as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[asitis]

Weird day today. Was going great, then W e-mailed me about taking the kids early so she can do a training for something she is going to volunteer for. No problem, but immediately wondered if she was doing this w/ someone, if you know what I mean. Quickly dispatched that as either silly or not something I really have any control over.

Then realized how much I still missed being part of her life, even after 7 months of S and lots of detachment. Went through all the fun of wondering whether or not she missed me and was determined not to allow that to stop her decision or just plain old didn't miss me. Whatever, cheeseless tunnel. That passed.

Then tonight I got John Gottman's What Makes Love Last? which a colleague recommended as his best for couples that were actually failing, rather than his usual target audience of couples worried about their relationship & strengthening it. Read a little bit, then took his questionaire on throwing in the towel (ch. 12). Tried to do it from my perspective & then from W's based on what she is saying & I suspect would be her realistic answer. Scored in the your R is dead zone. Sh*t. But surprisingly, that gave me a preverse hope. I recognized that her neuropathways have become re-wired in the past year to perceive most things I do as negative & a threat (which is part of where the re-writing R history comes from - I'll write about that sometime). And, we really are in the first month or so of me not triggering her negative reaction, having a few truly pleasant interactions, no negative triggers. It will take a while for those new associations to create new opportunities to view events differently. I have some of that time, as even if we start pushing forward on negotiations, nothing final is happening until after May of next year, and I doubt we could pull it off by then.

So, even with that negative stuff, I'm oddly optimistic coming out of today. I want to try to be less accessible generally. For instance, this afternoon I had the boys & we did father-sons dinner night. Dropped them off at the house. W was upstairs. Said goodbye to the boys, made sure she was actually up there by calling up, then left. I'm sure she expected me to take the opportunity to come up and attempt connection. Just got in the car and got home. I have some reading to get done for work/school tomorrow, & I'll swap the kids then. No reason to be available or intrude while she was relaxing in an evening off.

Nothing really big, but just felt like sharing.

[ATPeace]

Asitis warm hugs from ME to you I just thought I would check in on your sitch having a stubborn partner does not make things any easier but my thoughts are you have to keep that open mind

When you say have not explored every option I too can relate fully to this my w will not go to counselling she has checked out she has given up....well my thoughts are when everything is done and dusted I need to be able to say to myself and possibly my children I tried Everything to keep us all together if I can do this then I will sleep better.

Take care

Ghost

[mutatio]

I like Gottman. I have one of his books and was thinking of getting "What Makes Love Last?". Let me know what you think when you have digested it.

Have you had to deal with icy indifference and silence from your wife. I would love to know how you might handle it. I remain neutral and try to ignore it. I think I give off a nervous vibe when I talk to her. I sometimes get apologetic when I feel the dreaded eye roll coming.

[asitis]

I did have to deal w/ that during the height of the anger stage and before I learned the difference between ending the pursuit and END THE PURSUIT. What I mean by that is that while I thought I had stopped pursuing by not initiating contact other than when it was an issue concerning the kids/co-parenting, I was still subtly pursuing her in may ways.

The other thing was really learning to listen & validate better to her anger, then come back the next day or so & tell her I thought about what she said & revalidate. Helped to go away for over two weeks as well.

So, nothing specific to say, but it is a signal that you may still be pursuing in ways you don't realize and she is responding to the threat w/ distancing defense.

[asitis]

Asitis warm hugs from ME to you I just thought I would check in on your sitch having a stubborn partner does not make things any easier but my thoughts are you have to keep that open mind

When you say have not explored every option I too can relate fully to this my w will not go to counselling she has checked out she has given up....well my thoughts are when everything is done and dusted I need to be able to say to myself and possibly my children I tried Everything to keep us all together if I can do this then I will sleep better.

Take care

Ghost

That's true in a sense, but the best thing I think I'm doing is to stop focusing on fixing the M, and focus on myself. Just really give her the space she clearly wants, allow her to have no real reason to perceive me as threatening, limit the interactions sharply so that there are just a few pleasant interactions, not daily or even multiple contacts a day, even if she seems to be initiating some. So, stopping trying to fix the M is the best way it seems to actually stand a chance to possible fix the M down the road. It is also, just a lot less stressful and let's me focus on re-building my life.

I know you seem really reluctant to stop trying to fix things, or find that trick that we are overlooking, but it really does work better to let go a lot. Try it. If it doesn't work, you try something else. You get time to experiment a bit before the clock strikes midnight.

[mutatio]

Thank you asitis, your wisdom is only surpassed by your compassion.

[PigPen]

[/quote]

That's true in a sense, but the best thing I think I'm doing is to stop focusing on fixing the M, and focus on myself. Just really give her the space she clearly wants, allow her to have no real reason to perceive me as threatening, limit the interactions sharply so that there are just a few pleasant interactions, not daily or even multiple contacts a day, even if she seems to be initiating some. So, stopping trying to fix the M is the best way it seems to actually stand a chance to possible fix the M down the road. It is also, just a lot less stressful and let's me focus on re-building my life.

[/quote]

I like this As, it's the same thing only in a much different focus. The more you work on you, the more you can do for your M when the time is right. And the more space you'll give your W. As you said in an earlier post, she still has access to you, lots of it. That's not space and separation.

Keep building yourself As, do all of the things simply to turn yourself into the man you know you can be and let the rest unfold as it will.

I have complete faith in your ability to focus on a project or task and this seems like a really good one.

Thanks for your words tonight as well, they were a big help to me.

Big hug,

PP

[asitis]

Your welcome PP. Of course,it is much easier to say than do, at least in my experience. It is still too easy to get sucked into her orbit. It is more like I decide to go this route, and do fine for a week or so when I'm really focused on abiding my my decision. But gradually the gravity of her pull reels me in a bit, and I catch myself having slipped. Then you repeat w/ the focusing on what you decided, and go through the same cyle. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[gonegrl]

I am going to get that book. I am SURE my H's neuropathways have been rewired. I can literally ask him "How are you?" and he will jump down my throat and say "what do you mean by that?" This is a real example.

As, just so you know I have ordered almost every book you've recommended and have quite a library now.

Thanks for your informative and thoughtful postings as always.

[tkdmme]

I have been getting similar reactions from my W. The other night she started a fire in the fire pit out back. I came out and asked where she found the wood so quickly. She got mad and said that I was being accusatory. As if I cared where the wood came from. I was just making small talk. This has happened several times in the past few months where she takes what I say and turns it around as if I am accusing her of something.

She even said that she didn't like the way I pray with the kids. I always start by thanking God for my family, house, job etc... She thinks im trying to make her look bad or something.