Moving Through it 11

[duke]

You sound like an awesome person. Thank you and sorry to high-jack your post. This is excellent advice. I am normally not a passive person but when it comes to W and family I always have been. She was always quite fair and I was always happy with the provider/protector role. Then one day she just changed and is now so cold and mean. I can't even begin to understand it and I am tired of wasting energy trying to figure it out. Maybe one day she will have a change of heart maybe she never will. I can't control that, I can only be the best me and the best Dad I can be under the circumstances. I hate it, I hate the position she has put me in and our family in but there is nothing that I can do about that. She has gone pure evil. I am dealing with a woman that I was married to for 16 years and the mother of my 3 amazing girls that asked for a separation over a text. That is only one of about 15 horrible things she has done since May that I would have rather she kicked me in the gut.

Again, sorry to rant on your post. You seem to be handling everything very well. Good for you HeavyD.

[HeavyD]

No problem on hijack - man - our stories are so so similar.

It is eerie.

I am in the same boat you are - just a matter of time. I am doing what I can to heal myself. It is not easy and there are better days than others but what else can we do but move it forward?

What a crappy way to get the news your W wants a separation - a text message. Gad.

Your W is having an affair right? That explains why she is acting so mean and quickly. All the hallmarks of another man.
Have you confirmed this?

[duke]

Yes, it definitely suks, no question about it. Our sitchs are very similar. Just have to stick it out, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Be the best you/me we can be. Be the best dad/mom we can be. Maybe our estranged will come around maybe they won't. Maybe we would agree to work on it if they did, maybe we won't. I am so frustrated and mad what she has done to our family from so many perspectives. From emotional to financial, our kids... they seem so different already, nasty to one another, so much time on ipads, poor manners now... it kills me. Even two days with me and they seem better but maybe that's just me. And I WANT to be there, I WANT to be a positive influence, I WANT to provide everything they need and BE THERE to protect them.

As far as OM, I agree that all the signs are there and I would almost feel better if there was, but I really don't think there is. I would have something concrete to pin this all on but I don't think so. It seems its all just how she feels about me which almost makes it worse. She tells me there is not and she has never lied to me that I know of until after the BD she lies like a carpet. Who knows?

Sorry to lean on you on your post again, lean on me anytime.

[HeavyD]

Two soccer games in one weekend.

One the way to the game - W called and told me to go get snacks for the team. I said I was not going to be able to do that and she hung up on me. This is her week with the kids plus we are not responsible for the team snacks this week.

She asked me if I had a soccer ball for the kids. I said yes I have soccer ball for kids. When i arrived she asked where is the soccer ball? I said at home. She was mad because she thought I was bringing it. I said you asked if I had a ball and yes we have a ball. You did not ask me to bring the ball.
Again, communication is at all time low. It is if she is speaking Chinese, I just can't understand what she is saying or asking anymore. We used to be able to finish each others sentances.

Saw W at both games. I didn't sit by her or initiate any conversation except hello. I found another mother that I eventually went and sat on her blanket and we had a nice long chat. It was nice to meet and talk with someone else.

At the second soccer game, she brough D6 who played. D6 was overdressed and I mentioned it to her and said she was going to get very hot. She played anyway and then had to stop because she got "too hot". I helped her change and wiped her down with a cool cloth. I gave W the extra clothes and didn't say anything. W put her chair down beside mine to watch the game. I had to move my chair so I could see the game better. Again I found another Mother to talk to which I did for the remainder of the game.

W reports that playdate for D6 the day before did not go well, kids were left in hot car by play date Dad, cops were called, pushing match ensued and just a bad scence. We agreed that she will never have a play date with this family or girl again. I was upset that W did not tell me about this for a full 24 hours after it happened.

The rest of the weekend was spent dinner with friend, evening with a friend, hosted scouts leadership meeting at house and washed clothes. It was a hard weekend for me - upset that I don't have kids but tried to keep myself busy and distracted.

Again, I cannot understand why she chose this life fo herself and our kids. I really really don't understand. I must remind myself to STOP THINKING ABOUT THE WHY as it doesn't matter. It is just this new reality is twice as hard as the old. TWICE AS HARD.

[asitis]

Just a suggestion on the communication thing: follow up your yes or no answers with a clarifying question. For instance, do you have a soccer ball? Yes, is there something you want me to do?

On the picking up snacks, I don't think it is our turn to provide snacks, so why do you ask?

She is not making the implicit explicit, and she is unlikely to change this. You can either allow the communication to continue to lead to conflict, or you can step up and find a way to mitigate the pattern. She's probably thinking you're being dense or intentionally obtuse. She may continue to think you are dense for asking, but at least you will be communicating better. Just one of the many sacrifices of being the adult in the R.

Can't help you on the struggle with why she chose this. Just know that almost all of us here are going through that, and we understand your pain and frustration. Unfortunately, we may never get that kind of closure, as our Ss may not fully understand themselves, and even if they do, they are unlikely to make themselves that open to us at least in the foreseeable future. It is a hard probability to accommodate oneself to. Hope you have better luck on it than I am.

[HeavyD]

So it dawned on me - Spouses who have affairs and leave don't go to counselors becuase they don't think anything is wrong! They don't feel the agony or misery that LBS do. They are high on the ride, regardless of the cost and loss of family.

LBS's are the one who go to counselors, therapists, group work, workingon ourselves and all of that. We do that to fill in and get over the grief.

WAW's don't feel the loss, they are one up! We are the one's that are one down.

Anyway, that made me feel better about the "why".

[asitis]

I think they feel the loss, but it is you that is the cause of all that pain. Even ones w/ ICs miss a lot of how their pain is self-inflicted & about their issues. It blocks a lot of personal growth.

We are blessed & cursed with not being able to deceive ourselves in this way. Blessed because we are better able to look at ourselves & grow. Cursed because we don't have an easy scapegoat to shift blame to for all our pain.

I fluctuate between resentment & compassion for my W on this. Usually the compassion wins the day, but there are moments.

[CaliGuy]

Very spot on heavy... We fill the void left with GAL and IC... They already have filled that void preBD with the OP and it's not till that A burns out and they are left alone with their own thoughts and questions do they looked internally, that's if they ever do at all .... It's easier to cast the blame for the failed relationships towards us as they did, and again to the OP ... Easier to blame someone else rather than to look inward ... Something at this point we all can at least understand as it's not an easy thing to digit us, might be even harder for them considering the amount of pride to be swallowed

[HeavyD]

OK AsitIs

I can ask for more clarification when we do have to talk. I really can't understand what she is asking for but you made a good point about implicit and explicit portions of a question.

I can do that.

[duke]

Hi HeavyD,

Do you have a shared online calendar set up like a Google calendar? I set one up the other day and it was pretty easy. Under each event you could list "bring ball" and list the snack days. This way its in writing and it leaves no chance for miscommunication. Its probably best that you limit verbal communication for organizing weekly events as much as possible. I learned quickly that no matter what you do you cannot win with WAS. Prime example, my WAS gave me what for and said my D was very disappointed that I sold our basketball stand and hoop all the while I was actually looking at and reading the email from her the day before telling me to sell the basketball stand and hoop. Everything is mine and your fault here no matter what.