time to stop thinking about "what could have been". Of course, I fantasized about all the positive things that could have happened. Who wants to dream about realistic things? I know now that it would have been disastrous for me to have broken up my family.

I was a WW when I came to the board (which is rare), and it took me forever before I began to feel better, I give credit to God and the people on the board for helping me to restore my M. (I learned a lot by reading threads from LBS). I was in some tough depression and my feelings for my H were dead (which did not change overnight). It takes time to heal and get back to "normal" after being through that type of crises.

[SPD72]

Sandi2 thank you for time and generosity in answering my questions and sharing. Knowing one is not alone and "it's been done before" does wonders for my perseverance...

[Flight]

The WW often shows extreme coldness or meanness to her H b/c it is her way of telling him to back away and to not get any ideas that there's still hope for them. She is over him. She has no feelings left. She is doing all she can to discourage any attempts he may be considering. The best thing a LBH could do at this point is not show her how much he cares for her! She does not want him "proving his love".

I have a confict between this advice and the advice to "do what works". But perhaps I am misinterpreting my results. My W began an EA at work and wanted a separation. We have been living for a little over 7 months with an in house separation. At first I did the chasing and pleading but have since given a lot more space. He is no longer at the job and I know she does not see him, but I can't rule out she doesn't have text contact with him.

I know "hovering" or trying to make too much idle chit chat is a no-no, but we have had some interactions whether it be a text exchange, or I send her a letter that leads to a conversation that seems to evoke a connection. My obvervastion seems to be that absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder and that our positives occur from talking in a non-chasing or non pushing way. For example, in response to something she said about wanting to be accepted for who she is, I wrote a letter about apologizing for vocalizing my true feelings and letting her know what I valued in her. She called me to her room and was crying. We talked more. She said through her tears, "what I wouldn't have given to have heard you say that a year ago".

We went to an event with two of our kids and seemed to connect. She was angry with me about something, so I just validated her in a text and thanked her for some things recently and for giving me a new memory I would cherish. For two days she was extremeley nice to me. Also she DOES seem to notice all my changes and is curious about them and sometimes even angry "why didn't you do this when I asked you to??". She tells people that all my help around the house is something she notices.

So my question is, how to balance GAL and acting like I am having the time of my life without her, with sending a one-way text once in a while or talking when she wants to and validating her about her confused feelings. The other day she said she thought for two weeks about how she might be able to try again, but then when she saw me, she felt she just couldn't right now. It was what seemed to be an honest talk. She is sharing a lot of tears lately when we talk about feelings she is apparently still processing.

And lastly, is there a problem with Sandi's keyboard or some reason she keeps saying "stitch" instead of "sitch"?

[Starsky309]

You've raised what is a very common question around here. So much so that I saved this in my personal archives:


On “Doing What Works”:


One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term hit in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.

(For reference, see Divorce Busting, p. 135)


I would say that you're doing okay here, but you need to be very careful that "validating" doesn't cross over into "supplicating." And once you've shown your softer side, I'd recommend that you pull back for a bit and wait for her to pursue you.

What agreement(s) do you have in place, if any, about your wife continuing to be in contact with this OM during your in-house separation?

Starsky

[Flight]

The agreement is no contact or we end things and daughter finds out why. Thanks for pointing out this is a common question and for saving the post!

[sandi2]

I guess my eyes are going bad. I went back to check abbreviations, and glad I did. I would have sworn it use to be "stitch" when I first came to the board. But you know how things get passed around, and I was probably basing it on someone's post who had misspelled it. I even had to ask what the heck it meant.

The funny part is that I thought it was the new folks who were spelling it wrong.

[sandi2]

You made reference to your observation, are you referring to your own sitch?

We talked more. She said through her tears, "what I wouldn't have given to have heard you say that a year ago".

So you see what she said as a positive? She was crying b/c she felt you waited too late.

We went to an event with two of our kids and seemed to connect. She was angry with me about something, so I just validated her in a text and thanked her for some things recently and for giving me a new memory I would cherish. For two days she was extremeley nice to me. Also she DOES seem to notice all my changes and is curious about them and sometimes even angry "why didn't you do this when I asked you to??". She tells people that all my help around the house is something she notices

.

If you feel this "works" for you, then I'm sure nobody is likely to talk you out of it. I'll just give my VP. If you have a WW, then you are seeing the crumbs she throws at you as positive results from your work. Yes, I believe most WW's notice their
LBH's changes, however, I guess I don't see what you see here.

Question for you, why are you texting her and writing letters? Have you done this throughout the separation?

[Flight]

Well, an interesting day. Had a tense situation when I walked into the same roomm and was immediately attacked, accused and blamed for doing something on the computer. I was backpedaling and trying to say I didn't know what was going on. It is hard to take the anger and the most frustrating thing is that I tried to say, "do you see how angry you are being with me?", she yells back, "I am NOT BEING ANGRY!!!" I then made the mistake of trying to make a suggestion that I realized the moment it came out of my mouth would seem like I was accusing her of something. That lit the powderkeg. I aplogized and waited for things to cool down. She finally realized all the things she was accusing me of were something that I didn't do. I even got an apology! I thanked her but apologized again for my part.

Then she came to a counseling session with me for the first time. She stated her goal was to help my counselor help me move on. The counselor wanted to see my W first and they talked the entire session. I got a 5 minute rundown at the end and my W seemed to be relaxed and glad she went. It was a good result and I have my homework for the next couple of weeks which is more focus on detachment and keeping the stress level low. I can do that!

[asitis]

I have to say that I agree w/ Sandi,that her asking you why you didn't say something years ago, is not positive (although I'd say it is not negative either). Anger that it took you so long may seem unfair, but that will add on to the ledger in her mind. She's thinking..."so he wants me back to do all the things he wants but will only give me what I want when I threaten to cut off what he wants..." That's not fair, but it also is not a positive. It is just what it is: the stage you are going through.

The reason she & I are warning you that this isn't a positive, is that we are trying to warn you to not take it as a sign that you should pursue or that your changes to show her that you are a good, loving H are working. They aren't. She doesn't want you as her H right now. Being loving and affirmative doesn't help. That doesn't mean treat her like sh*t, but don't think that the more sweet talk you give her,the better things will become.

Step back from your pursuit. That's what you are doing. DB/DR both have a fundamental message that you can't "win" her back. That any kind of pursuit is damaging to your cause. The best thing you can do, is turn your attention away from pleasing her on to pleasing you. Take care of yourself. Give her the space to take care of herself. And, as long as she is a WW, there is nothing you can do other than this to hasten progress. It is a waiting game in which you need to focus on making your life happy, for personal growth, and for re-inventing yourself as the man you were when she fell in love with you, only now with some improvements that come from insights you are gaining about your issues.

So, back off. It is very hard. But trust the advice of those who have learned from trying that and failing and seen so many others do the same, that you don't want to be looking for clues that get your hopes up. If she is responding positively to something you are doing, you will know it not from catching it as soon as possible, but by realizing after a pattern has developed over time, that a change has taken place. In the meantime, GAL, focus on you, and detachment really are your best bets. Take the focus off her. Hard, but worth it.

[sandi2]

She stated her goal was to help my counselor help me move on.

What does that mean?