My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

I wish you nothing but the best, Haunted. Thanks for the support!

Logically I agree with not letting her return too soon. I just don't know if I am strong enough to deny her if she turns on the charm.

[haunted]

I wish you nothing but the best, Haunted. Thanks for the support!

Logically I agree with not letting her return too soon. I just don't know if I am strong enough to deny her if she turns on the charm.

I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to not get drawn back in. I deal with it every time I see my husband. Hopefully with time, you will get stronger with it.

[late30s]

So minor update:

I GOT THE JOB!

I am starting as a software engineer, I have a grown up title and stuff!

So excited, been running around the house for the last hour. I'm still in shock.

[job]

Congratulations!

[late30s]

Thanks, Job!

[late30s]

Minor update:

Saw W today for lunch. We discussed the new job. Prior to all of this I have not made much money. I work hard, and I work two jobs, but it doesn't add up to a lot. I have made enough to get by. With the new job, it is a significant quality of life increase. I told W the door was still open and that I would like to share it with her. Pursuing, yes. It felt right though. I have no intention of constantly pointing it out, but I look forward to money not being as big of a deal as it once was.

Anyhow, the mindset here was to plant the seed. I hope that I did it correctly. Conversation went well enough and we spent a fair amount of our time discussing her newest writing project.

It has already happened and I won't condemn myself for it, but does a conversation like that come across in the wrong way?

[late30s]

I guess what I'm asking is, does a conversation like that hurt my chances at R?

[late30s]

This weekend was ... interesting?

W is the person who pushed me to go back to school. Chances are I would have remained in pizza and been content, but she pushed and now I find myself in a better position than I ever have been.

W confessed to me that she feels like she did all this work to help me to get to this point and now she wants to reap the rewards so to speak. She also confessed that she is still in love with me. Also, she said that she has noticed all the work I have done on myself, says she is really confused on what to do now. She says she is sick of the limbo and feels like she needs to make a decision soon. Either cut me out of her life and pursue things with OM or cut him out and recommit herself to rebuilding our M.

I am doing my best to stay calm and level, not get my hopes up and not let this get to me too much, but I am finding it difficult. It seems that she is nearing the point of returning here and I want the road paved smoothly for that return. At the moment I do plan on continuing to act as if my M is over and move forward with my life. Everything else in my life is going great. Excellent rapport with the kiddos now, great news on the job front, stopped working the second job, so I am not nearly as exhausted as I once was, returning to school in a few weeks, constant GAL events with friends and family. I am in therapy. Finances are well under control. But without her, it all seems a little dimmed.

I feel good about where I am in my life and I feel good about voicing what I want from a relationship and a marriage. I believe that my goals for a relationship are healthy. Maybe I am a sucker, but I believe that W and I can meet those goals together if she chooses to return and work on building our M. At this point I feel like I am simply rambling. I'm open to any advice or comments.

[CaliGuy]

Late

Just caught up on your sitch a bit. Congrats on the job . I too just prior
to BD landed a 'solid' job and thought . 'okay . this will not fix
everything but it should help' Thing is . they are going through so much
more and there seems to be a point no matter how much more improved we (The
LBH) get .. it is viewed as reactionary (especially early on). with them
thinking/saying g "Oh sure NOW he gets his act together, well it's too late
I found happiness (or so they think). It takes a bit for these changes to
take root . and even longer for them to become real . and yet more time
required for the WAS to actually believe and trust these things truly
happened.

I would strongly caution any actions to get back together, she is not done
cooking. Sure you appear to be a H only a fool would leave (At the least
working very hard in that direction right?), and she might even be able to
see that through the fog . that being said you are pressing a bit .. re-read
your last few posts .. you are pursuing, initiating R talks . she is on the
fence and will continue limbo until she hits bottom but at the moment she
knows you are still there . right where she put you so there is no reason
for her to process things on her own.. Cake eating is right there if she
chooses to do so.. My W dropped OM over half a dozen times . they waffle
back and forth, cake eat and just cannot sort anything out .. again this is
their crisis but when we the LBS are to close .. hanging on to tight .. it
does nothing but keep us stuck from growing and becoming better. It's one
thing to pave the path home smoothly . just be careful not to paint yourself
in a corner as you do so.

[late30s]

You're right. I am pressing a bit.

It's becoming more difficult to remain strong when I'm around her. I keep telling myself that the best thing for both of us is to simply let her go. So far she has seen some realities of her decisions with this. Kids won't talk, her family won't talk to her, she's lost many friends. She is living in poverty.

When I got the job, I wanted so badly for her to see it. It's something we had been dreaming about for years now, when I finally get a job in my field, things will get much better. So many late night talks just imagining life when this happened. It's been a dream of hers as well. When I finally realized that goal and she wasn't there to share it with me, I felt like I had cheated her a bit. I felt like Jerry McGuire.

I may be having difficulties completely cutting her loose, but I can be stronger in my interactions with her. No more pursuing her, even with our shared dreams.

Thanks for the input, Cali. Helped me to stop and think about it a bit.