Oh, ok. I remember reading that post. I thought maybe it had progressed or you found something out that I missed. Doesn't the uncertainty in it kill you?
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I've thought long and hard about how sex impacted my M. Obviously I was the high desire spouse, and my M failed for many reasons.
I've made the first point before, but it bears repeating. It was an issue that was infinitely more important to me than STBX ever realized. There was a monumental communication barrier. It was like she kept saying "I get it, I get it, I get it" when if for just one moment we could switch places she would return to her body and be like "oh my god, I didn't realize THAT'S how it felt to you, and that's how important it was". I used to joke that woman are wired to want babies, men are wired to want sex. So sex feels as important to us as babies do for woman So first point, yes, it's very important for men.
But the second point is that it's not all about satisfying every sexual desire. I get that's not happening. Trust me, that's impossible. I have sexual desire pretty much constantly, all day, every day, and that is stimulated perpetually. I guess that's how nature wired me. The thing is, I don't want to act on all of those desires! Ick. What I want is a partner that can try to understand those desires, and incorporate them into our marriage as a TEAM.
For example, if my partner was coming across as dismissive of my desires, disinterested in understanding them, judgmental that they were perverted, irritated that they were so expansive, or frustrated that she had to put up with them...that's pretty much the end of any serious intimacy we can have. Note the opposite doesn't mean having sex anytime and way I want it...just that I'm understood, validated, accepted, and that we approach them saying "in our M your desires play a big role, and we need to take that into account as we together figure out how we can work together as a team"...wow, that would be POWERFUL for me.
With that point of view, if H asked for sex every day, instead of explaining why that's unreasonable, impossible, or dismissing his input because it's so extreme and instead just shrugging and doing what you can do...maybe have a discussion about that, one that encompasses his needs and your fears of disappointing him. Frankly that's a discussion that could benefit from a good IC, particularly if destructive patterns had formed that kept cropping up.
Just my thoughts on what I long for, and my regrets on how I wish it had gone differently in my M as well. Carry on soldiers.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm devastated tonight. I thought a lot about what you said Zues and I've read it before. Tonight for the first time since April, H wanted to talk. He told me that he still wants a D and now that I'm working we should start thinking along those lines. He asked if I still refused to sign the D papers if he got them. I said yes. I told him that I appreciated him telling me how he was feeling and that I still thought we might work on our M.
He said that he can't work our M because he always feels guilty for causing me pain. I apolgized for making him feel that way. He said I didn't, it was just him. That I hadn't done anything wrong and it was all him. I brought up the sex issue and he kept saying that sex had very little to do with it as he knew what he was getting in to before he married me. I told him that I still wanted to own my lack in that area and that I was more than willing to meet an MC to talk over issues.
He got red eyed and said he couldn't and that he's just unhappy and nothing is going to change because it's not me.
I saw that the conversation seemed to be a cheeseless tunnel, so I reiterated that I heard he was still wanting to divorce me and that he doesn't know the next step, but that there needed to be. He said yes and then said don't you sound clinical. I told him if I sounded that way it was because I was trying not to get emotional and that sometimes I misinterpret what he says. By repeating it I hope I get what he's saying.
Now I'm in my room. Crying and devastated again. He also had our S all day and so the reality of significant less time with our son is setting in. I really don't understand God's path for me tonight. And I miss someone holding me while I cry.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Stay strong, E. I know that the thought and the word "divorce" are scary. But think how incredibly you did in that conversation. You recognized that there is nothing you can do say to change his mind, so you validated and got away. There's nothing you can do to control his thoughts or actions, but you can hold your head up for the way you handled yourself in the face of some of the most painful words you can hear.
And remember that it's easy to SAY you want a divorce. There's a long time between now and that day, and there's no telling what journey you will all take between now and then.
Go easy on yourself tonight, E. We're here for you.
I so wish there was a physical place to go to. I just can't stop crying. You think I did well? I thought he was upset that I stopped the conversation but I knew I had to.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
You stopped the conversation before it spiraled out of control. Lord knows getting into a game of he said she said where you both end up mad or crying or both in front of each other isn't a better ending.
You can't fix him. If he's upset, it's just as likely not about you he's breaking up his family, he damn well should be upset, ya know?
Go for a walk if you need? Or a short drive? Sometimes fresh air can just help you breathe a bit.
But ultimately, you're still in pretty much the same place you were yesterday. I think you are doing so much better personally - at the end of the day, that's all you ever could control anyway.
I am so very sorry e. I wish I could take this pain away. It has been so trying. I cried myself to sleep...took almost an born then woke up about 4 hours later wondering exactly that...what is my path.
I put on the coffee, folded my laundry and got on my way for the boys soccer tournament up in Wisconsin all day. Have two more games colors then home for another day.
Tomorow It is time for you and me to really, and I mean Really ratchet up our GAL activities. Tonight though...I am going to have a drink or two and sleep alone 3" from my wife.
I really wish things were different for you right now. Hugs from Wisconsin
So first point, yes, it's very important for men.