L agrees with you too! Not sure if divorce busting is giving me false hope. I'm just being thick headed thinking we can work on it. When I actually talk to my husband about relationship I feel some hope, but i could just be in denial. When I saw his mom she hugged me and told me she loves me looking as if she wants to cry and I realized it's because she know her son does not want to reconcile. It's frustrating because I know if we were not living with relatives we would have been able to work it out and it would not have been so easy for him to just pack up and leave. Had 2nd talk with coach yesterday and will post about later. (We are allowed to on the forums right?)
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Divorce busting is for you to grow and learn. If you let go of the outcome with WH, this is for you. If what you are doing isn't working for you then change it.
I am pleased you have L, very relieved in fact that you have some great support IRL.
Please stop mind reading, it's not helping you. Detach and work on you for you.
There is no reason why you can't discuss your coach, some posters find it helpful to do so, others mull for a while.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/31/1511:29 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am lucky that I have great support. I have a best friend that instinctually gets the whole DB philosphy of never pursuing etc. She even advises me on what it is I want (reconciliation) and what I'm doing wrong, and then on what she thinks is best (to move on) . My problem is that I can analyze and understand what I should and should not be doing, but I can't seem to control myself emotionally.
The DB coach was very calming. She told me she feels that my husband is struggling because he still feels connected. She does not feel that my outburst was unrepairable. But told me I absolutely have to stop the pursuing behaviors because it just creates resistance. ( I know this but then it's like this intense anxiety takes over) she said I have to avoid letting fear take over. She said fear will drain me And I have to stop feeding it. She said I have to choose faith and hope. (This is difficult for me because I have always been the one to expect the worst and in the past I have actually made things worse this way. I acknowledge that but I always seem to succumb to the emotion of the moment. Or let it fester until I cannot control it. Also my family has been angry as well and understandably so they can really add fuel to the fire) I am afraid to feel hope cause maybe it could lead to more hurt but then again I am losing it so how much worse would hope be? Maybe hope would put me in A better mood to have fun and do things for myself and children. After our last conversation I was just so happy that we weren't definatly divorcing I was in a great mood and planning on doing all these positive things for myself. Had a great time with the kids. Then the next day I was depressed again. (Sad thing is that my good mood was not independent of husbands response)
As homework she wants me to create a list of positive things that come from husband with a date. And to start a list of new ways I respond to any situations that occur between myself and husband and compare them to how I would have responded in the past. I think this will be helpful because it will enable me to focus on positives and perhaps limit criticism.
Any techniques that you have found successful in controlling anxiety and preventing those pursuing behaviors and in controlling angry, resentful arguments and tones (asking him if he loves me, telling him I miss him, asking if there is another woman, picking fights when angry) .... I was thinking I could maybe Start by getting through each day and aim for three days without these behaviors and then it should be easier to get through each week (used this technique when I detoxed from sugar and carbs and then i no longer craved them and then eventually became repulsed by them) I have definatly been my own worst enemy
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie stop yelling at him and getting angry. If you want a shot at reconcilling read Sandis thread on the 37 rules and the wayward spouse. Have you read divorce busting yet?
I too was once a WAH before I became an LBS (karma). What i remembered is that the more she yelled and demanded of me the more i wanted to run. And ran I did. and never came back.
So take a deep breath. Change the things you dont like about you. Post often and lets us know how you doing daily. Ok
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Julie stop yelling at him and getting angry. If you want a shot at reconcilling read Sandis thread on the 37 rules and the wayward spouse. Have you read divorce busting yet?
I too was once a WAH before I became an LBS (karma). What i remembered is that the more she yelled and demanded of me the more i wanted to run. And ran I did. and never came back.
So take a deep breath. Change the things you dont like about you. Post often and lets us know how you doing daily. Ok
Thank you Rick, I am going to post daily because posting might prevent me from calling husband and getting emotional. I just skimmed through your first thread and will try to read more. How were you at first WAS and then LBS? When you say you ran did you physically separate and then return home and then became LBS?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I was M very young and began an A with a women who I later married and later divorced me. The reason I came to the boards over 4 years ago. The WAS will use anything negative that you do or say to rationalize their behavior. When you yell, chase him you make it easy for him to not want to come back.
I know that as a new comer you probably in a lot pain and want all of this to go away. The way most of us did thid was by coming here often and posting. But at the same time you have to take care of yourself. Look good and happy always. Go out if you can. Workout and look your best.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
The hardest part of all this is not knowing how I am going to feel from day to day or even hour to hour. I am so angry and then remorseful and occasionally numb. Today I woke up feeling hopeless like everything is too late. I am remembering all the horrible ways I contributed to the demise of our relationship. I am remembering all the good things he did when he loved me. It's been almost 2 months since he physically left and a long period of him just being emotionally gone. It is not getting any easier. I know I need to detach but have not. He feels like he tried and tried in past and has just given up. He feels like our relationship was unbearable for him. I want desperately to work on it but in an apt away from relatives. If he would just give our family a chance.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
All normal reactions of grieving. If you have time read kubler ross stages of grieving. And under MLC read Erics thread about fear. The fear of the unknown will consume you. It did it to me. Dont borrow trouble from the future.
He needs to see changes in you that are long lasting and consistent. not to win him back but because it is the right thing to do for you.
And you cant tell him you have to show change by your actions
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I did read DR recently and DB a while ago and I do read sandis rules. I follow them inconsistently because my emotions take over. Not good I know. I'm gonna try to get through 1 day at a time, continue to post, and keep a journal as the coach suggested and hopefully that will make it easier to avoid these very unappealing behaviors. I will have to check out Erics thread.
Today my husband did early morning errand that was beneficial for kids. (He called me early to get info about it) He has also been leaving work early to spend time with kids when I am at work (this is completely opposite of anything he ever did before and I am completely thrown off. It's like he's doing a 180 and I don't know his motivation. Is he thinking he wants to look good for court? Is he trying to improve himself for next relationship which is unfair because if he had made this commitment we would have gotten along so much better. Is he doing it for kids? That would be nice.is he maybe showing me he is trying to do his part to work on us? If I belive this I might be setting myself up for dissapointment. I know I have to stop mind reading. My anxiety is destroying me. I have to cope better.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
