It looks to be a very useful book, at least in places. There are still a lot of things one can't apply if the S doesn't want to work on the R. It also paints a somewhat bleak picture for Ms in the state ours our in. But, it makes one realize that getting to the point where you have stopped triggering the association of you with anger & pain, where things are friendly (not friends yet, but maybe), that if given enough time, the associations can shift out of Negative Sentiment Override.
It isn't easy wo/ good MC, but that tool has been taken out of most of our hands by our Ss. Giving calm, and friendly, and hoping for a bit of actual friendship, and time is what seems to be the conclusion of what I've looked at in the book so far.
The reason the M history gets rewritten is the cognitive dissonance between the memory and the current feeling state. The brain rewires to make the focus of the memory connect to the current feeling state. Spend a long enough time in that negative state, and the memories that are dredged up get reassigned. It is probably the reason why you shouldn't bring up the good times to S at this stage. You are just offering those memories up to be recatagorized. Let them be until maybe the current feeling state alters. Then when they are accessed, they will be seen more positively. At least that's my take on it.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Yes! That makes sense. It is at the point where I am completely blown away at the way he interprets things. Its like he has to be trying to put a negative spin on things, actively trying because it is such a stretch. There has to be something going on in his brain that is causing this.
And the fire pit example- yes, that is my life too right now!
Ugh! W just e-mailed to see if we can meet for an hour to start dividing up assets & finances. I was hoping she'd go a bit slower on this. Not just because I'm not anxious to do this, but I'm tired & I just don't want to deal with it.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I should add, that my immediate reaction is to try to reason with her about letting this have time & what we are both going through, & why does is she so sure that this is best. I won't, but you recognize how much it still prods and pulls at you.
Just don't react. A good mantra.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Maybe she can get all of the relationship books in the split, you're a master at this by now. I am sorry for your pain today, but maybe each step you go through will get you closer to the other side, whichever way it ends up. One step closer to being off the roller coaster.
Maybe she can get all of the relationship books in the split, you're a master at this by now. I am sorry for your pain today, but maybe each step you go through will get you closer to the other side, whichever way it ends up. One step closer to being off the roller coaster.
DB & DR as part of the settlement. I like that.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I am disappointed to read this. It must be difficult emotionally. I am sad writing this. Be well my friend.
As we say, we don't know what she is actually thinking, where her mind will be a month from now, let alone 8 months. So, it is what it is. It just still surprises me when it kicks me in the gut.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
You have helped me a lot so I just wanted to chime in and say I feel your pain. My D is proceeding as well. He text and he said either I file or he was but he needed to get done this week. I said if you feel that is what you need then you go ahead and file I am not.
He said he would have be served at work today and sorry if I would be embarrassed. I said no worries. I have not gotten served today.
My point is Asitis is that you are right maybe down the road they will rethink it or regret it but right now in my situ he has no regrets and no rethinks and for me it is best just to move forward. I think H will go thru with it.
Look at it this way would you really want them back in the state that they are in now? Could you imagining living with them like they are now for another 20 years? I say no way. I am willing to compromise because I know some things need changed but lets face it they kinda are being jerks and we deserve better imo.
