Flailing

[Zues126]

It was always so hard to be alone when he was on the road, but I did it because I knew in my heart, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I wasn't really alone. We had each other and he would always return to me.

I know this exact feeling. You described it as well as words can.

The thing is this feeling isn't because H left. This is good news, as this is out of your control. If you felt this way because of H you would be unable to change anything.

There is another reason you feel this way. So let me ask...relationship aside, why might you feel alone?

[Pyrite]

Is it hope destroying me or the death of my M?

I would day definitely hope - although this is stretched. sorta like guns dont kill people, people do. no they dont it is the bullet that kills them. or more accurately the loss of blood or shattered organs etc.


point is this:

The death of the M is simply that. To your H, my W, it is a great day. So how can the same thing be great and destructive. It can't. Your perception of the same event differs from that of your H.

Everything you feel about this "event", or anything for that matter, even all the love you felt for your H came from you. Your perception. Your interpretation. Your feelings.

I'm not going to suggest to you that you control your feelings. This can be done, is being done, and can be achieved to various degrees of success with different flavours i guess. ALL I will suggest is that you at least be mindful that these feelings are yours. You can control them and only you. You can choose to let the good ones linger and kick out the bad ones.

Yes, this is overwhelming and you're right it is the worst thing happen in a lifetime, and if anything is going to spin you out of control it is going to be this "event". I guarantee you in 12 months you will be in an entirely different place than you are now. The "event" has been set in stone, that hasn't changed. So what did? Obviously you, time passed, etc.

Avoid such nihilistic language to describe this event, your future. It feels like WAS have "destroyed", "forever". But honestly, hang in there sweetheart. It is more like "made things very difficult", "for a while". Eventually it will be like "changed","at some point".


OK - back to hope. While you have hope for a desired outcome, you are holding on to that desired outcome via the rope that ties you to him and this situation. you can't NOT have expectations of his short term behaviour, that lead towards this outcome.

hope is fine and a good thing to have but hope for happiness, not something which (you think) will bring you happiness.

-Py

[Azzork]

Lost -
My recommendation for your goals today:
- One big hug from each kid
- 10 consecutive seconds not thinking of H
- One genuine smile or laugh

You can do it.

[stacey9]

Lost - I read your last post this morning and have been thinking about you all day. I hope you're ok, please post and let us know.

I know the way you are feeling - we all do. I remember the dark days and the physical pain that wouldn't go away day or night. But things do get better. It has taken me a year and a half to get to a happier place. I still have days where I am down and depressed but I think that's normal. But I've never given up hope that one day he will regret his decision and realise that the OW isn't so perfect after all.

Your H may regret his decisions too. Its still early days.

I think we can never lose hope, but we can't put our lives on hold. It's hard I know, but trust me it does get easier.

And you are not alone.

Please take care x

[Butterc]

Lost,

You give me hope... You are not alone. I'm in the water with you. I relate to your post so much.

Another newcomer. First post/ am I even doing this right?

[Cadet]

Lost,

You give me hope... You are not alone. I'm in the water with you. I relate to your post so much.

Another newcomer. First post/ am I even doing this right?

I would suggest you start your own thread.

[Lost08]

Despite the millions of tiny knives thru my heart, I am still breathing. Still opening my eyes in the morning. Still getting dressed and trying to act as if my skin has not been turned inside out.

I am so raw. I find it painful to see other people and talk to them.

I am hesitant to post for so many reasons, not the least of which is I don't want to expose others to my despair when, really, everyone in this forum is looking for support and encouragement, hope for happiness and to know they will get thru this and be ok. What good would it do for someone to read of this dark, painful place in which I find myself stuck?

And, yet, selfishly, here I am. Again. Posting. And crying. And writing, asking for your support.

I fell overboard the other night and haven't found my way out of the water. The swells are just enormous.

I think part of it was the way H told me of the extension for this trip. He alluded to it when I got home from work that day. I asked him how his day was. He made an unpleasant face and said "Work was work." Very vague comment from him seeing how he usually has some stories he likes to share. NOT sharpening my DB skills, I asked him what he meant to which he replied "Not good. It's not good but we're not going to talk about it now. It's a conversation for another time."

And he left me hanging. All thru dinner and a 4 hour baseball game with the kids.

Now, for me, this was an exact replay of how H dropped the A bomb. He had returned from out of country, acted very cold and aloof and almost as if he was angry with me for 3 days. Denied being angry. But made vague comments like "I can't talk to you about this now." "I'm going to bed. I'll tell you tomorrow." etc. For 3 days. THEN he told me he was in love with someone else.

So, I crashed. Hard. Unable to get my footing. Unable to get my panic/anxiety under control while waiting for the newest bomb. Clearly not detached.

And it just knocked me overboard.

And while flailing in the water, I must have been trying to drown myself because then I spoke to H about our R. Talk about sabotage. What happened to detach, act friendly, avoid all R talk? Forget backsliding. I completely fell off the side of the cliff and let him see my hurt, see me crying. NOT begging or pleading or pledging my love. NOT asking to save our marriage. BUT hurt and confused and admitting I have images of him and OW in my head that I'm trying to ignore like her picking him up at the airport and blah blah blah.

H admitted to being happy to return to other country. Said there's a tension and awkwardness between us now. REALLY???

I acknowledged and agreed that there is an awkwardness. It is awkward to pass each other in the hall and turn so as not to accidentally brush against one another. It's awkward to sleep in the same bed with him naked and blocked in by pillow and blankets. It is awkward not to kiss hello or good-bye or hold hands or touch one another's arm. Things that used to be so natural. I told him I don't know how to make that go away. I told him I heard him clearly when he said he doesn't want me anymore since everything happened (- meaning his A; pretty much his exact words)and I was trying to respect his boundaries.

H was a little emotional. Tears. Saying he didn't mean to leave the trip hanging over my head. He said "This really [censored]. I've been enjoying the last couple of days and selfishly I didn't want to wreck it even though I know it's all going to be wrecked."

H said he thinks things have been really nice lately. He said he's been enjoying the early dinners and the cleaner house and he knows I've been doing most of it. He said he's been enjoying having me up so early in the morning. That's never happened in our R. I've always been the night person, H the morning person. Now I barely sleep and I'm always up by 4:30/5am.

I told him how confusing it is to hear him constantly refer to our future in the new apartment and say "we" and "us" all the time while he's having a R and a building a brand new life in another country.

At first he said he does it around the kids. Then he said "I do say "we" a lot. And left it at that.

I apologized for any talk of our R. Admitted I was just overwhelmed with it all. I told him I don't want things to be even more tense or awkward and hoped I hadn't done that. H said not to apologize. That I have nothing to be sorry for. That he deserves anything I have to say. He asked for a hug, which I gave.

Friday night and Saturday I tried to go back to the drawing board and put on my friendly roommate mask. For the most part, I'm keeping it up. Trying to joke now and then with H. He's not sure what to make of my ribbing him.

The mask slips at times and the constant feeling that I need to vomit doesn't help.

We move our things tomorrow. Not sure what H will bring seeing as he'll only be there for 2 weeks but I think the kids are excited. They really don't know what's going on yet.

[Lost08]

Azzork,

TY for such clear goals. I cannot seem to make goals yet. It means so much to see it spelled out so clearly.

[Lost08]

Zues,

what a loaded question. Why do I feel alone? Because I am. H is walking in now, I have to run and this is such a lengthy answer. I'll try to post later.

[Lost08]

Py, TY xo