And now he just sent me a friendly text on his way home from work. What the heck is that about? I thought he hated me? Can't get too excited about 1 text. This is exhausting. Going to clean up this kitchen and find some friends to hang out with tonight, I need a distraction.
A month before BD, my wife was leaving for a work trip where she really couldnt get sick. Of course, my 2.5 year old daughter started throwing up around 9 PM the night before she was leaving. I got up with my D 4 times in the night to stop her crying, clean up her vomit, wash all of her sheets, remake her bed, and get her back to sleep. I slept on the couch that night while my W was in our room just to make sure the germs wouldnt filter in. I came to find out she was up all night with OM texting back and forth about what a crappy job I was probably doing sanitizing the bathroom and her being all "FML" about the sick child. Even though she didnt lift a finger that night.
I asked H one time (bad move btw) if his IC thought filing for divorce was the right thing to do given he had only been going 6 weeks. He told me that IC doesn't offer advice or guide you. Really?? Hmmmm no wonder you never made any progress or he probably quit going and it was another lie. I hope when your H goes to a IC it's better than his
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
According to H, his IC agrees with him that I am awful. His "big" example is that about a month ago S9 told me he didn't want to join boy scouts because "Dad isn't home enough to go on the camping trips with me." H was sitting in the next room- literally just a few feet away. I immediately said "Dad wouldn't be able to go on all of the trips, but he's around enough to go on some of them." And then I grabbed S by the hand and said "let's talk about it with him".
I stepped the 3 feet into the next room and said "H, did you hear what S just said?" H said no, so I repeated it. He said exactly what I said "I would be around for enough of the trips, you should join." My S immediately said "that's not the only reason I don't want to join" and D said "Yeah, he has other reasons."
Well apparently that exchange somehow made its way to the counselor and got changed into "W threw my under the bus in front of my kids" and I should have pulled H aside to have a private conversation about this so I didn't undermine him in front of the kids????? Apparently he thinks that S didn't really say that because the kids reacted with "that's not the only reason????"
And he said his IC was shocked that I would do this. Am I missing something? He has brought this up about 5x already- the part about "even IC realized that you undermine me in front of the kids".
So the end result now is that I don't repeat anything to him that the kids say, I don't encourage or facilitate conversations between them, and guess what? He barely interacts with them or knows what is going on. I feel bad about this, especially for my kids sake, but I can't be in the middle when my intentions and words get twisted into something they are not.
You could always stop him and say that it is not what you said (you have to say it in a very calm and strong manner) and reclarify, but usually people in the fog will just twist things around so they seem like the victim.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr Bond, he actually repeated back what I said, but he twisted the whole context somehow to be different.
He is actually being pleasant tonight.
And I am feeling strong and detached in a pleasant and healthy way. MC tomorrow. I am ready to put MC on hold if he doesn't actually participate. I can't deal with the weekly spew session. I am praying that this is the week things will change, but I honestly have NO idea what is going on in his head. Last week we skipped it, and I did not miss it at all.
Big realization tonight: I am NOT desperate. I love him, he doesn't love me, it is sad, but I AM NOT DESPERATE. I'm just not. Not ready to give up because I don't think we have worked on things long enough, and I think there is hope, but I can see that day may come and I don't feel desperate about it.
I also realized that he is here by choice. I have been feeling like I am "keeping him here" and clinging to him, but there is nothing preventing him from packing up and getting his own apartment, or moving in with OW (apparently they are over????) but he is still here, upstairs snoring in my bed right now and stinking like cigarettes.
So. Whatever. We will see what happens. Detachment is amazing.
According to H, his IC agrees with him that I am awful. His "big" example is that about a month ago S9 told me he didn't want to join boy scouts because "Dad isn't home enough to go on the camping trips with me." H was sitting in the next room- literally just a few feet away. I immediately said "Dad wouldn't be able to go on all of the trips, but he's around enough to go on some of them." And then I grabbed S by the hand and said "let's talk about it with him".
I stepped the 3 feet into the next room and said "H, did you hear what S just said?" H said no, so I repeated it. He said exactly what I said "I would be around for enough of the trips, you should join." My S immediately said "that's not the only reason I don't want to join" and D said "Yeah, he has other reasons."
Well apparently that exchange somehow made its way to the counselor and got changed into "W threw my under the bus in front of my kids" and I should have pulled H aside to have a private conversation about this so I didn't undermine him in front of the kids????? Apparently he thinks that S didn't really say that because the kids reacted with "that's not the only reason????"
And he said his IC was shocked that I would do this. Am I missing something? He has brought this up about 5x already- the part about "even IC realized that you undermine me in front of the kids".
So the end result now is that I don't repeat anything to him that the kids say, I don't encourage or facilitate conversations between them, and guess what? He barely interacts with them or knows what is going on. I feel bad about this, especially for my kids sake, but I can't be in the middle when my intentions and words get twisted into something they are not.
I can tell you from talking w/ a lot of my colleagues that sometimes one of the most challenging things about a client is that they hear what they want. His IC is listening & validating. They turn "Wow, that must have really hurt" into "Wow, you are really right to be angry, she is way out of line." So, take what your H says about his IC with a big grain of salt.
Also, with some clients, the therapist needs to take a more affirming role because of the client's personality and issues in order to develop the relationship to facilitate the client's trust and openness to listening in return. That should have developed by now though.
All that said, some therapists are not all that skilled in certain areas or good fits for certain clients because of their own issues. But just like your H's IC shouldn't make firm judgments about you or your M from the word of your H, you shouldn't make the same mistake about IC from your H's word.
One problem I consistently find with therapists who have had particular kinds of training that is a bit (shall we say) dated, is that they approach R problems in unhelpful ways at times (at least IMHO). This is particularly true if they don't have training in M & family therapy, were trained a long time ago, and overwhelmingly see individuals rather than couples. The approach is to help the client individuate by disassociating from the problem R, then once that process has progressed, the theory is that they are then healthy to possibly reattach to the partner (& if that fails, more resilient). Part of the problem, as I see it, is that this pathologizes dependence & attachment, which is not necessarily the case (you can have healthy mutual dependence as well as unhealthy)
The problem, IMO, is that this ignores that even adults do better exploring themselves and their internal & external world from the base of secure primary attachment. It is just like with young children (the mechanism is the same, the details differ for adults): the infant/child with a secure attachment bond to the parent(s) is much more likely to feel comfortable exploring and individuating than the child with the insecure attachment bond.
The problem (and I certainly had this w/ my W) is that the attachment bond is insecure and dysfunctional, and the individuals in the M don't feel comfortable or able to explore and grow as individuals. Ripping apart the bond is traumatic to both members of the couple for a reason. I still think it is better to try to move from insecure & unhealthy attachment bonds to healthy secure attachment bonds that then allow the individual to continue their personal exploration and development.
Unfortunately, this is really hard to do when working with only one member of the couple (either because it is IC or you have a reluctant/resistant member of the couple). So, both the training & practicality of the situation is often to stress individuation and disattachment rather than fixing the attachment.
I see it w/ my W's IC, certainly, and I know my IC has this training and perspective (they were both trained in the same program). It frustrates me no end, but there isn't much I can do, but ride the ride or get off. Both require me to adapt to the trauma of first separating, then possibly working on the bond if it isn't too damaged in the process. Recognizing this helps both with the detachment that is necessary and with understanding that this is likely how it will have to go with the IC nudging things in this direction.
I hope that helps put some perspective on that side of things.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
