I'm not sure how to stop. I don't want to sound to stupid here but What exactly do mean stop playing the game? Ok Maybe you mean stop letting her decide whether I won or not. Can you please elaborate? I hate to ask you to say the same thing you have probably already said.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
you had a choice recently about fixing the car, right?
Your options were: 1) fix the car - she gets mad that you don't think she can take care of herself and you won't give her space. 2) don't fix the car - she gets mad that you're so lazy and don't care about the kids.
So the outcome with respect to your wife isnt impacted by your decision right? No matter which option you choose, she will be upset about something. So why are you basing your choices on how it will impact HER?
If you think that choosing the choice that will make her "happiest" is the best course of action, you are headed for a lot of disappointment.
I made the choice to fix the car because I knew she couldn't and the kids need transportation to school. At that point it didnt matter whether she was happy or not. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Right?
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
The game is called, "Winning back my Wayward Wife".
Have you ever had the experience of learning a new game, and the one teaching you continued to change the rules? No way of winning that game! Yet, you are trying to win a game where she changes the rules, continually.
To stop playing the game, you have to stop trying to win her back.
You cannot score Brownie points with a WW.
Did you ever read the homework Cadet sent you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I read the following somewhere years ago (about the stock market, of all things): If the game is rigged, why do you want to play?
I agree with Azzork. When it comes to making choices on how to interact with your WAS or things you should or should not do, you have to make the choice based on what is best for you (and/or your children). Not what you think will make your WAS happy.
I believe a WAS is going to interpret your words and actions in a way that justifies what he/she is doing regardless of your good intentions. It's one of the ways they use to make themselves feel better about the pain and hurt they are inflicting. They have to make you the "bad guy."
When they succeed in making you feel like you can't win ... that you're the bad guy ... that attitude comes across to them through your words, actions and moods and it feeds their justifications.
You have to base your choices on what is best for YOU! Don't play the game.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I made the choice to fix the car because I knew she couldn't and the kids need transportation to school. At that point it didnt matter whether she was happy or not. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Right?
See, this is when I feel that a lot of newcomers use their kids as their excuse to do something for the W, hoping to score a few points. Yes, what you said sounds logical, but you also said you turned around and told her you were not going to be her mechanic. So, which is it? Are you fixing it for the kids today but not in the future? See what I mean here?
I'm not picking on you or trying to give you a hard time about the car. It is only an example. I am trying to get you to be honest with yourself. We've heard men use their kids as their excuse or crutch for almost every thing on this board. Maybe they are blind to the truth behind their actions, IDK. What seems pretty obvious to outsiders is how the LBH wants to do something for his WW, hoping he can get on her good side, or that she'll at least appreciate him. He's like the little boy taking an apple to his teacher. Her smile and a thank you is worth it all for him.
For your own sake, I hope you will ask yourself what your motivation really is.....before you act on it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Man, this is so confusing. I see and understand it but wow there is alot more to this than I'm am putting into pratice. I'm gonna keep chugging along and take the advise I'm learning. Thank you all.
My D12 has an art show after church today. I'm dressed for success and going to put PMA to work.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
I made the choice to fix the car because I knew she couldn't and the kids need transportation to school. At that point it didnt matter whether she was happy or not. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Right?
You believe she was incapable of figuring out how to fix the car? I'm pretty sure she knows how to call a tow truck and could have it taken to a repair shop.
Logical went out the window at BD. Theres nothing logical about a person running 100% on emotion.
Yes, she is incapable of fixing the car. Yes, she could call for tow but I would have to pay for it and I don't have the money at this point. I understand what your trying to tell me but in that specific instance I had two choices. Repair the car myself for free. Or take off work and drive the kids to school and the w to work myself Until I had the money to pay for the repair. We share a bank account and she doesn't make much money.
I'm don't want to come off as disrespectful because I totally get what your saying. Also, I know this isn't about fixing the car it's about its about the mentality that I have to want to control things. For this I'm totally guilty as charged.
Again, please know that I completely value your advise and don't want you to think that I am ungrateful. I understand the point you are making.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
