Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[dwh15]

V, I see your point but the problem is we have already tried communicating through S18 and occasionally S8, as he has a text app. There have been too many times where communication was misunderstood or just not relayed to me at all. I don't see any reason that 2 grown adults can't send a couple of TMs to coordinate schedules regarding kids. It only takes a minute. I don't need to get involved if she wants to know about their day, or the latest game they are into. But for exchanges, we should be able to discuss. I don't tell her about my life, and don't ask about hers. She sometimes gives me little bits of info, but I never inquire further.

Anyway, WW did take S10 and S8 shopping and they both came back happy with new school backpacks. She just dropped them in the driveway and left. About an hour after that, we had a huge storm roll through, lost power, and poor S18's bedroom in the basement got flooded. The power came back on after 3 hours, and I was able to suck up a lot of the water with a steam cleaner. Then I made dinner, and had to pack lunches and round up clothes for everyone to wear to 1st day of school tomorrow. Just an extremely busy night. It's times like that I really miss having WW around, just as another adult chipping in to help. But I made it, and now laying down to catch a few hours before the week starts. Gonna be a busy one. Still missing WW just a little but not terribly and I'm proud of myself that I made it through quite a messy day intact, and w/o her help. Now if I can survive this first week back to school, I'll be ready for anything.

[Vanilla]

I am not saying you communicate through your kids.

Absolutely the reverse in fact. I am saying S18 and S16 have an independent R with each of you. If there is serious admin direct to WW. Otherwise no discussion, let your two older boys R with their mum, if they don't then let go of it. not your concern. Admin is straight up, going X, bought Y, needs a wash behind the ears etc. that's it. Nothing to misinterpret. If its schedule online scheduler.

Cool as a cat, that's great.

You are an amazing dad, dwh, tremendous.

V

[dwh15]

Thanks V. I get your point. I think the real issue is that we only have a verbal agreement about time with kids and WW is unstable and unreliable. She likes to switch thing up last minute, and coordinate through S18. That kind of stuff should be going through me. I'm not sure there is any easy way of dealing with her on this stuff TBH. She sees everything through her own selfish lens and is never to blame, while I can't seem to do anything right.

I suspect nothing much will change until I officially file (I assume I'll probably be the one to do it), and we get a court-ordered agreement in place. Then I will hold her to the details. Given the way things are going now, there may not be much to dispute because I really don't see her getting more than a night or two per week with any of the kids. Over 6 months, she hasn't shown any real interest in having the kids more than 2-3x per week and that hardly ever includes an overnight. I'll continue logging this behavior and plan to show it to a judge when the time comes. It may be a wake-up call to her, but I want the kids to be with a parent who makes them the priority.

So all the kids made it through the first day with flying colors. WW checked on them briefly this afternoon and brought them a burger for an after school snack. She didn't stay long but it was nice she at least did that, and sent me a TM that they were fine. I'm spending some time with my brother right now, then home to make dinner and get the kids ready for day 2. Busy life as a single dad. But I wouldn't trade it.

[Vanilla]

I don't agree, you are the adult not your S18. When he starts to act as a go between, you say, "S, thank you for telling me this, it's not what I want from you as my S to act as a go between. Neither do I want to put you in the position of say so to your mum". In future it's ok to say "mum, please text dad" and "dad, can you contact mum by text".

She will see everything through her wayward lens.

Incidentally, I am so impressed by you.

V

[dwh15]

Well, almost as if to prove the point in my last post, I walk in from work and S18 hands me his cell. It's WW saying that she has to cancel plans with the kids tonight. Poor OM is sick and getting sent home from work. Don't ask me why that suddenly means WW can't still take kids but I didn't even argue. Just said thanks for letting me know.

Now she "might" be able to take them tomor night, but you know there's a chance she may be playing darts, so IF that doesn't work out, then she'll have them tomor night as a makeup. She's really on track for mother of the year. It put me in a bad mood having to deal with that right after getting home. And I'm actually glad to have the kids stay with me, but just dealing with WW and her messed up priorities is painful.

The more time goes on and more of this type of behavior I see, I really am starting to believe that I'm done. I haven't given up 100% yet, but I'm getting very close. Reading online about similar situations with a WW with years of history and multiple OM, the outcomes rarely turn out well. Usually there are several false R until the poor guy finally throws in the towel. My W has severe mental/emotional issues that are likely to take years of therapy to resolve. That's assuming that she ever reaches a point where she realizes that her problems are internal and is willing to do the work.

On top of that, I question whether I could ever truly trust her completely again. I would likely have to seek therapy myself to help cope with the betrayal and rebuild trust. I am starting to see what a long, difficult road it would be to R with WW. In an ideal world, I would love to be a family again. Just starting to doubt that it's really possible. I'll continue on with my plans for now, DBing my heart out (for me and kids, not for WW), and patiently waiting for some sign, any sign of WW waking up. But I'm more convinced every day that I will be filing some time soon in 2016.

So enough of that talk. It helped my mood just venting about it. Now I'm off to hit the gym, run a couple of miles, and grab some dinner for kids. Probably spend the night catching up on housework, as I'm sadly behind from the busy start to school. Good luck to my fellow DBers out there suffering tonight. I'll try to post on some other threads later.

[Vanilla]

Re text message from S phone to yours, then reply. Next time S re texts her texts to you.

Then print for your pack for L.

V

[dwh15]

Re text message from S phone to yours, then reply. Next time S re texts her texts to you.

Then print for your pack for L.

V

Thanks V. This wasn't a TM but an actual phone call. She called S18 for some reason instead of me, then I happened to walk in while they were talking and she asked to speak with me. It illustrates what I mentioned about coordinating with S18 though. I'm sure that if I had not walked in right at that moment, I would have just gotten the message from S18 about the change in plans. I guess I need to instruct him next time to tell mom that dad said if it's regarding scheduling that he was to be contacted directly.

[Vanilla]

It's possible this is to protect herself from being recorded or texts being saved.

It makes sense to WW.

V

[dwh15]

So I sent a TM to WW today to confirm plans with kids tonight. This is not a normal night for her, but makeup for missing last night. She was once again trying to coordinate through S18 and he let me know. I had no idea what time they were leaving, coming home, whether she was providing dinner, etc. So I fired off a TM and we got a little convo going. It was mostly about kids and how the week has been going but I snuck in a couple of jokes and got some "LOL" replies.

Felt good to be somewhat friendly. Probably not the best DBing but I'm doing my best to let her know I'm not trying to be her enemy. I realize I can't do that very often but it was nice to have that tiny connection for a few minutes. Now I'm off to my local clubhouse to enjoy some friends, beer, and the first night of NFL games. Should be a good time.

[Vanilla]

Great GAL news

Go for fun

V