Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[rd500]

Stay the course. Guilt trips are normal. Your doing your best in a very tough situation

Take care Rd

[dwh15]

So WW called back an hour after that first call, this time in tears. Guess I should have expected as much. So we talked a few more minutes, much more calmly this time. I tried to validate but told her I didn't appreciate the hypocrisy of someone who had lied as much as her accusing me of breaking promises. Anyway, in the end I sent S18 over with $60 to help her with food for the week. I have been providing dinner for the kids every night and told her that this money came with the expectation that she would be making dinner for the kids on nights she had them. I also said that was it for this week, and we could talk again next week, depending on how the next few days went. She seemed satisfied, gave me a thank you, then had to go because OM was trying to call.

I went ahead with my plans for the evening and met nephews out of town and took them to dinner. After, we went to a bar and they bought me a couple of drinks. These nephews are her sister's kids, btw. I tried not to give them too many details but they know the basics and both of them are extremely upset with WW. One of them says he refuses to see her or be in the same room. He recently had a long term girlfriend leave him for another guy, so the situation is very sensitive to him and he has no respect for anyone who would do that kind of thing. Overall, I had a good time, then headed home. I feel bad for my W, as she has lost most of her family connections and they have all sort of piled on my side. That wasn't my intention but a result of them forming their own opinions after they heard the news. And I don't feel that I should need to break off from that part of my family just because they are related to WW. I have known them over over 20 years and consider them just as much my family as hers. I've known my nephews since they were 5 years old. Again, the whole thing is just sad.

WW did call very briefly while I was out tonight to ask if I had checked on S16 and S10, who didn't come to her place. Told her I had not, so she was sending S18 home to check on them. The whole convo only lasted a minute and I wished her a good night and hung up. Tried to sound in good spirits, while she sounded a little stressed.

So anyway, I was peeved enough that at least I'm not feeling down tonight. I know the anger isn't healthy but it's such a relief from the constant sadness that I wish I could hold onto it for a few days. Right now, I really am feeling like I just want to totally let go, file, and move on. Let her enjoy the life she has chosen, along with all of the coming pitfalls. But I know that within a day or two, I'll probably be wishing she would come to her senses again. It's so hard to let go, and she doesn't deserve me even giving her another chance. No idea what I'm going to do next but hoping for a peaceful night sleep NOT thinking about WW.

[Vanilla]

Dwh

This is a 2x4 if WW Is going to wake from her fog she needs to suffer the consequences of her behaviour. This was an important opportunity to truth dart instead of soothing. WW behaved very badly yet you soothed her!

She has you wrapped around her little finger,

Her manulative tactics and faux regret worked, not only that but she then spoke immediately to OM. you had to get off the phone because OM as trying to ring her! Please see this as inconsistent with remorse.

Please stop pandering to this WW, it is counter intuitive but every time you do you
loose ground and WW respect for you. I believe you are setting yourself further back and WW succeeds in obtaining cash to spend so all her own spare resources go to her R with OM. It's like putting cash in the beggars tin and they then go get gin. If you give them a sandwich instead they can't.

Stop, WW has sacked you as her H, yet you are still behaving as if you were still responsible.

V

[Vanilla]

Dwh

Maybe I was a little too direct?

Are we good?

V

[dwh15]

No issues here V. Haven't posted today because I have been out all day with GAL activities. Had a 4-man golf scramble starting at 10am, which took nearly 6 hours. Then back to the local clubhouse for a dinner, some drinks and playing horseshoes with some friends. Didn't get home until around 8pm. Full day having fun and mostly enjoyed it, other than having a few down moments because nearly everyone I was with was a couple.

I see what you're saying about WW. My thought was that I am already paying to provide meals to the kids every night. The money is to help WW buy food and have her prepare meals. I made that very clear. If she does not follow through on making meals, and I don't just mean mac n cheese either, then there will be no more cash assistance. I only gave her enough to get through one week, with no promises about any more coming, other than we would see how it went.

I'm keeping track of what the kids eat, because I ask them every time they come home. I also find out if WW spent any other money on them. So far, it seems like she really is using it to help the kids. She took S18 out today and got him a baseball cap. I suppose I could refuse to help at all, but I'm trying to let the kids have a relationship with mom, and not get them caught in the middle of all this. If I feel that I'm being taken advantage of, I will immediately stop.

On other news, I met one of WW's supposed very good friends tonight. I've known about her for a while, and heard her name dozens of times, but never met her in person. Her and her husband were at the clubhouse for my charity, and I recognized their names. Introduced myself as the H of WW. They both looked shocked, then he shook my hand and she gave me a big hug. Turns out they knew what had been going on, felt very bad for me, and had discontinued spending time with WW quite a while ago. WW had always said this friend was one of the places she was frequently spending overnights and I found out that she actually only ever spent 1 night there in the past year. One! WW had told me she was over there at least 2-3 times a week for the past year before DDay.

The sheer amount of deceit continues to boggle my mind. So the upside is that we exchanged cell numbers and I have an open invitation to come and visit them any time I want. They have met all my kids and seem like really nice people. I keep picking up the friends that WW is leaving behind. My social circle is rapidly expanding while hers continues to shrink. I know that she sees the activity on my FB page, because she mentioned some of these friends recently on our phone call, which I was suprised to hear; I had assumed she didn't bother checking on me at all.

So my WW is noticing my GAL with all the new activity and with the stuff I do with the kids. She knows I have a new job and am going to be doing well financially while she struggles just to put food on the table. I have no doubt her fantasy will continue to crumble, and then no idea what's going to happen. I've come to the realization that she really is troubled and needs serious therapy to recover. I will not allow her back into the house with me and the boys until she starts down that path. It may never come, but happily, I really am beginning to believe the rest of us will be Ok regardless.

[dwh15]

Pretty slow day. Spent the morning cleaning, then did some shopping and finally took kids down to sister's house to swim. Stopped and got ice cream on the way. Kids had a great time and I got to catch up with sis for first time in a couple of weeks. Had a couple of brief TMs with WW on plans for the day, since she had thought they might come over for lunch, but nobody really wanted to, since they had seen her the past 2 days and were excited about the ice cream and swimming. But to be fair, I did offer for kids to go see mom first for a few, then come back and spend time with me. I told her I'm not in a competition to make the kids like me better and she replied she appreciated it and said no worries if the kids chose to be with me today.

So overall not a bad day. Not feeling too depressed or anything, just a little lonely and sad at times. But it's mixed in with good times so there's a balance. Whatever anger I had from the other day is gone and I'm back to holding steady with DB principles for at least the next few months. Doing my best to establish a working co-parent relationship with WW, which allows for open communication on the kids. We had reached a point where everything was going thru S18 or S8 via TM, and it was the source of mix-ups and hurt feelings on more than one occasion. I told WW that we need to communicate directly on anything related to kids, and not put them in the middle, which S18 is really getting frustrated with. Feels like we're getting there.

[dwh15]

So first day on the new job behind me. It went pretty well, although a little slow. Met a lot of the folks who will be on my team, and had a nice conversation with the lady who sits right next to me. Turns out she went thru a D several years ago, and actually met her current H where we both work. She said it's a friendly group and good place to meet people. She also encouraged me to give everything at least another 9-12 months to settle down before attempting to date. Get comfortable with myself. Of course it's great advice, but nice to hear it reinforced, and nice to be right next to someone who I consider a success story after going through this. She was very friendly and positive.

I had to run home at lunch to check on the boys and get them some food, but fortunately it's only a 15 min drive so I had time to grab a bite and get back. Tomor WW is coming over for a couple of hours in the afternoon so I don't have to spend my entire lunch hour driving back and forth. I'm relieved about that, plus it will give her some time with the kids. She normally has them Monday nights but starting a dart league tonight so won't be with them. Still hasn't given me an alternate schedule to replace the missing night. I told her I was open to discussion when she was ready and don't feel a need to keep reminding her. Until she says otherwise, I guess she's down to just 2 nights/week and I'll have them the rest. Fine by me. I really missed the kids today and was glad to come home. Been a long time since I had to be in an office every day.

Made it through the day pretty well, only thinking about WW a few times. It got worse towards the end of the day, and fortunately I was able to bring up the DB site on my cell and browse for a few minutes, which always helps me relax. Not sure why; guess it just gives me a little hope and peace of mind. So need to get the kids dinner, try to clean the house a little, then get ready for bed and start again tomorrow. It's gonna take a few days adjusting to this new schedule, but happy to have things to keep me busy.

[Vanilla]

Dwh, a great day at work. Sounds like you can settle in, just peachy.

V

[dwh15]

Well, pretty strange day. Work went fine again and I had a meeting with the school to discuss S10 at 4pm. WW had come to my house at 2pm so spend some time with the kids, then joined me at the school to attend the meeting. It lasted about an hour, then we both hung out in the parking lot after and talked for about 20 minutes. Mostly about S10, but also slipped into some conversation about how she had been spending her time and what I had been doing. It was really nice and the most comfortable we had been around each other in several weeks.

WW mentioned coming back to the house to pick up S10 and take him to dinner, since she rarely spends quality time with him. I told her it was a good idea, said I had to get going but to let me know. She called a few minutes later saying she was coming to get him. In the mean time, I had headed home, and noticed that when she was here earlier, she had taken 2 jewelry boxes, which mostly had her jewelry, but also had my wedding ring and some critical paperwork, such as titles to all our vehicles, SS cards for the kids, etc.

Well, I was upset that she simply took this w/o even asking, so confronted her when she came to get S10. I tried not to be mean about it, but said I wanted my wedding ring returned and all the paperwork. She got defensive and said that she had as much right to the kids SS cards as me. I decided not to escalate, but asked her to please check for my ring, and look through the paperwork and return anything that belongs to me. We were both getting snappy and she left with S10.

She sends a TM about 30 min later asking if I had plans to get the kids new backpacks or lunch boxes for school. I happened to be busy getting trained up bartending and didn't see the TM for about an hour. In the mean time, she had sent another one a few min later with just 2 question marks, like she was annoyed I didn't reply. When I finally saw the TMs, I replied sorry, I did not see them earlier and told her I had no plans for backpacks. I also sent a quick sorry for getting upset earlier and asked her again to just look for my wedding ring. No reply back.

I got home around 11pm, found out she had dropped off S10 around 9:30 and had taken him to dinner and out shopping. He got a new t-shirt and lunchbox. She also got a t-shirt for S8. They were both excited. So I sent WW a TM thanking her for getting those things and told her the kids seemed happy. Got a quick reply that she was glad, and that was it.

So overall sort of a mixed day of emotions. I enjoyed the convo in the parking lot, but the good feelings didn't last long when I realized about her taking the stuff, and got angry. The highs and lows are not nearly as bad as a few weeks ago but still bouncing around. I just can't figure out what I want. Sometimes I just think it would be easier to be friends with her, assuming I can totally let go of any hope for R. I feel myself moving towards that but not ready yet. I'm much stronger now about setting boundaries and sticking to them, so I'm not worried about being taken advantage of by WW, but I still think she would probably try to use me to her advantage if we went the "friends" route.

Ugh. The good news is I really enjoyed the bartending, got to know a lot more people, and everyone is really getting to know me. I even got hit on by a fairly attractive woman, but she had been drinking all night. Made me feel good anyway. So I'm heading to bed mostly feeling pretty good about the day. Hoping for a peaceful night's rest and another positive day tomorrow.

[Zues126]

OK...so she's lied to you for a year or more...now she's used the kids as an excuse to get into your house and steal from you...

Do you have an L hired yet? What steps have you taken to ensure that she can't steal from you again?

I cannot urge you strongly enough to take decisive action. Let me ask you this- how would you respond if the baby sitter took your wedding ring and car titles? Seriously. She isn't your W anymore. She is an ex, with another man, living in another household, and she feels entitled to everything you own because she deserves it because it's your fault she's in that spot. All of her pain is your fault. Don't get drawn into discussion or debate with her. Protect your a$$ TODAY.