Today my wife said she is going to tell her parents we are struggling. I read this as a very bad sign because she does not tell her parents much.
I need to detach, I say I will but after a day or so I weaken and beg and plead with her. I hope a dialog with all of you can help me with my resolve. Any suggestions, ideas or comments would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Thanks Cadet, I'll hit the reading list tonight. I just seem to struggle implementing what I already know. The mind is willing but the flesh is weak. If anyone has techniques that work in moments of weakness I'd love to hear them.
Hi mutatio I am by no means an expert but I am going through this terrible time so I do rally feel for you.
The biggest thing that I have come to realise is that no matter what you think you can change your W will do what she feels is right by her.
The mindset of someone who is thinking about leaving and someone who has left is very different
Detachment is the key and it is on the rules ...rad the rules over and over and try to stick to them it is not easy but it does help.
My w has told me several times now that she will not be getting back with me I have to accept this right now is how she feels I really do not know if her feelings will ever change I doubt it ......my W is Very strong willed some of my friends are starting to call her tough she has made up her mind
I really hope that you get a good outcome for your situation
Keep reading the rules try and detach
Take care my friend
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thank you Ghost. When I read your words tears were forming. Please know I feel your pain. It seems to me that detaching from the one you love is as bad emotional pain as it gets. I really struggle, like an addict trying to kick the habit.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
When you first get here ... its in a panic. Cadets list is no accident nor is it a ... 'hey check this out when you get time' ... you have to read it ... more than once. There is a TON there, and even more to really digest and process but you have to change your mind set, this is paramount.
Then start with the basics .. Detach .. GAL.. 180-Rinse and Repeat.
I tried writing this several times but it's tough.
One thing that helped to focus my mind is that there is something more to detachment than just pulling away. Distracting yourself, GAL. You have to shift your heart, your mind into a new place.
Your marriage is over.
Let that sink in.
You will act as if you can save it, and you will do so as if you are back in a place where there was a healthy relationship. There is not. She has been cutting those bonds for years in her heart.
What you want is a new marriage. One that's really amazing. Right now, it's to her. Maybe you go through this and you find someone else. Maybe it can't work. You have to start thinking of her as a friend that you want to pursue. The more you try and fix this like a husband, the more you will weaken yourself and push her away.
Attraction --> Acceptance --> Meeting needs
That's the road to falling in love. It works the other way too.
We stop meeting their needs, they stop meeting ours. We stop accepting each other. Then the attraction dies. You can't meet her needs right now. That's what we focus on as husbands. You have to start back at attraction.
What is attractive about a man? Inner Strength. Leadership. Courage. Yes you have to look good, but those things will breed attraction. By pulling away, you find your center again. The strong man you used to be. Become independent immediately. Practice validation, work on yourself, become strong, GAL.
A leader is fun to be around. A leader is confidant in himself A leader is Charismatic and loose A leader is loving to others and treats them well A leader is a provider, not just of money but enjoyment.
Hardest thing I have ever had to do, but that's what will make you human again, strong, confident, happy, and attractive no matter what happens. That was the man she fell in love with. He is still in you, but life has a way of locking it down.
I don't want to sound harsh, but if I had heard this at the beginning, and really understood it, I would be in such better shape right now. I believe in you, and we are in pain that cannot be described, pain that disables the best of our character, but in that pain are the helping hands, the ones that work on us.
Have courage, you are not alone.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I tried writing this several times but it's tough.
One thing that helped to focus my mind is that there is something more to detachment than just pulling away. Distracting yourself, GAL. You have to shift your heart, your mind into a new place.
Your marriage is over.
Let that sink in.
You will act as if you can save it, and you will do so as if you are back in a place where there was a healthy relationship. There is not. She has been cutting those bonds for years in her heart.
What you want is a new marriage. One that's really amazing. Right now, it's to her. Maybe you go through this and you find someone else. Maybe it can't work. You have to start thinking of her as a friend that you want to pursue. The more you try and fix this like a husband, the more you will weaken yourself and push her away.
Attraction --> Acceptance --> Meeting needs
That's the road to falling in love. It works the other way too.
We stop meeting their needs, they stop meeting ours. We stop accepting each other. Then the attraction dies. You can't meet her needs right now. That's what we focus on as husbands. You have to start back at attraction.
What is attractive about a man? Inner Strength. Leadership. Courage. Yes you have to look good, but those things will breed attraction. By pulling away, you find your center again. The strong man you used to be. Become independent immediately. Practice validation, work on yourself, become strong, GAL.
A leader is fun to be around. A leader is confidant in himself A leader is Charismatic and loose A leader is loving to others and treats them well A leader is a provider, not just of money but enjoyment.
Hardest thing I have ever had to do, but that's what will make you human again, strong, confident, happy, and attractive no matter what happens. That was the man she fell in love with. He is still in you, but life has a way of locking it down.
I don't want to sound harsh, but if I had heard this at the beginning, and really understood it, I would be in such better shape right now. I believe in you, and we are in pain that cannot be described, pain that disables the best of our character, but in that pain are the helping hands, the ones that work on us.
Have courage, you are not alone.
SOLO15, Very well put!
I keep a journal of meaningful thoughs or quotes, writings, etc. This is going in there! Thank you for that!
Your words are wise and I do not want to believe them I along with others cling onto what ever we can but the sinking feeling just keeps pulling us down I guess it is like walking on quicksand nothing is going to stop the inevitable
Hard to take in and accept but I do not think you are wrong
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
