7 weeks in feels like a lifetime.

[teach3]

Lynn same thing just happened to me. I got a ray of hope and ran full speed ahead. Just regroup and stay as focused as possible, it's so hard.

I pray he does't leave but my DB coach had me make out an emergency plan with her in case my H revealed he has been having an affair. We just went through some options and she really spoke at length about not reacting out of impulse.

Maybe it would help you to plan for the worst case so you will feel stronger if he does up and move out.

My H had an affair several years ago. It's gut wrenching. Hang in there.

[Cadet]

I have a question for the guys whose wife has had an affair ( either EA or PA ). How and why did you forgive ?. I had an affair 8 years ago , we tried to work it out and even though I was not seeing the OM , I did not take what I had done seriously enough. We struggled for 3 or or so years and then he left, met someone else ( which is now over ) . I was devasted and time has really given me a perspective on how damaging and ugly my affair was. We are legally separated but not divorced and rarely talk.
Is there anything I can do to make it better with him or is it too late.

Welcome to the board even though you have been here for a long time.

I would first suggest you start your own thread so we dont hijack this one.

As far as what you can do?

Speak with ACTIONS not WORDS.

[Lynn80]

Here is a new one for me! Have you experienced this???

My husband shared that all the changes I am making (working out three nights a week, meeting new friends, going out) is in an effort to control the situation by putting him on lockdown as the babysitter. My husband works at 4am and goes to bed by 9. I acknowledged he is carrying the majority of childcare and asked that he recommend an alternative so it was equal.

I will not stop GAL but I am willing to be fair on child care.
Considering initiating one conversation to clarify it is not about him.

[lovethehub]

Tell me- in your situation were you hesitant to recommit because you still weren't feeling loved by your spouse?

I didn't trust that my H would change or that he cared about any more than he had in the previous years of hell when I thought he didn't give a sh*! about me. I never wanted to lose him and when I had the A it was out of loneliness and feeling unloved and unwanted for years. People always say "if you want to have an A why don't you just leave" but the reason is usually because you DON'T want to leave, you just make a really, really bad choice because your emotions have taken over and you need to feel loved and wanted again. I was afraid to give that up. I wanted to be with my H but the thought of giving up the feeling of being cared about again was unbearable. I had no reason to believe it would be any different. I was also really, really angry that I had asked (begged) for years to try and fix our M and he had no interest; then I was happy again and he suddenly cared? That made me so mad. I know now that it was just that he had received a wake up call but at the time it was absolutely infuriating!

My husband shared that all the changes I am making (working out three nights a week, meeting new friends, going out) is in an effort to control the situation by putting him on lockdown as the babysitter. My husband works at 4am and goes to bed by 9. I acknowledged he is carrying the majority of childcare and asked that he recommend an alternative so it was equal.

I will not stop GAL but I am willing to be fair on child care.
Considering initiating one conversation to clarify it is not about him.

Don't try to convince him otherwise because he won't believe you. However, don't ignore it either and keep doing it or he will believe it is a control thing. Just ask "How can we work out my need to workout/meet my friends/have fun/whatever with your needs? I want this to be fair for both of us because now that I am getting out again I realize how much I missed it and I don't intend to give it up.

What is your situation? Do you work? Do you have any free time? You can GAL while he is working and it can be just as effective..just talk on the phone to friends about how much fun you had while he is in the other room (but can hear you), or do some of the things when he is home and some when he is at work. If it feels like a punishment to him he will not see it as you moving on with your life, he will see it as you punishing him.

[Lynn80]

It has been a crazy ride. I work 8-5 and my husband works 330am- 2. Our son is home with a babysitter for the summer until school starts. My GAL was joining a fitness group 3x per week to meet new friends and going out once a week with new friends. He cited my time out as putting him on lock down with our son. It is just his perception as he goes out on his free nights and we rotate who babysits.

Anyways- we have had some good steps forward but are not there yet. Last week he said he wants to move out for space and to think. He said he isn't sure what he wants now. I celebrated that shift as we started at "pointless to even try"

I knew something was still stuck and tonight I overhead his phone call with the EA. seems she is starting to tell him no. He is still requesting time with her. That hurts but I am so happy to hear she is pulling away.

Can you tell me more about filling the need of the EA? He is starting to open up around friends or stories but I am unsure how much interest I show. I wait for him to share and laugh/enjoy the story. Then I leave. Sometimes I feel this keeps him seeking outside friendship.

I appreciate your thoughts lovethehub. Can't tell you how your last post really helped ground me.

[lovethehub]

I'm sorry I take so long between posts...I have a son with a medical condition that is requiring a lot of time right now but I know how hard it is waiting to know what to do. You haven't posted in a few weeks so I'm not sure if you are still here...

YOU cannot fill the needs of the EA and, as hard as it will be for you to watch, when it ends he will mourn it like the loss of any relationship. It took me a long time to get over OM even though I wanted my M to work and I was working at it. I would still have periods where I would miss him, I would cry that we couldn't be together, etc. It can also be harder because it isn't a relationship that has gone through bad times, you still only see the best in each other but you know you have to end it. You can become mournful and feel it is a lost love. None of this means you don't want to be with your spouse, it is just natural to mourn the ending of something that made you very happy.

What you can do is continue to have PMA, continue to GAL and, when you start to do things together try to remember what it was he was missing in the first place and provide that. Did he think you took control too much? Let him make choices. Did he think you were aloof? Be warm and friendly.

Let him take the lead and even when he first starts initiating contact, give a little and then pull back. It is not game playing, you just cannot overwhelm him when he is uncertain and you also need to know it is for real and that he isn't playing you. I did not completely cut off contact until I really new my H wasn't kidding and that he was no longer going to be there. All of the "I'm done" but then he wasn't did not make me end it.
You will know when you are 'done' which can change to 'not done' if you are done and he realizes what he is losing.

[Lynn80]

Perfect timing! I am still here and have found that I just wasn’t wanting to check in. I finally decided to post again and found your response! I’m sending you some extra love and gratitude for your response and hope things are going well at home.

Some really amazing things have been happening. I am warning myself to stay patient as I now want this OVER!. He has continued to pull away from the EA. Seems that she is really crushed now and occasionally calls him. He shared ( and gut feeling is I believe him) that he doesn’t want to talk to her but is not able to ignore her calls. He asked for more time and patience on her needs. It feels like he is trying to right the wrong of how hurt she is. He is still worried the new me is not here to stay and wants to move out. His response was that he wants to see if he wants to be in our house or not. He has been saying how easy it would be to just step back in and he doesn’t want to do that just because it is easy. He wants to make sure he wants it. If he misses it, then he knows he needs to work on it. The part that makes me celebrate is that he has been unable to leave this whole time. He seeks me out in the house, comes to cuddle, initiates any physical touch, compliments me on new clothes and my new shape (down 30 lbs). I recently had to travel for work and was gone for 5 days. He ran out to meet my son and I in the garage, helped us unload the car, and then came to visit me three times that evening just to chat and be close. I have another work trip all next week and am looking forward to see what else develops from the space.

Here is where I am stumped… in his request to move out, he still wants to be present at the house every day. He usually has our son after school, for dinner prep and we rotate bedtimes. Dad wants to still get son every day, come to the house and make dinner and help with bedtime. Once bedtime is over, he wants to go sleep in an apt. When I asked if I should hire a babysitter for the dates I am out in the evening for August, he said no. He would be happy to come spend the night at the house. So…………… do I draw the line and if he moves out he only sees us on his days (which makes my life harder, puts more space, and doesn’t enable him to see all the changes) or do I allow all this grey area? Part of me wants to make sure he knows he ‘cant have it all’ but drawing hard lines and making threats DEFINITELY does not help the situation. Things to ponder. He has made comments about if I don’t throw a fit about him moving out it will really prove the new me is here to stay.

I keep reflecting on your statement that until your H drew the line you were still in/out. In the past, when I have drawn the line, he will lean out. He is definitely leaning in with his actions and heart, but his mind and words are still very uncertain.

[Cristy]

Lynn80,

This is a tricky situation. I would suggest you work with your DB coach on this one.

Cristy

[Lynn80]

Great things happening. Looking for some celebration and help staying patient

One week ago the husband moved out and what I thought was a step away has become amazing. He can now ask for some space to process and when he is at the house he is happy, loving and engaged. Since giving him this space, he has started to talk about what went wrong and looking to understand why, he has started talking about a future together and tonight he recommend my son and I move in with him in his duplex rental. He has also said that he is not willing to give up his wife and child for the EA. All this in one week!

The reason I need some patience is the EA is still texting and tonight she called. I had a weak moment and turned the phone on while I angrily asked if he was going to talk to her. He hung up on her and was mad. We had a good talk and worked through our hurt/frustration. He has asked for time because feelings don't disappear over night and he wants to make sure I don't get angry/pursuant again.

We have better success when I am patient and do not draw lines. When I make demands he pulls away. I continue saying "we can not heal while she is in the picture. I want all communication to stop." He keeps saying it isn't about her but and he and I. Ugh. So hard not to react in the moment. He is most definitely coming back, opening up, and rebuilding our relationship. Wish I had a magic wand to make her disappear.

[Sotto]

Hi Lynne, I truly don't think it is possible to heal while OW is anywhere in the picture. If he is not ready to completely let her go, are you ready to work on your R? If she is still calling, texting and he hasn't enforced NC, he's not 'all in' yet. Have you looked at the Infidelity chapter in DR to see what is needed for healing to begin?

Normally the minimums are NC with OP, complete transparency, MC - then whatever else you may need. Your H may be partly there.....but he isn't all in yet, from the sound of it. I would proceed with caution and think about your own boundaries and non-negotiables.

Take care, Sotto x