Sigh. I'm still caught in the seemingly (to me only?) contradictory signals of WW. On the one hand, she's asking about the D procedures, because the ball is in my court.
On the other hand, she texts and emails me "funny stuff", like yesterday was a proof-reading of a letter from D7's camp (it was full of mistakes). Today, it's a few chosen quotes from her clients. I just don't know what to make of it or even how to react. .
Mozza, I'm going to make a confession here. I'm doing the same thing. Earlier this week, STBX drove S19 to college and he called me the next day as he drove back. We talked about S19's apartment, about his roommates, about a job interview I'd been on, about the new neighbors that moved in next door to me. And we talked about the consultation I'd had with a L, and about the documents we needed to start assembling. All in the same conversation.
So although I do see where you are coming from, I also see where your W is coming from. It's fine to feel whatever you feel, that's what's authentic for you, I'm just throwing out there that I don't see those things as contradictory. It's just all part of the relationship right now, one big package.
Mozza!! Long time no speak. I was away. trying to catch up on everyone's sitch. About the mixed messages: My W bought me a whole box of ready-to-eat quinoa salad cups this morning. WTF? Some olive branch.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
And yes, I'm slow. Not really on purpose, not because I'm trying to drag things down, but simply because it is highly unpleasant and I tend to procrastinate.
This really resonates with me. I hate paperwork in general; when it is paperwork that is bringing me closer to D, I have extra incentive to avoid it and procrastinate. And for a long time, I did avoid it. Still, when I realized that a step forward in any direction is better than the status quo, I was able to move forward with submitting my discovery paperwork and documents.
Your tendency to procrastinate may be a Mozza 180 opportunity. Not for her, but for you. Just puttin' it out there.
Hi. Hope it's ok to chime in. On the mixed signals I think this is a bit of muscle memory to a degree. You and W have a connection and that's not easy to break. I would take it as a good sign that she feels she can talk to you and relax back from anything else. I do think it's nothing more than her feeling comfortable about communicating with you and maybe that's not a bad thing
On her finding someone more compatible , I would imagine that's very hard for you to judge and again , maybe , your mind seeing what it wants to see.
I'm far from an expert and know you have been around for a while but sometimes it's much harder to view your own sitch objectively
Sigh. I'm still caught in the seemingly (to me only?) contradictory signals of WW. On the one hand, she's asking about the D procedures, because the ball is in my court. And yes, I'm slow. Not really on purpose, not because I'm trying to drag things down, but simply because it is highly unpleasant and I tend to procrastinate.
On the other hand, she texts and emails me "funny stuff", like yesterday was a proof-reading of a letter from D7's camp (it was full of mistakes). Today, it's a few chosen quotes from her clients. I just don't know what to make of it or even how to react. Yesterday, I did reply and today, I can't decide. I don't even know where it leads. Normalizing the separation? For the record, she always tried to be friendly to me and I've always kept my distance. I can't say that it hurts much anymore, but it does distract me.
Hey Mozza - I will indulge in mind reading and say , yes, indeed, she is trying to normalize the situation. And that's not really anything new, right? I recall in one of your early posts she told you that you didn't have to be "robots" with each other. I think it's pretty common (and natural) for the WAS to try an reinforce the story that this is all just normal everyday stuff.
Of all the aspects of DB, I have always found the advice to behave like a "friendly neighbor" the most difficult. I am terrible at it. I don't ooze anger or anything and am very polite with STBX, but there is no small talk (on either side). I've tried to be better about it and it feels so forced and unnatural that I have to believe it comes across as completely inauthentic.
So- this is advice to do what I find so difficult. Keep trying. Particularly if it is about stuff to do with the kids. At the end of the day, regardless of what happens - it probably helps build a positive connection between you two - and that can't be a bad thing.
Normalising could be one part, equally it could be a guilt reflex as in a 'you are doing OK and are friendly therefore she didn't do anything wrong because it worked out best for everyone' kind of thing.
There is no way to know, I guess as much as anything it just shows that we need to ignore the why's of their behaviour and focus on our reactions.
How's things otherwise?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I hear you on the confusion of the mixed signals. My W is an unintentional master/mistress of mixed signals. When she sees me at work, I get a genuine smile. She likes facebook posts. And then just when I relax, she throws a curve ball.
Last couple weeks, she's lingering longer talking. She volunteers she's reading a marriage advice book I had recommended over a year ago & really likes it. She started using 'we' to talk about future projects that would be about the time she says she wants to have the D done by. DB coach is sees these as time to move the game forward a bit.
Then W asks about progress finding a mediator (I have contacts through my counseling program, and was hoping for someone to know someone they could recommend rather than the dart board method of choosing). Then meeting to finalize fall parenting schedule, I give her a couple names, but admit it isn't the kind of mediator we were looking for. W says there is no way she sees herself coming back to M, and she wants to move the legal process forward so that we can finalize the D after the school year.
Wait, what were all those positive signals???? Why the h*ll were you telling me you were reading a book about fixing marriage if you were dead set against fixing ours?
At least in my W's case, I really don't factor much in her thinking about impact of her words and actions. It's not malicious. It's just that impact on me is not something she really thinks about lately.
It's like wants to be friends, but doesn't want to actually do anything that is what friends do. Wants to keep the family together, but doesn't want to do anything as a family. Wants to be independent, but wants me to figure out if I can fix the dryer and her phone. Consistency and thoughtfulness of others (or at least me, and to a lesser extent the kids) isn't a strong suit of hers during this fun adventure.
You have a WW & mine is a WAW, but right now, we are an afterthought. We can't help but consider the impact of what we do or say on our Ws, but at best we are something they react to rather than think about. Hopefully, this will pass even if we both end up on the other side of a D, as we'll have to deal with them for a long time to come. We are also their primary attachment figure for a long time. Even while you are detaching from that person, your emotions toward them swing wildly. It is one of the traumas of detachment. We hoped they would try to repair those bonds (and they still may), but as they detach further, hopefully we'll both get a little more consideration on top of our own further detachment from them.
Good luck.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
It's so nice to have you everyone to reflect on these puzzling situations. I find that I moved past the urgent need for emotional support that I had early on, but I'm still not able to see through these by myself without some external input like you all provide. Thanks for being there and taking interest.
I think you're right: there's nothing to it. She's just trying to normalize the situation. After the "funny email" mentioned above, she sent me one that was slightly more aggressive than usual, asking me why it's taking me so much time to take certain steps in the D. I ignored that question, but answered the rest about the steps we need to take.
An image came to me to illustrate how I feel about WW: A reckless driver has hit my car head-on, taking my wife and half my kids with her. She's both the driver and my passenger and, as such, both the object of my anger and sadness. I can't be asked to act normally and friendly towards the driver. I do my best to act proper, that's as far as I an go.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Interesting metaphor. Definitely appropriate and accurate.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
WW was pressuring me again to finish some research so that the D can press forward. I wrote her I had enough of being pressed and it was not helping. I wrote it was not pleasant and she replied: "Exactly. My pint of view is that our M is over, let's get the paperwork done and go forward." This was not easy to read. I had used the expression "your D" and she responded that it was also my D, regardless of what I say. That's when I snapped and wrote:
"No it's not also "my" D. You chose the S unilaterally, without a warning, without consulting me, without wanting to make any effort to avoid it, and without a credible explanation. I take my share of the blame for our relationship difficulties and there are many things I'd do differently, but I don't take the responsibility of the S and D."
She replied "As you wish, as I told you: I don't care".
We're often told here that it's useless to say those things to our WAS and for me it has always been a challenge to keep quiet, but I did it. The pressure made me snap and I felt I just had to say a few things and it would be off my mind. Well, it was not helpful to me. I'm having an awful week, crying much more than usual, even losing some sleep. I should probably have kept quiet. Maybe in a few weeks, I'll be less hurt and will be satisfied that I slipped it in there.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
