Your W doesnt love her OM, she is infatuated with him and you have been paving the road for her to continue to deepen her affair. Has she faced any consequences from this? Then she has no reason to stop.
Her state of limerence is what has caused her to detach from you and her children. The vast majority of the time WW will eventually reattach with her children - could be a few weeks, months, maybe years. But always well before she re-attaches to her BH.
If she is really willing to give you primary custody right now - you absolutely have to lock this in because she WILL change her mind. I've seen this too many times to count. WW is in la-la land and will give any concession to feed her affair addiction, the BH comes in to see me but is paralyzed out of fear and love. Invariable, reality comes crashing down on WW and she blames all on BH. Then she starts with any weapon she has, insults, bad-mouthing, false accusations, RO's, stealing money, parental alienation. Now the BH is on his back foot, facing every-other weekend custody, 60% of his salary on alimony and child support and everyone thinks he is an abuser. And now he hates his WW, and is kicking himself for not doing something when he had the chance.
Consult an attorney and then either file with them or file yourself immediately. This doesnt mean you will get a divorce, this means that you are in a position of strength - you will control the pace of the petition and you will hold the cards either in an eventual divorce or in a possible reconciliation.
She may seem all but possessed right now, but her short duration, long distance affair will likely crumble when she starts seeing some real consequences. The prospect of losing you AND her children, on legal documents and in physical reality is a very real consequence.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
No fade. Unfortunately she has not had to face aand single consequence for this yet. At least not any that she cares to notice yet. The children notice that she's not the same. But like you said I don't think that will come to fruition till she snaps back to reality.
However as an update from yesterday I think I made a major mistake last night. She wound up having severe abdominal pains so we took her to the hospital because she has a history with liver disease. I will end up breaking down on the way home I did not beg her to be with me or to leave him or anything of that nature but I did cry and say that how much this is hurting me. How I am glad to see her happy but it is still hurting me so bad. Unfortunately this is still fresh for me and seeing her in the hospitalbecause combined with the situation of the current events cause me to lose it on the way home.
And while I am positive that did not help me. It did feel nice to be able to talk to my best friend even though she was high as a kite and probably not listening. It is really amazing what 10 hours of sleep over the course of a week will do to you. I know that I need sleep but at this current point but I cannot seem to shut my brain off.
Also thank you could add I do intend on keeping posting. And I do plan on not letting her see any of it. And as soon as I can get some finances I plan on getting the book. I am the sole provider currently and I only make about 30,000 a year so money is usually an issue. Lol
I feel better now that I've had a few hours sleep since we got home. I'm sorry that my posts always looks so poorly done. Everything I type is through my phone because I do not have a laptop or a PC, and my phone is using Android Gingerbread operating system. Lmao. Actually I got a letter from Sprint in July telling me they are no longer going to cover my phone in November. Lol
Sorry again it just helps to talk to somebody anybody that actually listens. And thank you everyone for your support it really is helping
Last edited by Sorgan; 09/04/1503:50 PM. Reason: Fixing improper voice to text words
I will say however I don't know how much it means but she did say last night that we talk more now than we did before him. That was always a big problem with us I checked out and so did she eventually for a very long time.
I've been spending time with the kids a lot and taking them out to the park and things and yesterday she did join me. And actually managed to stay off her phone somewhat. Everyone had fun she seemed to enjoy herself although it did hurt me when she began talking to him again while we were at the park.
DW has a point, maybe I'm a little too abrasive. When I see posts like this last one it just makes me want to drive the point home.
There is SO much pain LBHs cause themselves by constantly temp checking, and trying to figure out if W might still return, what the chances are, whether R would still be possible, how that could still work, etc. But that is the opposite of detachment, and it causes us pain and stunts our growth.
Look at it like you're watching a sports game, and you bet $1,000,000 on the game. Now your team is losing, but there's still some time, and maybe they could make a comeback, but now the third quarter is ticking, but it's still possible, and every time your team gets the ball you get your hopes up on a comeback...this would be a STRESSFUL situation.
No suppose that same game you didn't be any money on, and not only that it was a game that you had recorded but hadn't watched yet, but you already heard your team had lost. Well, knowing the outcome, knowing you didn't bet on the game, you might still watch to see how it played out, but you wouldn't be nearly as concerned about it.
Not a perfect analogy, but my advice to newcomers is not to bet the farm on a game that is lost. Your emotional wellbeing is too much to gamble, particularly when she's already told you the game is over.
LRT is to preserve your wellbeing and maintain self-respect, GAL is to learn to take care of yourself and meet your needs elsewhere so you aren't dependent on someone that isn't there for you, 180s are so your life gets better, and DBing in general is so you can stay true to your belief of standing by your M, whether it looks salvageable or not.
When I was new I was desperate for people to encourage me to have hope based on every kind word my STBX uttered (which was probably out of guilt/manipulation 99% of the time)...but that didn't help me. I wish I'd have listened to the people that were telling me to let go and move forward. Maybe it's too soon still to hear this. I'm sorry guys. I feel the pain Sorgan. I do. I just want you to take care of yourself.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You mentioned low self-esteem, have you ever read how to have a healthy one? Ever had any counseling about your parents and other issues?
A healthy self-esteem needs to be one of your goals to work every day. The WW has no respect for a weak H, and every time you break down in front of her, you put yourself back to square one with her. This is of major importance. Find a group class, research the Internet, get counseling, whatever it takes.
Quote:
And while I am positive that did not help me. It did feel nice to be able to talk to my best friend even though she was high as a kite and probably not listening.
Your wayward wife is NOT your best friend! Get that part down. Make new friends, look up old friends, turn to us as friends.........but do NOT cry on your WW's sholder. There is only one person's feelings she cares about........and it is her own.
Do not tell her how bad you hurt, nor that you are glad she's happy (due to OOM). The more pathetic you sound, the more it turns her off. You have to learn a new way to live in day to day interaction with her. We can help you with that part.
WW's are tough and only respect a H who stands up for himself and who doesn't tolerate disrespect from her.
I have a small challenge, if you are up for it. Go for an entire week without saying you are sorry. Just try it and see.
Have you read the homework Cadet posted?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Zues, while you have some valid points and great analogies, your opinions are simply that, opinions.
Give the man Hope, give him a hand, don't tell him its all over because quite frankly YOU don't know that.
The OM can backaway, his wife can change ans see things differently through her program, etc., etc. Only GOD knows the outcome.
Have Faith and hope Sorgan. I KNOW THINGS WILL GET BETTER! Because we went through similar situations and I am a happier and more confident, independent because of all of this.
In the bible there are MANY verses on Faith, Hope and LOVE Which we all need when we are in this terrible situation, I am praying for you and your family Sorgan.
I understand you are saying Zeus. I know I shouldn't stress myself out over it. I should be here for MY love of the M, not stressing about whether I'm going to "win" the M. That actually is a great analogy.
I have read the first chapter Sandi,but haven't been able to pick up the full book yet(Is there a way to get it on the App Store? I saw two of Michele's books on there but not DR / DB ) Also I will try not to say sorry like you said. But you are refering to apologizing about the M only right? If it's something like messing up a food order or something, I should still apologize, correct?
And as far as counseling and the like, unfortunately I am not in a financial position to afford it right now. Although I would like to.
Actually my favorite bible verse is actually 1 Corinthians. I actually looked it up and am going to add it so I can see and read it as I post to help remind myself.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV)
Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy,it does not boast,it is not proud. It does not dishonor others,it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,always trusts,always hopes,always perseveres.
I don't pretend to know whether his M can be saved. My opinion is that emotionally clinging to that as the only acceptable outcome, with WAW finalizing a D equating to the end of the universe is crazy making, painful, and can make growth hard. And that letting go and moving on not only doesn't hurt the chances of rebuilding a new M, it helps it by allowing a return of confidence, personal growth, and serenity.
There's room for feedback from others, and I appreciate everyone for their contributions.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
We all feel for you Sorgan and want to help you get to your feet after the gut punch your wife just threw. Digest all these thoughts and see what feels right. I think that all the posts have value and their value is determined by where you are in the moment. Remember this is all about you and your evolution, not her.
) Also I will try not to say sorry like you said. But you are refering to apologizing about the M only right? If it's something like messing up a food order or something, I should still apologize, correct?