Ghost Riding

[Zues126]

I'm not sure if you mean that you think I'm going to date too soon or whether you are just saying it won't happen that quickly.

As for kissing a lot of frogs, please realize I've had a different experience. I've only dated two women. One I was with for 5 years until she left. The other I was M to for 10 years.

I meant that it won't happen that quickly. I know you've had an unusual experience and that's exactly why I brought it up. It just doesn't happen that way for most people. Maybe you'll just get really lucky and Ms Soul Mate will show up immediately, but.....what I'm concerned about, hon (I'm Southern, I'm allowed), is that you won't have the patience to date and learn from a few frogs. You can think through and write down exactly what you want in a woman, but they rarely come packaged as neatly as that. I want to see you head over heels with some live woman who almost meets your expectation, but maybe not quite. Then what are you going to do?

I have a very specific goal in mind for my first real bf after the D. He's going to be younger than me by a good 10 years, have a lot of free time, and I'm not going to M him.

Funny. Yeah, we're a little different here. But I'm glad you know what you want!

Largely fantasy on my behalf, but a good one. I'm not backing off it just yet. I have been very frustrated and anxious this week, and, well......this seems very appealing right now. I'm sure at some point my brain will kick back in.

Thanks for the update on the legal D. Sorry its not going well.

Two weeks ago, STBX was talking about the possibility of structuring the D finances so that I didn't have to go back to work. Now that a L has hold of it, I'm not making full employment potential of my education and experience and I should be bringing in a lot more $$ that the jobs I'm currently applying for. This process [censored].

Don't worry Sunny, I am incapable of ever falling head over heels for a woman again. It would be easier for a grassy field to fall in love with a riding lawn mower

Seriously, yes, the D process stinks. It's a weird universe with different laws of physics, and what you think, feel, and care about ceases to matter. The same apathy with which a warehouse employee throws boxes into the back of a u-haul, that's the way lives are torn apart through the court process. Collaborative L, cooperative H, fine and dandy...but my IC says it's all a joke, and that 100% of people say that's how it will go, but 90% of the time it's a free fall by the end and everything just gets ripped apart and people just slam stuff until it's over and the two parties resent each other for years or forever.

But let's just keep upping that divorce rate, have WAS's post more inspirational pictures on facebook about how they are growing in so many ways, and showing our kids that if your partner doesn't complete you then it's time to find someone that does.

I think my next R will be with an alligator.

[Zues126]

Hey Zues - I just read your D status update and I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about it. I can tell you are really frustrated with the process. This is just a tid bit of info but during our last mediation my L brought up determining a date of asset valuation, i.e. the date of D filing. On this date the status of assets or income, bank account total, etc is what everything is based on. So if you go by filing date then it doesn't matter that you are making 200% more now, it would be based on what you had on that date, make sense? Something to maybe ask your L about? If she ever gets back to you.

This would be awesome. I just emailed my L and asked. Our date was 6/30...established in mediation. So if mediation fails then maybe that would be thrown out.

Again- my L knows this is my number 2 priority behind parenting time. I feel I shouldn't have to ask this question, she should be telling me! Face in palm.

[asitis]

I am not going to date anytime soon. I do think I've thought a lot about this. I think the reason why is because outside of an R I feel perfectly normal. My kids are good, my job is awesome, I love my friends, I have interesting passions, and even some time to read and play some chess now and then. The only part of my world that I've ever had trouble with is my M, so I am spending a lot of time thinking about what went wrong, what I'd do differently, etc. It's like I'm trying to grow and the measuring stick is whether I could pull off being a good husband, not so much that I want that immediately.

As for kissing a lot of frogs, please realize I've had a different experience. I've only dated two women. One I was with for 5 years until she left. The other I was M to for 10 years.

No, the idea of dating a lot of frogs doesn't sound appealing. I'm only interested in a long term committed relationship. If that's not out there then I'll just rock it solo.

Not that you should be worrying about this right now, but nothing wrong with going out with people as friends and seeing where it goes. Don't think of it as dating, but rather as friending. Hey, there is a movie I want to see and I'd like someone to see it with and talk about it after. Thought of you. Interested? Go have fun. Not sexual. Not a relationship, unless it turns into that. Just GAL.

Anyway, I understand the wanting a committed R. I truly do. But w/ kids, I know that finding that person is going to be a challenge. In the meantime, I still want a life outside of that with friends. Maybe my socialization, but I just never have felt comfortable asking my male acquaintances, "hey, you wanna catch Straight Outta Compton this weekend w/ me?"

A lot of people just want someone to go do things with rather than sitting at home. It doesn't have to be a date with all those implications. In a lot of European countries (I'm thinking esp. of the Scandinavian countries that I have friends from), you see a lot more true male-female friendships (go have a beer, catch a movie) even among married people. We tend to get hung up on having it all be part of an R if it is male-female. Not everyone, but that seems to be just more common. You can't ask someone to go do something without it being a date. A lot of fun and just human connection gets missed out on if that's the case IMHO.

Now, I happen to be w/ Sunny on this one. I have no intention of marrying the next person I date. You don't know if that intention will turn into reality or you will get a surprise, but then you don't know if the intention of getting into a long-term committed R will turn out that way either. I would have never have M my W if I had not started out thinking of it as a friendship with someone who turned out to have an interest in me as more than friends. I did too, I just didn't recognize it at first (we worked together & I really enjoyed her friendship and didn't want to mess that up to even allow myself to think of more - although I always noticed that she had a really nice a$$).

I can imagine dating already. I even have run into some women (fortunately or not who are obscenely too young for me, at least that's how I see it) who I am very attracted to both as friends and sexually. I just can't imagine dating being anything other than an uncomfortable mess right now.

So, we give it time, and we deal with what is in front of us right now. That's more than enough to deal with. So for now, I'll just handle the sexual attraction, but I'm still going to consider going out as friends so that I can go to the symphony or a movie and know they share that interest.

[Zues126]

Can't sleep. Woke up in a lot of mental anguish. It doesn't feel mental though. It feels physical. Like a tumor in the middle of my stomach. Just need to get some of this out of my system.

First off, let me explain. I'm not like all of you. I'm just not. I'm not better, I'm not worse, but I am god d-mn sure different. I have the same parts, I can blend in during social situations, and I can function at high levels. But I'm practically an alien. I have fire in my belly that burns like the sun. I am extremely sensitive. And I have this belief that what we do with our time here is really important, and because of that I feel an incredible sense of pressure to do the best I can, and to do it right. I have a near impossible time accepting a sloppy life that is pissed away. I am not easy to live with as I am different, but I can provide loyalty, commitment, sensitivity, security, and the status of being my top priority in my life. Maybe that's good enough for someone. Maybe not.

I don't have women friends. It doesn't work for me. I only have room for one woman in my life. I don't want to 'kiss a bunch of frogs'. I don't think of woman as some type of merchandise in a catalog in which I'm going to try a lot on and see which style I like. I think it's all a big joke. Right now I have the perception that 99.9% of the people out there are living unintentionally, breaking vows and degrading the purity of a loving and committed relationship.

I want nothing to do with any of it. I'm not trying to convince any of you this is the correct way to live or be, I am not on your threads advising this. But this is absolutely who I am, and this isn't going to change. I might be single for the rest of my life, and I'd prefer that than being around someone that doesn't feel the same as me on this one. Because to me the idea of trying to find the 'right' partner is about as silly as if you were planning on sailing across the Atlantic Ocean and waiting for a 'sunny day' to set sail. The voyage will take months, the weather will change and get stormy, the ship will be tossed and turned, so if a few clouds at the onset scare you off don't even bother going. What matters is not what the initial forecast looks like, but that you have a crew that knows what lies ahead and is committed to make it across or die trying. I have that commitment. Most people are half a$$. That's it. Like my L that still hasn't gotten back to me. This is the world we live in.

I am extremely introverted. No one sees this because I am on center stage a lot, running through tournaments, winning awards at work. I was the 'man on campus' in my management role, the entire department came to me for guidance, and I had many bonds formed. I currently work with a few hundred people and have no problem moving through the masses and shaking hands and kissing babies. But my inner self...this is reserved for me and one other person. It is the most precious part of me, something I don't share with everyone. And I'm only willing to share it with someone that understands how precious it is.

These forums have opened my eyes to the reality of how people treat each other. I see posters that registered in 2004 that have been BD'd multiple times, who's spouse cheats on them repeatedly. I am not going to put up with that. It's absolutely not ok. You know by now I'm all for standing for M, but there is a big line crossed with adultery that defiles the M. It is so destructive that it cannot be tolerated. I'm not suggesting that everyone should automatically file D and never look back. But I cannot live a life where I am betrayed repeatedly. Either I find ONE partner who wants ONE partner in return, who is committed, who values the M as much as I...or I will play solo, raise my kids, set records at work, and have fun with my few close male friends that I love and respect.

I do have plenty of my own growth to do, on my own. I am still angry about this betrayal. I am angry that STBX would make this decision. I am angry that society endorses these attitudes. I am angry that I don't get to live full time with my children, and that STBX is so warped she can't see past superficial problems and understand I was her gift from God. But while I believe these are truly horrible tragedies, it would be equally horrible for me to not be able to let go of my anger. So that is what my journey is about. Reducing my sensitivity, easing my pain, so in turn I can relax my anger...without degrading my beliefs and standards that drive me and make me who I am.

[SunnyB]

Zues, there are so many conversations I'd love to have with you because I can't adequately address them in a post. So I'll just say, for now anyway, that I feel your intensity and pain. And I hope you get some relief from that this weekend. I hope you have some lovely plans.

[Zues126]

Thanks Sunny. I feel better having that out on virtual paper. I appreciate you guys reading these long posts. Check in with you later!

[SunnyB]

Zues, I've read back over your post a couple more times, and I can't help but feel you've entirely missed my point about "kissing frogs". And I am apparently incapable of explaining it adequately in writing. So be it. That's not even the important point. The immediate thing to deal with is your anger. It's fine to be angry, it's destructive to live with it every day and let it eat you from the inside out. Clearly, you know this. I just want to wish you luck in your journey.

[Zelda09]

I get it, Zeus. I carry a lot of the same anger and dread of meeting the next partner that'll run through my life shallow and destroying everything I thought we worked for.

Maybe you weren't God's gift to her, in the end, or in her mind. But, I think that whether you believe in marriage as sacred in a religious sense, or profound in the promise (aside from religion) - as long as the person that you made that promise to is willing to do anything in their power to work on the relationship, it's absolute chit to shrug and walk away.

I think we're all with you on the frustration that society seems to say more and more that M is just as easy as any other R to break up from when it's not 'working' for someone anymore.

How does that sayings go? Nothing will work unless you do.

I know that in time we'll all get a little less bitter, but it's not a bad thing to be honest about it and to truly feel it, not try to sweep it away or pretend it's not there.

Can you say you have a goal where your anger is concerned? When will you know it is destructive and no longer helpful to you? In the future someday, how do you hope to be able to regard this stage of your life, when it isn't raw?

[Zues126]

Zues, I've read back over your post a couple more times, and I can't help but feel you've entirely missed my point about "kissing frogs". And I am apparently incapable of explaining it adequately in writing. So be it. That's not even the important point. The immediate thing to deal with is your anger. It's fine to be angry, it's destructive to live with it every day and let it eat you from the inside out. Clearly, you know this. I just want to wish you luck in your journey.

Sorry Sunny, I know it's frustrating to be misunderstood and have your words twisted. I'm apologizing because I know I'm so wound up about this I'm sure I'm misinterpreting this and going off the deep end. I'll settle down and reread what you're posting. Thanks for being patient.

Zelda, as for my plan of dealing with my anger, it basically has two parts.

Things I'm angry about that I can control: This I can deal with. Anger can be a healthy motivator for me, it's what drives me to pull my crap together, get things done, and being the person I want to be. All of that can be a good thing. That said, of course I don't want to make it sound like I want to be walking around constantly irate. That isn't the case. I think for the most part I can be pretty centered emotionally, and just fire up the burners when I catch myself going off track. In the past I was abusive towards myself, the last few years I'm trying to do the 'steering' without the 'beating' and I've been doing much better. So I guess I could replace the word 'anger' with the word 'passion'. It's a process that I am continuing to be aware of.

Things I'm angry about that I can't control: I am using this as a compass to show me where I need to grow. There is not much good in my mind that comes from being angry about things outside of myself. STBX, society, or the migration patterns of the birds overhead. Instead of sweeping this under the rug though I am validating my emotions, but equally trying to understand what it is about the world being the way it is that triggers me. It doesn't take much detective work to realize that my anger is triggered from fear and insecurity. For example, taking personal offense to society's lax view on commitment could indicate that I'm not secure with who I am by myself, that I feel I need someone else to be ok, and that without the aid of societal pressure on my partner they won't stay by my side...and that touches on my own insecurities which is already a sensitive spot as I push myself so ruthlessly and already struggle with feelings of disdain for myself at times. To conclude I know it is easier to be angry at the world than to deal with my own problems, so when I find myself being angry at the outside world I know it is time to take a look in the mirror and start dealing with my way of thinking.

This is just a rough plan obviously because I'm actually supposed to be working, just wanted to reply and let you all know I appreciate the help. You have all been very supportive while still challenging me to keep on the right path. What's really awesome is that as you get to know me over the months it has been even more beneficial, as you can recognize patterns and I feel genuine compassion from the feedback. Thank you all and peace to you.

[SunnyB]

Sorry Sunny, I know it's frustrating to be misunderstood and have your words twisted. I'm apologizing because I know I'm so wound up about this I'm sure I'm misinterpreting this and going off the deep end. I'll settle down and reread what you're posting. Thanks for being patient

That's really sweet, Zues, thanks for saying it. But it's totally not necessary. I'd much rather you have a fun relaxing start to your weekend than read my old posts. Any plans?