Mighty- glad to hear you are doing well. All that inner dialogue sounds so familiar. Have you been eavesdropping? You keep trying to rationalize what can never be rationalized. Giving too much worth to a person that does not value other people in the same way. The more time passes the more I see that the man I married does not walk this earth. For whatever reason he has ceased to exist.
You are an amazing and precious person. Your kids see this. Your friends and family do too. Surround yourself with only these folks and just let the past be the past. Hang in there mighty.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Just wanted to let you know that things are great these days. I am so happy. I have released, released, released! uR, you got it girl... those times you would tell me I was still giving him headspace, well I was.
It was much less, so I thought it was OK. Which it was, and a process in which I needed to go through. I actually thought I would always have the thoughts and questions.. that would appear in my mind.
Now, I get it... that's still headspace. I can say I feel it is gone. It has been a good chunk of time, I know, so much more to go, but I have overcome the most difficult.
I never could even imagine that I would get to a place where I just didn't really even care anymore. Didn't think it was possible.
I know I was progressing, but Wal-Gate brought forth a fast and furious release. Eye-opening, not caring, energy release for me.
I have released them, from my mind, to go do whatever, however, whenever they want. Don't want to know. Don't care.
Enough about that. I am happier. Quite possibly happier than I've ever been in my life. It's amazing what can happen to you when you let go of such a major burden. So many follow, ones you didn't even know existed.
It's a very different view of the world and mind-set that I have now. I am at peace. I am comfortable. Things are good.
I still struggle with overcoming setbacks, like financially, and with the house and kids, but nothing that is debilitating. The kitchen is not done, but it is functional and mostly complete. I am at a standstill, for financial reasons. And that's ok. It is beautiful and amazing. We love it. My friends love it. My kids love it. It's huge and a big hang out area.
We have had lots of pool time and gathering. It's just such a fun, positive, relaxing atmosphere in my house now. People call and come by a lot for some relaxation and laughs.
I feel pretty good about myself. I think I look better than I have in a very long time. Granted, the irreversible toll the past two-three years have taken on me (even prior to bd) is present. But I have embraced it, and I think that my smile makes a bit of a difference. I'd forgotten what it was like for awhile. Which is so not me. And I get comments about it often now, too. And, I am back at my ideal weight, too.
Had my 20 year reunion this weekend. It was like a weekend event. It was a blast and I know I would have never enjoyed it like I did without... weight.
Anyway, lots of new things going on. Nothing significant. I will post again in the near future, but I just wanted to give a shout out to my friends and supporters.
Oh, my brain is still transitioning, tho. I can feel it struggling with things at times. I think in a way that is described as what a MLCer feels. Like, I think I obtained some sympathy pains of it. Emotionally contagious. Weird.
I will just put one thing that has happened... well the only thing since Wal-Gate. I was taking on the burdensome task of cleaning out the office the other day. It was his room. Still has stuff there, like birth cert, and all sorts of things.
Anyway, for the past year and a half, I haven't really been in there. I used it as a room to "dump" things in while the house was under construction.
So, on the desk, there were some file folders. I picked them up and right there on top of the desk, right out in plain sight, something I had never even looked at.
On a piece of computer paper, turned landscape direction, in xh's writing, "I CAN'T CHANGE". It was traced over and over a few times. His writing, no doubt. It was the only thing on the paper. Dead center of the paper. Right out on the desk. He had been spending a little more time in there prior to bd. But, it was a bit of a.... moment for me.
Confusing, weird, shaking stuff up... but nothing like it ever has. Add to it all his "stuff" including our marriage cert, divorce papers, pictures of us, 'his' room, 'his' stuff... and that paper.
But I'm OK, and it does not bother me anymore, really. I felt badly for him to be such a broken person. IT's just not my problem anymore.
So keep it going, guys. The support here is amazing, and going through the process is so worth everything. EVERYTHING... bc it changes EVERYTHING for the better. And that's the way I want to live the rest of my life.
Mighty, I'm so happy you came by and posted an update. Yes, it's quite a load that you've been carrying around, but boy, once you let it go, you feel a hundred times lighter. I'm very happy that you've truly begun the process of letting go. Yes, there will be times when things hit you, but you've got this and you now know that those times will get shorter and shorter as time moves along.
So, how was the reunion? Did you enjoy yourself? You mentioned the kitchen...how's that going? Take it one step at a time and when you have a few dollars, sock it away for the rest of the renovations. What I found useful for me was to dump all of my pocket change into a jar and when it got full, I'd take it to the bank and do the change counter and you'd be surprised at home much you saved up just in coins. You might want to think about doing that because it's easier.
You sound so much better and I hope that the rest of the summer is a happy one for you and your family!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So nice to read an update, Mighty! You sound great. I'm right there with you. I haven't felt this good in a VERY long time. I'm ME again, and I'm having fun. Sounds like you are too. We had to walk through it to get to the other side, one painful step at a time. Happy to hear you're coming back to life along with me!!!
LiveNow
P.S. I love "Wal-gate". Hilarious.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I love this! So happy for you, Mighty. You are one wonderful lady:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hey girl...well, alright, alright, alright..love the tone of that post.
Funny thing when you let go more and more, right? You feel lighter. When you do, it leads to other stuff. Like you enjoying your home, family and friends more. It makes it all richer and deeper.
Sad about that piece of paper..for a lot of reasons. Mostly because imagine what that feels like..how stuck and final and bleak it must be to feel like you cant change yourself or your life, but, it's not your problem any longer.
You are doing wonderfully, sweetie. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. So very happy for you.
There will be moments that feel like a little setback. They aren't though. Sometimes you can leap over a puddle and sometimes you have to back up to take a running leap.
Mighty --- yay for you!! How I want to get to that place of detachment. You sound fabulous and fierce and happy. So thrilled to know that you are doing so well.
{{{hugs}}}
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
