Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Vanilla
Thanks for the advice. The shock/pain of her affair is wearing off. She's reaching out to me, being nice. She hasn't really been nice to me in a long, long time. I'm keeping my distance, but I'm going to go over and hang out with my kids tomorrow night. She will be there. I'm taking the baby step. First, just being able to be in the same room with her. Being upbeat, friendly, but detached. If I can handle that, I'll open the door to friendship. See where that goes.

Sandi2
Thanks so much! I appreciate the encouragement. Deeply. I guess part of this is that in reality, her feelings do matter. It took me a long time to kind of come around to that fully. As a man, it's easy to dismiss her feelings. To argue that she should not feel the way she does because of reasons. But if I've been doing that my whole marriage, then I bet she will respond if I let her feel. I should. I care about her heart, why she feels the way she does. I'm going to start by continuing to validate, not argue, allow her to feel what she does, and be a rock. If she can't move past the old hurts, and doesn't think she can be happy with me, then that's ok. I'll be ok either way. I do want to be with her, but I want a powerful and happy marriage that's built on two people loving each other. With true forgiveness.

I read one of the books recommended to me earlier, and it has a good exercise. It says to write out on a piece of paper all the things that you hold against your W. The big mental list of transgressions, how they made you feel. Then you burn the list, and let it all go.

I think I'm going to do that, since I don't think I can move forward without forgiveness, grace, and mercy. I love her. I want to protect her heart, and set her free from the pain that she's carried all these years. I can't do that if I don't let it go. And in doing that, I let it out of my heart too.

I'm finally learning how to be a man. Funny to say it that way, but she needs my strength, not my weakness. I can give that to other men. She needs the good stuff, and even as a friend, I'm going to finally give it to her. My goal is not really to win her heart, though I wish I could, but rather to use this horrible situation, the pain and agony, to finally build the man I should have been all my adult life.

Thanks again for following me and helping me through this!

[Solo15]

So W called me up today and asked to go to lunch with me. I decided to accept. We went out, talked, had a good time. Her vibe was really weird. Like, she was asking questions, was really engaged with what I was saying, was polite, not cold and seemed genuinely cool.

I'm not sure if this is a response to me pulling away. Seems like the gears are turning. I kept it detached but kind. My frame has definitely changed. Was not perusing her. Was cool, confident, self possessed. I decided when I left, and didn't offer anything else.

She is confusing the heck out of me. My gut is telling me that she's starting to reach out to me, and her tone has certainly softened a lot. I think I'm going to just keep going like this for a while and see what happens. She's pretty desperate to connect with me. Not sure if this is a test to see my level of emotional attachment or not. Maybe the fog is lifting a bit. Tough to tell.

[mutatio]

Solo15, wow great news. It may not add up to much or it could be something. Time will tell.

Stay the course brother, don't get deluded by the possibilities.

[Solo15]

I had a pretty odd weekend. My W has continually been reaching out wanting to spend time with me. I saw her on Saturday. We spent some time at the house together. She brought me lunch after I did the lawn.

Sunday she calls me up and we talk for a few hours in the morning. then in the afternoon she calls me up and asks what I'm doing that night. I said I didn't have plans. Then I asked if she wanted to get a beer with me(I have no idea why). She said she would love that. So after I put my kids down at my parent's house, we met up and had a few beers. Talked a good bit about non-relationship stuff. Then she invited me back to her house for a piece of cake she had made. I went. We hung out more. Then she asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her. I said sure. We sat on the couch watching the movie. First she leans a pillow up against me and leans up on me. Then as time goes on the pillow gets further and further up my chest. She asked me to stroke her hair because she had a headache. So I did. Movie is over, I shut it off, and the pillow goes away, she wraps her arms around me, puts her head on my chest. I pull her in. So I'm sitting there in shock. Then she reaches out and holds my hand. Mind blown.

This goes on for twenty minutes or so, and then I told her it was getting late and I had to go. She said I could stay. I told her I had to be up with the kids in the morning. I left. Never verbally acknowledged anything. Did not bring it up.

Next day, she invites me to dinner. We hang out after the kids are in bed. I told her I had to leave to go to the gym. I reached out to give her a fist bump and she demands that we hug. So I do.

I don't know if this is all crazy, or if something has changed. Just gonna keep it super chill and keep doing what I'm doing. Funny how unaffected I am by this. I guess that's detachment. I mean, I would be lying if I said that this wasn't welcome, but I can see that she's different. Maybe this is the beginning of something new. Maybe just a blip on the radar. But either way, I'm still working on myself. I'm still growing, GAL, hitting the gym, and looking to my future for what I want and how to be the best man I can.

Thanks again for all the help guys. You have all changed my life immensely.

[Vanilla]

So W called me up today and asked to go to lunch with me. I decided to accept. We went out, talked, had a good time. Her vibe was really weird. Like, she was asking questions, was really engaged with what I was saying, was polite, not cold and seemed genuinely cool.

I'm not sure if this is a response to me pulling away. Seems like the gears are turning. I kept it detached but kind. My frame has definitely changed. Was not perusing her. Was cool, confident, self possessed. I decided when I left, and didn't offer anything else.

She is confusing the heck out of me. My gut is telling me that she's starting to reach out to me, and her tone has certainly softened a lot. I think I'm going to just keep going like this for a while and see what happens. She's pretty desperate to connect with me. Not sure if this is a test to see my level of emotional attachment or not. Maybe the fog is lifting a bit. Tough to tell.

No expectations.

Yes some temp checking going on with this one.

It's also very early days and it's ok to have "plans" and not always be available. Even if it's a coffee with a friend, a game on TV or the gym.

Coooool........

V

[mutatio]

How are you my friend?

[Solo15]

Yeah, good advice Vanilla. Gotta bottle it all up. Keep my head on straight.

Thanks for checking in on me mutatio. It's been a tough couple of days but I'm generally ok.

W is still being very pleasant. Went over a couple days ago to see the kids. She was feeling sick, so when I went over I brought her some soup. She kissed my cheek when she saw it. We hugged goodbye and spent some time talking. Nothing about R, but just general stuff.

I honestly don't like how this is going. It makes me feel weird. She just does whatever she feels. I find it all very confusing. Like really really so. I mean, if I were to be physical with someone, it would have a romantic backing. But for her, it's like she can do these kinds of things and not feel. How do you not feel for someone. It's such a blurry line. The last two years have been just this constant feeling of never being able to trust in progress.

It's like she's hardened her heart to me, and there is just nothing I can possibly do to break through the ice. That being said, it at least appears that she is opening up to the idea, but I have no way of knowing.

A healthy couple should be able to forgive, to communicate intentions, etc. What I really believe is that she just takes the parts that she enjoys(it used to be sex), and not have the closeness, intimacy, commitment, or anything else. That's why I have to be so careful. I can't get back into that place where she was torturing me with hope.

I've just no tools to work with in a relationship where I have romantic feelings for someone who doesn't share them, but sometimes acts that way. Ugh.

[mutatio]

This path we are on can get lonely and rough. I hope your faring well. The silent treatment my wife gives me is a cause of major struggle for me. I read your posts and feel your pain. Do you have a healthy outlet for your suffering? I blew a major gasket on my thread today.

I don't have much I can offer you now except support. Better days are coming, hopefully in our lifetimes.

[mutatio]

Greetings Solo, I just ran my errands. Life's funny, 2-3 months ago I would race through my errands and rush back home to try to fix the marriage. Today, I put on the radio, drove from place to place and enjoyed the solitude. Patience and time got me here and it will bring you to a better place.

Solo, I would like to share my thoughts with you on what you mentioned in your post on my thread today:

"Honestly, I never fathomed how my life could be turned into something this horrible. The pain you are going through is agony. Just by being here, all of us are united in a special way. We all love. We are all afraid, broken, and hurting. Bleeding out every day. Trying to hold on in the maelstrom of blows that rain down on us. It strips us down to our bones."

I feel your pain Solo. I am saddened by reading your words, they are written with such honest, strong emotion. I am so sorry you have to have this pain in your life, it gnaw's at you soul. I went through this also, like many here. Remember this Solo, "This too shall pass".

I would like to share my thoughts on what you wrote here:

"Then there are these other people. Our spouses. They are not like us. They are not here trying. I have a certain hatred in me for all of them. The selfishness."

Don't let the hate consume you, don't go down this path. As John Lennon said "Love is all you need". They are simply broken people, emotionally and/or psychologically broken. They are fighting their demons and thinking only of themselves. Yes they are selfish but don't hate them. I feel sorrow for them, not pity, sorrow. They are lost trying to find their way and can't see the forest through the trees. For some of them, there is such emptiness within and may have had it all their lives. You and I have our faults and they have theirs. I am not excusing them for their actions and actions do have consequences.

What I'm trying to get across is you can love your wife with all your heart and not like what she is doing one bit. Don't let hate in Solo, it is not your friend and it will consume you little by little.

Love is all you need, be well Solo

[Avanti]

Solo15, I have read through your thread and at times I became very emotional, you really have been through it and as mentioned on mutatio's thread you seem to be in a dark place right now.

You have obviously thought long and hard about things and spend time judging yourself when it's not really needed. My dad said to me not that long ago "you take things very seriously, you need to lighten up a bit" and it really made me think as feelings are something my dad has never talked to me about. Do you think that maybe you need a dose of the same medicine? You say you are GAL, are you letting go and enjoying the time? Have you watched your favourite comedy show or film recently and had a really good belly laugh? If not maybe it's time to.

Taking time to "let go and allow things to just be" a bit isn't going to change things in your R that much immediately but if you do it often enough, you may feel slightly lighter of mind and that'll come across in your conversations with your W so you'll get a positive response which will prompt you to do more and so on.

One other point that did come to mind was that most, if not all, of your posts are very W focussed and although you are spending time on GAL activities,also changing the focus of your posts onto you may also help, it's all part of that detachment thing so many talk about and say is the most important thing; that's because it is. :-)

What you should also be aware of is that, it's scientifically proven that if your mind thinks of something negative and keeps thinking about it, the next time round it'll embellish the thought with some new, possibly made up, facet and then send it round again and again and it'll keep growing like a snowball down a hill until everything is dark. If you feel this happening, recognise it and gently lead yourself away from those thoughts onto something else. I use non-spiritual Mindfulness Meditation that came out of research into depression at Oxford University, UK and it works wonders once you get the hang of it, but that's not for everyone and there are other ways, praying for instance. Spend time looking into this area, it was one of the big keys for me and stopped me feeling so much pain and being out of control, bitter, angry, prone to rash and irrational actions...

Make the decision to take greater control of your mind and as the DB books says, become solution orientated then you'll find yourself turning quite a significant corner and things may not seem quite so dark or confusing anymore.

You have great wisdom and introspection, start making it work for you. Not that you are currently consciously working against yourself, it is sadly what appears to be happening given your recent posts.

Hang in there, we are all here to help as best we can, so keep on posting, even if it's simply to rant.