HeavyD, you say maybe I'll grow, but you already have grown. You are already stronger & capable of being a partner to anyone. Raise your kids w/ your W, but seek your own path. If W deals w/ her issues & returns, you'll deal with it with the same solid, loving nature we've all seen demonstrated in your posts. right now, you (and I) won't get the loving presence we want and deserve in our Ws. We can support them so that they can be good mothers and co-parents to our kids, but the day is done when we can support them as spouse. Someday, we hope they can become friend, lover, and spouse again, but that is beyond our control.
I think that you are really getting to a healthy place, and I'm very, very happy for you.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
A bit of weirdness, she texted Saturday and asked our S to tell her what her car license tag number was/is. The only reason I could think would prompt her for that was for a hotel. I knew she was away for the weekend. I ignored the text.
Friday night was rough - long day for the kids and around 8:30 my S10 starts to cry saying he misses W. I sat down with him, held him and said "yes, I miss her too, and I know this is hard." I said "We want Mom to be happy right?" "She is doing what makes her happy and her apartment is really cool right?" He said "Yes, but her being happy makes me suffer." I just held him and said "You know what, we will get through this, and we are going to be OK". You know that right? He then calls W and leaves a tearful message on her phone.
Of course, his trears trigger D6 to start crying and I had the same convo with her and then we started to read some books to distract her. She finally fell asleep with me rubbing her back. So, hard Friday night.
After that false start, we had a good weekend with a lot of GAL, cookout with two families in our backyard, I grilled hamburgers and hotdogs. Movie with a friend her her son. I arranged for a sleep over with my son with his friend which he loved. My D6 and I had special time and we watched a movie, and read books and giggled a lot. She really loved the one on one attention. And we had first day of soccer practice for both S10 and D6. That was fun but hot. Church and Sunday school was good too.
Monday, back to school and work for me. I took the kids to Doctor's appointment which was hard for S6 who cried hard at the thought of a shot/finger stick. So for now, I see the routine of 1). Work, no kid week, and 2). Work with kid week.
This kid free weekend, I have an adult birthday party lined up with a new friend. I have a dinner lined up midweek with another friend. I have replaced 5 screens at the house and have painted the front stoop and a few areas that needed it. I have worked in the garden, shoveled dirt, raked dead grass, everything I could think of to stay busy.
What I need more of is adult interaction/conversation. I am working on it, again, smiling a lot, talking to strangers, going outside of my comfort zone, like the SPIN class at the Y. I have joined a couple of online dating sites, but still the prospects of dating seem well, forced. More than anything I would like a friend. I am so very lonely.
Am I feeling any better about all of this crap ola? Mornings are still very hard. As soon as I wake up, it hits me, ahhh yes, I am still here and this is still reality. So, I get up as soon as I can and start doing something, anything to stay busy.
Hi Heavy, good to hear from you. I almost posted a 'how're ya doing' message last night as I noticed you hadn't been around for a few days.
That's hard with the kids being so upset. But it was good that they could be honest and let their grief out with you. All you can do is be there for them, and let them see that you are moving forward through the pain to a happier place.
As for the GAL - from what I read, you seem to do quite a few things - but if you feel lonely, there is always room to build in some further stuff. I would treat the dating sites with caution though - although if you have a 'just looking for friends' approach and are clear about that, I think that's okay. But moving into dating because you feel lonely isn't a good plan IMHO. For now it may be best to focus on building new friendships, social plans and connecting with others in a non-romantic way.
What I did like is that your post was almost all about you and your life, which is a good thing.
Take care Heavy xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes, I took a break from the board for a while to just clear my head. I am sick of thinking about all of this, you know?
I am still just doing my thing, trying to be the best I can be and be the best Mom I can be and the best employee I can be and the best friend I can be, etc...
It is still hard and again having to relearn so much of what I took for granted, cooking blanaced meals, picking out clothes from the store, knowing kids sizes, homework, and everything that goes with raising two wonderful kids who deserve so much more and do not deserve to have to go through this emotional pain.
I have good days and some bad days but at least I am having some good days. I struggle with feeling hopeless and have lost the joy in my life. I recognize this as depression and get help for it but I KNOW that God has a plan that I just can't see yet. I KNOW there is a good life for me and the kids but I just can't fully grasp it yet.
We are living our lives fully, and I am not waiting until I find the joy to "live". We are living regardless. I hope that makes sense. I am trying hard to shake the feeling of hopelessness and living without joy.
I did have a talk with one of my other D friends who went through a similar experience. Her W had an affair, lied about it, was confronted and was very devious.
My friend immediately filed for D hoping that would shock her out of her A but it just got her divorced. They have been divorced for about 5 years now, the exW now lives with the AP but has confessed to my friend she is not happy. She has asked to come back several times but my friend says no to reconcilliation.
Her advice to me - stop wallowing, and get the hell out of there (marriage wise). She said give up honey, everyone thinks their W will come back. She said she wished she had done that a lot sooner and it would have saved her some pain. She too thought that her W would wake up and recommit to the marriage. They had a young D at the time. Sadly it did not happen that way.
So, I did not share I was part of this board, but did say I was in pain and in the middle of an unwanted D. I do not agree with her assessment of how she handled her situation but that is none of my business.
The conversation left me feeling deflated but her situation is not my situation and I just don't know how things will turn out.
I recieved the same advice .. multiple times. I think for many betrayed spouses the hind sight is "Should have cut my losses and moved on from day one" .... can not fault them for that .. their feelings are their feelings, I think looking back I wasted a solid year of energy spent on W, her A, and OM and would very well indeed have been better off without that.... but I think if we LBS's were able to do that so easy we might just be the WAS in reality.
There is nothing wrong nor weak about someone who stands and tries to fight for their marriage ... and if you can do that WHILE discovering yourself, growing, coming to grips with some hard truths ... the journey will be worth it regardless.
I agree it would be easier to toss in the towel and let the M go, note I said easier .. I do not believe its the right thing to do, nor could I after 25 years look at myself the way I wanted to without at the least trying.
Always good to hear from you. How many people must say that on these boards. You support so many with your patience and wise words.
I know, as my friend was telling me about her story, I just listened. If I did not have the board and the wise members here, I would have totally agreed with her. But I just let her talk and said how hard that must have been. She still misses her wife and her entact family even though they both have new partners now. I could hear it in her voice and she cried about it.
Well said about coming to truth about hard realities. Yes, that is exactly what this experience is all about. I know in my heart what we had, the love we shared, the family we created was real. I know that she knows that as well, regardless of what she says and how she acts.
I am just again, doing my thing and "trying" to stay ahead of it all. Our communication is minimal and cold and the whole text about "ask our S10 what my licesne plate number is" was just plain screwed up.
I love my kids and am keeping it together for them. I work my projects, step out of my comfort zone as much as I can and work the plan. Have I seen any success? With me, yes, with her no, with our relationship no.
I ran across a photo album last night from a few years ago, I peeked in and my W was so youthful and slim and beautiful in those photos. She has aged so much in such a short time. Maybe I have too, but my God, it was shocking to see the transformation in just a few short years. It is like the picture of Dorian Gray, like a metaphor of all the crap that she is involved in now. I can literally "see" what is happening with her and am powerless to stop any of it.
Yes, the path of least resistance is always the easy one but not necessarily the right one.
I'm sorry your struggling with the path ahead. You obviously know it isn't just about your M but setting the stage for a good co-parenting R for your kids and the two of you who will either make getting along in that R easy or hell. And, you do never know. And, you've heard the advice that as long as she is in the A, not much is going to shock her into changing course. That is going to take her going down that path and seeing where it leads her.
I suspect that your insight into the change between the photo and now may be one of the contributing factors to the M problems and the A. If she has been feeling like she is losing her youth & looks, and that you haven't been giving her the things she wanted, having OM come along and making her feel attractive and desirable, and the giddy feelings that she remembers feeling at the beginnings of the Rs of her youth, are a powerful drug.
As with any drug, only the addict can choose to kick the habit. You've fired your shot across her bow. You've taken away some of the excitement of the A being a hidden conspiracy. Do you want to push the D forward fast, or do you want to let it drag so that she can see where the A is going and maybe start seeing things in a different way? Do you think you never can trust her again, and are you sure of that? It seems like you haven't entirely made up your mind even though at times you have sounded pretty firm.
Hang in there. You've been doing a lot right, and you are being great w/ your kids through this. I know it is hard to watch them struggle, but you are really standing up and showing them what it means to be a dad. And while I'm sure you feel at times like you are flailing and struggling, I hope that I can handle things as well as you are if I ever get into the position you are in.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I always told my W how much I loved her and we did weight watchers together and just got back from a lovely trip to Hawaii. At least I was very happy and told her that often. I always told her how proud I was of her job wise and that she was the prettiest girl in the room. I have no idea how she felt that I did not love her or notice her or appreciate her.
I have no idea why she would choose someone who is so unsuitable and unavailable for her AP. It just does not make any sense to me. Maybe that is why I am so hung up on it. All of a sudden she wants to be with someone who who is my polar opposite, and has not left her family.
It's like she just snapped and said I don't want this anymore. Who cares about the consequences, it's over and I am in love with AP. You can either submit to this open marriage or if not I choose her and here's how it's going to be. Of course I balked and out the door she went. She claims she will never be happy again and this is not what she wanted.
Thanks for your kind words about how I am handling this terrible situation stalemate. I have no clue what else to do other than just wait it out and continue to do my thing.
In my mind, there is only 1 inevitable conclusion to her AP relationship but that still might not wake her up. She may just be tired of playing house. Who knows.
All I can do is choose my battles and to walk my path. Let's see what I will learn from this experience. Bottom line, she has zero respect for me.
