as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[asitis]

No, I don't want her back in the state she is in. What I'd like is for her to agree to actually work on the M before ditching it and see.

My DB Coach points out that working out the D, especially if you can handle a lot of the negotiating yourself, a DB opportunity. There are opportunities to repair during disagreements. There are opportunities to build some emotional bonding. And, if you can work well on this most difficult thing your R will face, that can have a profound impact on the WAS.

Still, you just don't know until it plays out. You do the best you can.

I'm better on the being punched in the gut yesterday. We actually may have to put off our talk until next weekend because of some things that have come up. But no matter when, there will be lots of staying calm, trying to stay solution-focused, opportunities to employ some humor to lighten tense moments, and work together to solve thorny problems. Getting to that frame of mind took some work, but I'm ready for it.

You should have seen us today on tweeking the the parenting schedule. Both of us bending over to be flexible and make things work. Recognizing that the R and the other's needs were more important that getting some kind of advantage. Still not enough to repair the R, as we have always tended to work well together, and that hasn't been enough so far. But still, we are improving even on that.

In the meantime, we need to remember that we are grieving a huge loss, and that gets entangled w/ moments of hope and hurt and frustration. So, it is not a linear process. Embracing the grief and mourning the M when it strikes is just as important, if not more, to efforts to repair the M, at least at this time. So, I'm trying not to push the grief away when it arises in the last couple days.

[mutatio]

You are a wise man asitis, a wise man.

[PigPen]

Stay strong brother. Your DB coach is right but that is a tough tough road to walk. It's like hoping if you're good with your executioners as their walking you to the gallows that they'll have a change of heart. Except with D, especially with kids, their is an afterlife.

You're smart to realize that this is hurtful As, for her as well. So you're both going to be a bit triggered. It's only natural. Even leading up to it for the next two weeks, you'll probably find yourself a bit more on edge. Be ok with that.

I echo Mutatio, you're a wise man. Stay true to what you know and your highest self and you'll get through this. Don't let fear mess with you.

You got this.

PP

[asitis]

Thanks guys.

[HeavyD]

Hang in there Asitis! Your wise words have helped so many of these boards. Be strong!

[asitis]

So, W was over to help do some of the yard mowing. She was wearing something snug. She really has gained a lot of weight for her. I knew from seeing her regularly that she had gained some weight, but didn't realize how much until this outfit which didn't hide. I don't think I've ever seen her with a gut and flabby in the rear. She was a little soft when I first met her & she was in another long-term R. But ever since I've been with her, if she puts on a couple pounds, she cuts back on deserts and snacks, and takes care of it. I think it is partly cooking for herself, partly single parenting half time (you get overwhelmed more easily and opt for the quick & unhealthy in experience), and drinking more than she ever did.

She still can dress to conceal, and isn't really that overweight, just compared to all the rest of the time we've been together. Tt really is sad to see herself let herself go. Neither of us can take as good care of ourselves as we did when we lived together and were able to cooperate better on parenting & chores. Definitely some depression going on.

She has also been looking older lately. It's like she has aged about 5 years in the last year. It's not the appearance change that bothers me. H*ll, I may never get to see her naked again, or any other fun stuff. It is that it is a sign of the toll all of this is taking on her is difficult to watch.

[asitis]

W & I talked a bit today about her being overwhelmed about taking care of the house while only living in it half time, and how even if we were not D'ing we need to get out of the house now that I'm so busy that upkeep is an issue. I agreed with her (I've always disliked this house, and only agreed because she really wanted to get the property hunt done before S3 was born). I asked if she was planning to try to buy a house or move into an apartment after we sell & D. She said house. I said that I would too, but don't see how financially it will be workable.

She replied that we will be splitting the net proceeds of the house, and I reminded her that there are a lot of issues w/ the house that will need dealt w/ to market it, that these will cost some real $, and that after taking out commissions, we may have less than she things. And that our income levels may prove difficult to get enough of a mortgage to buy right away. She looked surprised by this and slightly troubled. I think she thinks that she'll just financially jettison me and be able to downscale a bit and be back in a home at least as nice as the current. I really think she thinks that she won't be paying spousal and child support for several years while I get my new career started. Very sad wake up coming.

I said we'd figure out how to get all the things that needs doing done, so don't worry. Reminded her that we've worked very well on making the S work, and we'll do the same w/ the D.

I had a very good weekend w/ the boys, with lots of social connecting. Playgroup forming w/ like-minded families that the boys love, making some new friends & professional contacts at S3's friend's b-day party, integrating into my church network at our annual retreat. I'm just really firing on all cylinders, and W is just idling. I think she thinks my being a decent, caring partner is a sign that I'm trying to win her back, rather than just me being me. She wants the split, but I'm the one moving on to a full life, while she wrestles with depression and not facing her issues because she mistakenly sees me as the main thing that needs changing in her life.

There is still a good dose of anger & resentment on her part, and the best thing I can do for her is to keep on my path and let her see that I'm not longer available as an excuse for facing her own issues.

[mutatio]

The last paragraph says it all. I feel the same way. It seems like the weekend was good for all of you.

Does your wife have this deep wisdom that you have?
If so are her emotions clouding her intellect?

I mean no disrespect. You are a very wise man and she is educated, so where is her disconnect?

[asitis]

My W is an intellectual peer. That is part of what attracted us to each other. She has insights, but she really seems to be struggling with the fog of giving me too much power and credit for her issues, and an unwillingness to do the hard work necessary to turn the pain & suffering into depth & growth.

Those two are interrelated, as it is really hard to recognize the need for hard work on oneself when you are still blaming another for much of your pain & suffering. I wish I could say that I feel nothing but compassion for her struggles, but I'm not always that good. It still pains me to see how she is rationalizing not making the real effort to repair things for the sake of our kids. I know she & her IC are doing the it is better for kids to not stay w/ a loveless M, but it is a loveless M in large part because they've rationalized the easy way out.

I can't say any of this to her, as she is afraid of me using my intellect to convince her that her needs and wants are not legitimate (she claims that I did this all the time in the past - which I'm sure is in large part true), but it makes it impossible when you actually have something compelling to bring it up. Even if you try to carefully couch it in understanding and do lots of listening and validating, it will take a while yet (if ever) for her to move beyond that block. And, in these sitch'es, we know that you can't use arguments to win the day.

Sad & frustrating, as you all know more than well enough.

[otw]

Wow Asitis,
you have put in writing things that i have been feeling and thinking for a while. I agree in my sitch that if i am acting caring and positive that my W believes it is me trying to win her back or make her rethink. I am just being a good person and would be the same with anyone.

I also have had to stop talking about the reality of the separation as she also sees that as me trying manipulate the situation and make her think she needs me. Not true, but if she is planning on this moving forward so bad, she knows my intentions are to keep the house and a minimum of 50% custody, why hasnt she even looked into finding more employment? right now she teaches a few dance classes a week. she is going to need a lot more work than that even with any spousal support she gets.