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[lonelee]

So i've been having a real tough day.. feel like im setting my self back. Brought up his seeing ow .. stated I dont think I can " make coffee " with him any longer if hes continuing that relationship.
He said he didnt want me to do that.
I said I feel its the right thing to do.
He wants to talk more but im afraid he'll be able to change my mind.

Give me advice, give me strength, give me words and hope.
Thank you all.

[gonegrl]

Lonelee, of course you are doing the right thing.

I am so exhausted right now I can't think of anything inspirational to tell you except that you do not deserve to be treated as plan B. You are worth much more than this. If you can't do it for yourself, think about the example you are setting for your children. What would you tell your D if she were in your sitch?

Hold your ground. You are worth it.

[lonelee]

You are so right photoka.. thank you.

Im sorry your going through your own personal hell right now as well. My sit is not easy with children as well but for the most part they are not as neddy for me as yours seem to be for you.

I think as mothers we will always choose to do whats right for our children over our spouses. Especially when they are making the choices they are right now. Your doing the right thing by them.

Keep your head high. Get some rest and hopefully we will both have better days ahead. Talk soon.

[asitis]

Have you read the chapter on overcoming infidelity in DR yet? If not, you really need to.

If you look back a few pages, you'll pick up that most or all of us were urging you to consider drawing a boundary here as long as OW is in the picture. Let him plead and beg and talk. You aren't winning him back by sleeping with him. That hasn't worked, so why keep doing it. If he threatens to turn to others, that is not a very serious threat because he already has and you are no worse off if he does. It is he who must change his behavior if he wants you to continue to work on your R, not you.

Stand firm. Remember, his threats are empty: he is a WH. You've lost him already (at least for now) & he shows no signs of reform or true return to work on the R. If you hope for him to come back, you've got to try something new and different. This is your 180.

Be strong. Truth be told, must of us were probably wanting to tell you that sleeping w/ him is a really bad idea in much stronger terms, but we knew that approach wouldn't work and you might run off in resistance. We knew you had to come to see this on your own. But, I think you will hear the relief when those same folks come check in on your sitch and see this new development.

It will be hard. We all want a little coffee from time to time. Give yourself permission to care for yourself a bit extra to help your way through the struggle.

[Sotto]

Hi Lonelee, it sounds as though you want to draw this boundary but are doing so in a rather hesitant way. And it sounds as though your H may be able to 'pursuade' you to 'make coffee' if that's what he chooses to do.

I'm more than a year since BD now, and 3 months prior to BD, my H was in an A with OW. If there is one thing I have learned about this whole experience, it is that I never want to live with that whole '3rd person in our M' scenario again. That I don't need in my live. If that means I lose the R, so be it.

What I would love to see in your sitch is a healthy burst of self-respect. If I continue to ML with you, I put my health at risk and I'm not willing to do that. I want and deserve a monogamous R in my life, this isn't it and I don't want to ML in these circumstances.

Please don't think that ML makes it more likely you will 'hold on' to your H. In fact a strong stance and protective boundaries are actually more likely to make him sit up and take notice. But don't draw them for that reason - do them for yourself.

Good luck with whatever you decide :-)

[Vanilla]

I am still not as negative about the ML dynamic as others. When you are no longer enjoying the coffee, stop drinking it. Do this for you not to connect, wake up WH or any other reason, but because it's not ok with you. If ML is a 180 then consider carefully, that which you want. Look back and say to yourself 'good whilst it lasted, and I came to a point that it wasn't for me so I stopped. Then to WH, "thanks but no thanks. It's been great but no longer for me you know my stance on it. When you are ready we can discuss but be aware I am moving on with my life quickly now'

I carried on with my java for a long time, until it became an empty bitter tasting brew, and I think that's a decision you make for you. Do so because you are strung out on caffeine or the particular brand no longer appeals or is mouldy.

It isn't something I regret doing, some of us are caffeine addicts and are happy to ML. It may be a long time before I get another cup to share! I am trusting one day I will.

Some of us are just simply high drive in this way. If you ML do so for you, not to please another, it's your choice, when you do, go OK, that was for me.

Then one day I lay beside WH and thought, that's it, this is the last time. This isn't my idea of enjoyable. Then it was ' WH this is the last time, until you want a committed M, then no more" and WH said ' I thought so'. Plus dear heart no coffee without a lid, it may spill and cause great health damage.

And my WH was a seducer (and so am I in the right R) so I let it go, just stated by boundary "you know my views". And to myself "I am saving myself for Liam! "

V

[lonelee]

Thank you all.

In reality it has been 4 mo of making coffee and seeing him only of which 1+ mo with him being out of the home. I had told him early on that at some point I would prob decide that I no longer would want to continue coffee if he was doing ow. He said hes only seen her 3 times in this time period. 3 is enough for me.

Stopping this would prob be a 180 of the 180 that I had started when he was still at home before I even knew what a 180 was. Stopping coffee with him is for my benefit not to get him to take notice or to make an ultimatimum just simply that I have decided I dont want to be in a 3 ring circus any longer.

Respect for myself my values and a relationship that has more to offer because that is not the only thing from him that I want. I think I need to make a stand on that I guess.

I appreciate you helping me think this through and for wording it for me in a context that is simple. I hadnt thought that I could simply say out of respect for myself and the marriage we had I can no longer have an open marriage. Open marriage.. hadnt occurred to me.

Sometimes im slow as I have stated here before.

[Vanilla]

You understood it, now you have really understood it.

Do what you want to do, when it's right for you.

Now where is the tea pot?

With Vanilla cheeeeeeeeeesecake!


You say coffee I say cheese. Talking of cheesecake let me talk about Liam........

Liam is also a euphemism too, well it helps he is really my type.

V

[gonegrl]

Vanilla, I am so confused on the cheesecake and Liam thing. I have a hunch, can I order it on Amazon?

Lonelee , I wish I knew you in real life, you too Vanilla, we could have a girls night out and have a good laugh.

[lonelee]

Awe thanks photoka.. I would love that too. I try to have some humor in all of this as the reality is so scary and serious that sometimes I want to share a funnier side of me.

I feel like your all part of my secret sorority.