waves

[mleigh4]

Thank you both so much, for your wisdom and support. I am calming down and feeling better.

Right now, I am thinking it is time to get all of his personal things together and in the garage. He can take it or leave it for now. As far as household items, it's time to go through and split up some things that he feels he is entitled to, then no more. The bigger items, like bed, and home decorations, can wait until we decide whether or not to end the M or not.

I would love to change the locks, but I need to be careful there. H still pays 1/2 the mortgage, so my common sense tells me that is not fair, unless decided legally.

As far as what option? I still flip day to day, sometimes I want him back, other days I don't. I am still very much in the gray area so that tells me I am not ready to file. I prefer to stay separated right now and keep riding this out....

My girlfriend just invited me over, the man above at work. I am going to enjoy my afternoon with good company.

Thank you again, you guys literally pull me back up and dust me off when I fall down. (Hugs)

[mleigh4]

Sent H this message tonight: Hope you guys had fun today. Hey, I was uncomfortable today and would like to talk to you about boundaries. For example, coming in and taking things as you need, you have been slowly moving out for 7 months. If you feel this living situation is going to continue, can we get together and figure out what belongs where? Just to give me peace of mind. Thanks and have a good night

No response, as I expected. If there is one thing I notice, it is that he does not want to face what is happening. In the meantime, I will continue to pack up the remainder of his clothes and personal items and place them in the garage until he takes them, or until I decide to drop them off for him.

This is 1/2 his house, but due to his own choices, this is no longer his home to rummage through. He owns 1/2 the equity and that is it.

[job]

Even though your h pays 1/2 the mortgage, it doesn't give him the right to come in and shop around and take whatever he wants when he wants it. Furniture, appliances, etc. are things that will need to be discussed...but when it come the drain cleaner and such items...well....your home is not the grocery store.

They don't want to have to spend money on necessities. They want their money for the fun stuff and look to "mom" and "old home" as to getting those necessities. Never mind that you left and have been gone for quite some time. Here are some examples of other things that my xh took, which weren't expensive...but he did take them: pencils, pens, sticky note pads, tape and furniture polish. These are things aren't expensive, but he thought he was entitled to them. Once I had packed up all of his personal item and he came and got them, I could then change the locks. Had I not changed the locks, he had planned to come to my home and remove the furniture while I was at work. How do I know this? His co-worker had left a message on the answering machine the day the locks were changed telling my xh to call and give him a time to show up. So, you can't trust them, no matter what they say.

Good luck setting boundaries...he may or may not adhere to them, but it's time to have a talk about it since this is not the first time he's been shopping in your home.

[haunted]

Thank you both so much, for your wisdom and support. I am calming down and feeling better.

Right now, I am thinking it is time to get all of his personal things together and in the garage. He can take it or leave it for now. As far as household items, it's time to go through and split up some things that he feels he is entitled to, then no more. The bigger items, like bed, and home decorations, can wait until we decide whether or not to end the M or not.

I would love to change the locks, but I need to be careful there. H still pays 1/2 the mortgage, so my common sense tells me that is not fair, unless decided legally.

As far as what option? I still flip day to day, sometimes I want him back, other days I don't. I am still very much in the gray area so that tells me I am not ready to file. I prefer to stay separated right now and keep riding this out....

My girlfriend just invited me over, the man above at work. I am going to enjoy my afternoon with good company.

Thank you again, you guys literally pull me back up and dust me off when I fall down. (Hugs)

It is such a hard decision to make about whether to want him back or not. I flip flop between the two. I just don't know how much I can take.

How was your afternoon? Hope you were able to relax a bit.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. Based on H past ignoring of my request to have him get the remainder of his things and split others, I am guessing this request will also be ignored. I think in his mind, he will not be told what to do or when, especially when it comes to this house. It shows in the way he walks in without knocking...

Wasn't there a movie where the ex H kept just walking into the house unannounced until the new boyfriend grabbed him one day, threw him out, and told him to knock next time? Lol. Nice visual.

Anyway, I need to figure out how to stand my ground with most likely no cooperation from H on this. I can start by separating his personal things and putting them all together in one spot, like I planned. We get free legal advice through my company benefits, I will call and find out my rights on changing the locks. I also can stand my ground and just say no when he tries to take something. If none of that works for me, I will have to look into legal options. I am tired of dealing with his teenage rebellious mentality...why WOULDNT he just want to get his things already?? Because it keeps his ties to the house maybe?....

Job, the things your husband took, I so relate to. I had noticed the other day H took some paper plates from my cabinet. It is crazy that they do that, just so off the wall. The liquid plumber was the last straw for me. I hid it!!

[mleigh4]

BTW, I am using my lunch break to go get dog and bring her home. His place is not good for a dog to sit in 100 degree heat. I also am going to take pictures for future reference, there is no shade. He has security cameras everywhere and will probably flip when he sees this. But I will text him to let him know I have her.

Did I tell you guys, he put security cameras in his house , that he showed me the kitchen view while we were on vacation? Paranoid much?

[mleigh4]

Something got through, H just brought dog home on his way to drop off S at school.

[LoisB]

Mleigh,

Does he smoke grass? It would explain the paranoia.

[job]

Well, I have to say that he's following the script pretty much. They do become paranoid and think that we are "stalking" them or monitoring their every move. Maybe he thinks that you or someone that knows the two of you comes out to his place. Then again, he may have put the cameras in the house because of the landlord coming there and he thinks the landlord is going through is stuff. One can never tell what these crisis people are thinking.

I do find it funny that he's brought the dog back after all of that stuff he said the other day. At least she's home safe and sound and in a cooler environment.

[mleigh4]

H used to smoke a long time ago, I don't think he does anymore. I am very familiar with the signs and smells of pot smoking, my mom has since I was born, I grew up with it. I am not sure what the camera thing is about, it could be because the landlord has been having a handyman do upgrades in the house ever since H moved in. I know without a doubt that must drive H crazy. However, it creeps me out.

Job, I am so happy that dog is home and sleeping soundly next to me now in the cool house. These heat waves are killing us in Cali! And yes, it is amusing he did that after all that drama yesterday. I have a feeling S may have something to do with that. He loves our fur babies and wants what is best for them as I do, he also speaks up lately. He learns from me

The best news is that I have no need for contact with H for an entire week now. This gives me some time to think on how I can follow through on this boundary of not treating my home like a store. I am very serious about this and I know I need to stick by it. Each time he takes something, it's another slap in the face for me. It's unkind and disrespectful, considering the situation.

It might be nice to be able to just let him take these stupid little things, I sometimes wonder after if I should have just let it go.....But I feel I have been pretty lenient on many things. I don't think it is asking too much for him to decide what else he needs at this time and leave the rest to be. Seems fair to me. Now, time to follow through.