legally separating

[Avanti]

You are doing the right things, it will get easier, just give it time.

Get your mind thinking about other things and become even more involved in what you are taking part in.

If you are letting negative thoughts go round and round they'll flourish and grow darker so you'll become more anxious, acknowledge them and let them float away in your mind like passing clouds. Practise this and you will feel even more in control of how you feel.

[beckyb]

In the spirit of GAL I drove through a couple of neighborhoods I may potentially move to. It might have been a little premature based on current anxiety level. But at least I'm thinking about it.

[Avanti]

That's great, you are starting to think further down the path, rather than what is just in front and in reaction to something your husband does or says.

What else can yo do that's maybe more immediate? Remember it does not need to be something big, think baby steps.

[asitis]

Hi Becky,

Just caught up on your sitch, and like everyone else, I'm very sorry to be meeting you here. Having just read through, I can see that you are finally settling down a bit in the last couple days & that is good. Try to keep that going. Focus on GAL. Look for something new to do that you either used to do but had stopped or something you've always wanted to try or something that just sounds fun. Fill some of that new-found space in your life with some activities just for you.

Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.

I hope that you continue to get some detachment and settle some more. That's the best thing right now for you and your M.

Good luck.

[beckyb]

In my immediate future, on Wednesday evening I will return home after 2 1/2 weeks away. I moved out with H was in the process of moving his things to storage/apartment. It was way too emotional to watch it which wasn't good for detachment. He is supposed to be out by 5 pm on Wednesday, except for some things in his workshop. I am changing the locks and he will have to make arrangements for come and get them. I sold our bed and bought a new one. My sister is going to be with me when I go back and home. We are going to do some rearranging and redecorating. That about all I can focus on for now.

[Huddy]

That sounds good. Just because you're in a pothole right now, doesn't mean it's going to be like this forever. Looking at new places to live means you're thinking, it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen, but you're getting prepared. Keep it up.

[beckyb]

Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.

Asitis, you are right about my husband and it taking time. But a Divorce is already underway although in early stages, he has moved out and I think OW has moved in. It's discouraging.

I'm trying to make myself take one hour and one day at a time.

[Azzork]

Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.

Asitis, you are right about my husband and it taking time. But a Divorce is already underway although in early stages, he has moved out and I think OW has moved in. It's discouraging.

I'm trying to make myself take one hour and one day at a time.

Becky -
Just because divorce proceedings have started doesnt mean they cant be stopped. Just because you GET divorced doesnt mean you cant get remarried. Focus on what you need to do for you, and you will be so much better off.

[asitis]

Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.

Asitis, you are right about my husband and it taking time. But a Divorce is already underway although in early stages, he has moved out and I think OW has moved in. It's discouraging.

I'm trying to make myself take one hour and one day at a time.

Yes they are underway. Yes OW is central in his life right now. Yes he is probably going through MLC. Yes he may push D along faster than it takes for him to come out of his fog & realize some things that might change his path. But you either decide you want to hang in there and do what you need to work on yourself and GAL or you do what he is, chase distractions that might give some short term relief to your suffering. That's the hard truth & no one is going to sugar coat it.

Let's say that he pushes divorce through faster than it takes for him to ride out his adventure. Nothing says you can't remarry if you both still want that. And, if you don't push him, he is likely going to be just fine riding his ride. If OW starts pushing him, that will likely blow up in her face, as he wants no real commitments I suspect. So, you just focus on you and let him worry about him for the time being. That gives you both the best chance to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and if that includes the other person still being a central part of your life.

All that said, I know the fear of having things pushed along and feeling like you are running out of time to DB things right. It [censored], and it really pushes you to do something. Something (other than detaching, GAL, boundaries, listen/validate, etc.) will likely make that speed up rather than slow down. There are times when a serious action is required to change a dynamic (going truly dark or last resort), but you are just getting yourself settled & learning the terrain. There is time. It is hard to allow yourself to not feel the urgency, but the whole thing is hard & you will grow from it.

Reach out to people in your support network when you feel like it is getting to be too much or the urge to initiate contact gets too strong.

Hang in there.

[beckyb]

When I found out he countered-filed for divorce and I abandon my petition for separation I have truly "dropped the rope". Internally it is still a huge struggle but I have gone dark and am not pushing at all. I' not asking my attorney to slow things down or speed them up. I just have to move on with my life. (easier said than done)

Today, after no contact for several days he texted me to ask for information he could have gotten on his own, and to ask about the cat. I responded very briefly. Just stinks that he cares more about the cat than our marriage.