Fair point, SunnyB. Stbx makes a point of correcting D4 when she calls his place "your house". He says "you mean our house?". But she has to pack pjs and clothing every time she goes there. Whatev.
Interesting to note: stbxmil who still has a key to my home and used it last time she came over does NOT have a key to her son's home. Wonder if his GF does...
Also wanted to add: I think it's best I don't see stbxmil right now. I have a cold, and on top of that I am approaching the two year BD anniversary. I haven't seen or spoken to MIL in several months and I'm not sure I could do it with out getting emotional. But if she wanted to continue to have a relationship with me, she would. She loved me, she has always been very warm to me. And now she's vanished. Which I can understand... but I can only put some boundaries on myself right now.
Could be the wrong call, or at least not the bravest or strongest call, but it's what I feel I need right now. And that's ok.
Thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it a lot.
Hi Claire! I've been following along and also have MIL issues. If I were you I'd hit this straight on in a very diplomatic way. If u say no bc u are sick today, your message is clear to them: YES but not today. It's easier if you say no, i want D to start thinking of your house as hers too just as you do so its important from the start for her to spend your days at your place. And just as important for "his" days to be a break for you to have some space all to yourself, for respite. If youre hosting, providing meals for and cleaning up after your d AND your MIL then youre not getting needed reapite. That is reasonable and they do not have to agree or like your position.
I speak from some experience. I put my kids first and wanted them comfortable in their own home, and thus in years they have not seen or know where their dad lives, and when i come home from my respite (which means packing and leaving) i have him to clean up after as well as my kids. I resent it but bc my h is abusive and cruel i havent wanted to insist on any more time with him than necessary. I say dont do what i did, and establish an expectation that he completely parent his kids, in his home, when its his time. Not be or arrange for a sitter in your house.
But good luck to you whatever you decide is right for you. I'll be thinking of ya.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I need to vent for a moment. I spent way too long on back and forth emails with stbx today-- negotiating a schedule change (that works out for both of us, which is a big positive), and some other co-parenting /childcare/budget stuff. Like maybell, I find it tiring and draining to have to deal with him at all. And all the while, I'm practicing my zen Db, stfu moves.. I draft a reply, then revise, then pause, then delete the whole thing and start again in the hopes that I continue to be someone only a fool would leave. It's exhausting. Because all the while I'm fighting the urge to rage at him because my daughter was crying "don't go!" this morning and I had to tell her I'll see her tomorrow afternoon even though that is not my choice.
Or when he continues to blame me for how long this process is taking, even though he still can barely bring himself to say the word divorce, still has important mail delivered to my home (and hands some to me and says, "you can recycle these.", and still has a whole bunch of crap in the apartment and basement storage.
Ugh. Ok. Vent over.
I am going to an event in my neighborhood for separated and divorced parents. I am a total introvert, so terrified at walking in not knowing anyone, but proud that I'm pushing myself to do so.
Divorce STINKS. Mr. Cr@ptastic gets mail here at my new place and he's never so much as had a key to the house.
Are you to a point where you can give him an ultimatum about the stuff? It's exhausting to have that stuff around.
I've been watching other people's marriages as closely as I can and it is interesting the amount of reciprocity and respect I can see in the nice ones. Even the ones that are very dysfunctional have a degree of caring that I can't remember enjoying. I think some of the hurt I've been feeling lately comes from realizing how worthless I've felt. How are you doing, Claire?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I recently asked STBX to sort through some stuff he left in his closet. I told him that I didn't mind to store a few things for him, but if it was clothes he hadn't worn in a year, I was going to get rid of them. He sorted through about half of it, and I took it to Goodwill the next day. He still has some stuff to go through, I'll probably have to ask a few more times.
And I'm a little surprised at how long it's taking STBX to get his financial stuff into the L. He tried to throw me under the bus the other day for something he was supposed to send and didn't, and he still owes more information. If he doesn't get it in soon, we may not make our scheduled meetings. The last meeting is scheduled for November 17, exactly one year to the day that he moved out. I thought that was rather fitting.
You and MB and I are generally in the same place, it's nice to have you girls for support!
Quick update : The event was fun-- all women but I finally met someone in my area who was the LBS. Most of the divorced women I know (and I don't know too many to begin with) were the ones who left. So it was nice to share our stories a bit and have some delicious wine!
There was even more scheduling emails from stbx...I suggested that we set a date to go over it all once a month. ("You mean like a phone call? ") yes stbx, it can be a phone call; we don't have to actually sit down together in person if being in the presence of my awesomeness would make you uncomfortable. Haha!)
The good news is he agreed that would make things more efficient.
Another positive is that he stepped up to help out when my D4 was sick this week, AND we calmly found a solution (which had typically been a huge source of stress and anxiety in the past). I am a very different person than I used to be, and more and more I'm starting to feel sorry for him and his Gf. What's the story she told her family? How proud can you be to be with a man who left his wife and small child? Is he really such a prize? What must his own mother think of him that he basically left his beautiful intelligent wife, who was struggling with PPD and is now much healthier, for a younger woman from work?! When her own H did that to her! So icky all around.
He's a fool,and even if I can't stay in this home, I'm better off without him and D4 and I will be great.
Very nice update, Claire! Having been through it, I have to say -- leaving the home and moving in to my own has been much more of a blessing than I expected. There are no icky associations here. No memories of the things he said "we" would do to make it "ours." This place is all mine and the kids', and I am free to be clear and open with them about the order in which we'll get things done. So even if you do end up moving, consider that once you get past that stress, which is only for a limited period, you will be even freer than you are now.
I'd say you are a success story!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Been over a month since I've updated. I think I'm struggling to figure out where/if I fit in on these boards. So I'll just think out loud a bit here in case anyone is listening!
It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.
But the Newcomers board is mostly folks who are well, new. Or actively DB'ing. I'm not really there either anymore.
I've accepted that this D is happening (we are negotiating our settlement at the moment), and don't feel as scared as I once did. I'm also realizing I'm a pretty awesome person and mom, even though I'm far from perfect and still have a lot of work to do on myself.
And I don't want him back, but I can't bring myself to say I want to be D either. Being a single mom is hard. I miss his family and feel so betrayed by them as well. I care about what is going on with his gf WAYYYYY more than I should. And I still have a lot of anger. But every time I imagine telling him how I feel, it just sounds so pathetic and lame.
This time of year is particularly hard. The BD was end of October, our anniversary a week after that. And then holiday season. So much family time shoved in my face. My own family is not particularly a source of joy for me.
I feel a bit adrift. My single friends from before my marriage moved on to other friendships while I was married/having a kid/in crisis. The acquaintances I made through my H are not in my life anymore. My married friends are understandably busy with their own families. And even many of the single mom friends I've made are now dating someone. I feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not ready to date-- and afraid of dating just so I won't feel lonely. That's what got me into this situation in the first place.
This holiday weekend was such a mixed bag. Had a wonderful couple of days with my D, caught up with a friend, spent some great time outside in nature. But was also really, really sad at times.
I'm trying to be kind to myself while keeping an eye on it to make sure I'm not heading down a dark path... Thanks for listening. I'm so thankful for this community.
It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.
I wasn't always happier and at peace - it's a process that takes time and you will eventually get there! Continue to give it the patience and time that you are doing now. It's good that you recognize the situation you are in and that you are jumping into situations such as dating before you are ready.
The holidays are really, really difficult for people - especially those going through the separation, divorce or even post divorce. Try to stay involved and don't withdraw. Is there some places you could volunteer at to keep you busy and also end up meeting some new friends? Just an idea.
