So H text last night and asked to come over to play Wii with S. Now all of a sudden he is going to be super dad since he decided he wants D. I said ok that we would be home in an hour.
He comes over and is nice and telling me about his day like nothing has happened WTH.
I talk a few minutes then go about my business of watering and putting away laundry while he plays with S.
He stayed an hour or so then said he would see S tomorrow and I said oh I am sorry we will not be here tomorrow evening. He said ok and left.
Testing, testing, 1,2,3. My guess guess he is testing to see if he can have the D and still keep his family intact and you taking care of some of his needs for stability, comfort, and normality. You are his rock of normality. Just remember that as you cut the cord more and more. It may be this that wakes him up.
Glad you were not going to be there. I can't remember if he takes S so you can get out, but if not, that is a golden opportunity to say, "No, we're going to be out, but it would be great if you could take S next Tuesday so I can get out to do some things w/ friends."
It also really is time for some boundaries. "Here are the days you take S. The days you don't have S, you can ask for him, but if I agree, you take him out rather than coming to hang around the house. I'll do the same."
If he objects, you can reply that this is how it will be in D and you aren't comfortable w/ him being around in the house. You also want S to have as much contact w/ his D because that is best for S, but this needs to start transitioning to the future normal routine.
He thinks D is a good option because he is getting everything he wants. Freedom, ability to drop in mostly on his schedule and needs, and access to everyone when he wants. That's MLC heaven right there.
I know you've been moving to more assertiveness and boundaries already, but my experience is that when we start this is when we realize just how much we've been either pursuing or allowing cake eating, or facilitating bad behavior, etc. It is a process of doing step one, then realizing, that there are still things to do to curtail the dynamic, which leads to step 2. As it says on shampoo bottles, "Wash, rinse, repeat."
Good luck & enjoy your evening w/ your son wo/ H stopping by!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
You have been my rock through the last couple of days. I did do that and he was not happy last night when I told him we would not be home tonight the only thing I didn't do was suggest another time.
Do you think I should text him and ask him to take S on Friday or Saturday night so I could go out?
He told me the other day when he said he wanted D that I hadn't included him in on anything which was not true because I had asked him to go to the lake with us and on several occasions asked him to eat dinner and he said no. I reminded him of this and of course he just said it wasn't true. It just baffles me how he can say that when it is a blatant lie. I know MLC but I am just spewing my feelings right night. I wanted to reach over and shake him. Just saying.
He told me the other day when he said he wanted D that I hadn't included him in on anything which was not true because I had asked him to go to the lake with us and on several occasions asked him to eat dinner and he said no. I reminded him of this and of course he just said it wasn't true. It just baffles me how he can say that when it is a blatant lie. I know MLC but I am just spewing my feelings right night. I wanted to reach over and shake him. Just saying.
I wouldn't include him in much until you can detach yourself & get your GAL activities ramped up. And, don't you dare try to apologize or defend yourself when he pulls that moping little boy 'you don't include me anymore' crap. You really can throw a truth dart at him for that. Just give him a look of utter disbelief & say 'Really!?!' If he can't figure that out, a quick "You're divorcing me & you want me to include you in activities? That was a rhetorical question by the way."
If he really presses, just say "for right now I need my space away from you. I'm glad you want to be involved w/ your S, so let's talk about us sharing parenting duties more equitably so that you get some time w/ S & I get some time for myself?"
And on the asking him to take S, absolutely. But don't forget you need to get him on a schedule as co-parent so that it is just settled & you don't need to initiate contact.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Those are great responses and I am going to use them.
H text me this morning and asked if S could have overnight Friday so I said sure and then to make sure I am driving my bus so to speak I said I would pick him up from H's house either at 10:00a.m. on Saturday or 2:30p.m. on Saturday and H could pick which time. It used to be if H had an overnight which rarely happened I would wait around all day or to whenever H text me to tell me he was bringing S home. Not convenient for me and I am done with that.
S doesn't want to spend overnight at dad's however last weekend he was going to but H ended up calling me at 5:00 (and he had just picked him up at 3:30) and said S was ready to come home so I told H I wouldn't be there for a couple of hours.
I like the "I need space away from you" because I do and S and I are going on vacation next Wednesday thru Sunday so that should help and then S starts school and I plan to have a schedule of H picking S up from school 3 days a week and that will give him 2 1/2 hours with S and then every other weekend a visitation or overnight. S may not want to do that and normally I would say that every child needs his father but H has such explosive anger at S that I understand why S doesn't want to spend a lot of time with H.
I think the after school pick up is fine if you can take advantage of it, but why don't you suggest one of those evenings, he take S to dinner & have him back around X:00 (you pick the time). Make it a fixed evening. That way you get a longer break to do things w/ friends or do some evening activity (take an art class, do yoga, join a discussion group/book/movie group, etc.).
On the anger w/ the S, he needs to do some work, and it is not inappropriate to schedule a sit down to discuss this w/ him in a non-critical, supportive, brain-storming way. Make clear that you aren't going to lay blame, but just want to help him & your S develop a better R, esp. at this difficult time in all your lives.
You can do the same thing w/ S too. When you sit down, start w/ the I'm not here to be critical or blame. Then ask him what he thinks might improve his R w/ dad. Laugh off the inevitable comment about dad being less of an a*shole, but stick to it. He may feign indifference and lack of interest in trying, but this is just a front. He really does want desperately to improve his R w/ his dad, but because of this really painful need older kids & teens puts on the armor of indifference at a certain point. It has to be when he is in a relatively relaxed, good mood, and certainly not right after dad & he have gone at each other (if dad has blown up & he is clearly hurt, that is a fine time, but not if he is angry or resentful at dad). This one doesn't need to be planned, and is perhaps better to strike when the moment feels right.
How old is your S again?
Talk to both of them like you respect their opinion and have confidence that they can come up w/ ideas to help their sitch. Listen & validate. Compliment w/ some enthusiasm when they have a good idea. Ask questions rather that offer solutions, or offer solutions like "do you think this might help?" Let's them feel good about what they are doing and have some hope. Be realistic about this taking work.
The bonus can be that you have them feel good about collaborating w/ them.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Yeah except my H is a complete J**** right now he is unapproachable on anything. Anything I try to talk about he cuts me off and starts with yeah I am the bad guy I am the a**hole its all my fault and then the famous I am not going to listen to this sh**.
I have tried to have a normal conversation about anything with him and it immediately turns to him yelling and I an not going to talk about this or you are saying I am a bad father and I am not listening to this sh**. It is ridiculous and at this time I feel I can't approach him with anything.
If he starts a conversation and it is about him and you agree with him or he says someone is a jerk and you agree there is no yelling or if like he will say at least I am not that fat and then you can compliment him he is fine. As long as I am or S is doing what he says or agreeing with him 100% he stays calm but if you disagree or he thinks you have an opinion like I want to paint the house (which he doesn't leave in ) you get fine do whatever you want I don't care.
My car broke down and he was looking at it (it is 12 years old) so I started telling him about a preowned car I found pretty cheap and he started yelling that we had no money for that and picked up the thing you slide under the car with and put it over his head and slammed it to the garage floor breaking it, threw a flashlight across the garage and broke it and then closed his fists and eyes tight and shook and cussed.
Poor wittle man/child. He's having a temper tantrum. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, they have those little temper tantrums frequently over nothing or something minor. Just walk away and don't engage when they are acting out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is so bad that I can't say anything to him anymore. Everything I say he twists around to be something negative toward him. I literally give up. I just do the yes and no answers.
If I have any opinion or say I am going to have someone fix the house he says Whatever or we don't have any money or I will do it but not in a normal voice, he yells it. So no more, no more telling him anything. I am done being yelled at every day for his unhappiness of whatever it is.
