We had our "best" MC session last night. In that there was no spew. At all. We also agreed to start meeting every other week instead of weekly.
H's only complaint was that I didn't spend enough time with him while doing our closet project. I thought I was there with him for most of it, left a few times to check on the kids, once for a big break to make lunch and I will admit I checked this board and cleaned up after lunch. (I made huevos rancheros.) As I recall, H was in a bad mood and had his music blaring so loud we couldn't talk anyway, and I was up there for 80% of the time. So, much like his request that I sit with him quietly while he works, I guess he wants company while he is working.
I guess that is something. I wish he'd go with me to the pool with the kids (I've been at least 50x this summer, he hasn't been once) or any kids event or social event. But I am not going there yet, for now just the fact that he wants me in any way is good news to me.
So I will practice quietly keeping him company. When I can, I can't ignore the kids or not make dinner or GAL activities just so he can have me sit with him.
But I can read and do my online activities when he is working. This seems strange to me, I mean, if you want to be with someone, wouldn't you put down your work and be with them? But this is what he wants. I will do it for now. I have been actually, but will step it up.
OK, this might actually be good. I have a huge stack of books and magazines that I never have time to read. And I used to read all of the time, so it is something I'd like to get back into. I will give him some of my "quiet" presence and catch up on reading. And the next time he does a project around the house I will be more involved. If its "heavy" work that I can't do, I will just keep him company.
I have no expectations of him reciprocating the attention at this point in time. I am doing this for him and to catch up on my reading.
And again, I will not ignore my children or my GAL activities in the process, but I will make time for "quiet company".
My brain is not wired for this though, I am already thinking about wearing something skimpy to distract him. I had better pick a really good book to get my mind off pursuing.
I'm an avid reader and in the beginning, when XH first left, I had a very hard time focusing to even read. I had the same problem with watching tv. I would turn it on and even find a program I liked, but I could NOT stay focused on it, whatever it was.
Now, months later (almost a year, actually....wow.....), I am finding my joy in reading again. I have read 6 books in the past 4 weeks and will finish up another one tonight. I don't lie around and read all the time, though I admit, that I got hooked on my latest book and did read last night, as I had no housework to do and there was nothing of interest on tv.
I hope you find joy in reading again. It is a great hobby. And, yes, find something that will divert that urge to pursue. I'm sure you can find something that will pique your interest.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
OMG this is why he found a gf at work. A gf who has no kids, no obligations, just someone who could talk about work and how they had bad family relationships. You'd think they'd have put 2+2 together as to why would a workaholic have poor relationships? And she encouraged him to reconnect with his parents (who visit me every damn month, if he would stop working for a few hours he would notice that they are ALWAYS here).
Now if that isn't the worst A. If I was going to have an A, you can bet we wouldn't be talking about work and problems, we'd be out having crazy sex and lots of fun.
Sorry for the tangent. Sometimes I use this board to just vent whatever pops into my head at the moment to spare my real-life friends from the drama.
Dawn, yes, I had no focus for months after BD, but he is still here and it looks like he is staying. I think I can focus now. Unless he pulls another BD. I think he is very slowly coming out of it.
Question I can only ask here. On Valentines Day, a week before BD, I made H a "collage" - it was family pictures, about 15 of them, I cut them out in cute heart shapes and mounted them on burlap with a little "family" and "love" wooden cutouts, mounted and framed. It was cute. It has been sitting in a corner in our dining room since then. Should I just throw it out? Even if we reconcile, looking at it makes me want to vomit. But throwing it out makes me want to vomit too. What do I do? I am sure H has forgotten about it, probably wouldn't even recognize it if I showed it to him as he seems to have blacked out that month of his life. I should just toss it, right?
How about putting it in the attic or garage. You still have it but its out of the way.
My wife has taken all the things I made her in the den (her new bedroom) and stuffed them on the back of the top shelf of the bookcase in there. At least she did not throw them out. The glass is half full.
OK I won't throw it away yet. Tonight is garbage night. Part of me really wants it gone because it makes me sad. I might throw it away in next week's garbage night.
I had been making a stairway "gallery" of family portraits, etc, and I bought a big letter of the initial of our last name to go on it. Turns out while I was buying the letter, H was in a restaurant with OW. At the exact time. So I donated the letter and a frame I bought at that same time, and stopped working on my "gallery wall".
I still want a gallery wall, its a project I had been thinking about and planning for a while and it was about half way done when BD struck. But now I feel like the whole project is tainted. I just feel like it is a monument to a family that wasn't what I thought. That at the exact moment I was honoring and celebrating our family, H was cheating on me. And not just me, but he left my kids unattended to go sneak off with OW.
But maybe I should just do it anyway, and just have it all about my kids? Just leave me and H out of it, and our family "name" out of it? I love my kids. And photography is my hobby, so I want their pictures up.
And, yes, find something that will divert that urge to pursue. I'm sure you can find something that will pique your interest.