Exactly what AZ said. And do not look behind the shoulder if she is looking, she will be, but in any case you are doing it for yourself.
YOU CANNOT NICE YOUR W BACK. No amount of nice actions, chocolate, flowers and jewelry will bring her back. She has turned off the emotions towards you. I am guessing that if you touch her, she pulls away. She has checked out of the marriage at least a year before she bombed you, and possibly more. In hindsight you will probably be able to tell when things started to look fishy.
I am not saying that you are without blame for the destruction of the marriage, own your $hit and work on it. Now you have time to fix you for (gues who) YOU!
A confident man is sexy as hell (so I'm told) and it helps confidence to be smartly dressed, wear the good cologne, be groomed and show her that you can take care of yourself. Fix your place up, learn to cook some (if you haven't already), do stuff that will make her wonder, but as I said, do not look over your shoulder if she is looking. Believe me, she will be. And no, you will not see short term results from her side, but you will be starting feeling better about yourself and that is what it is all about.
You have to detach from her to the point that you aren't triggered by her actions, it is hard as hell, but you can get there. And do not try to rush into a new relationship of any kind, totally not god for you. You have to come to the place of knowing that you will be OK, even if you do not get back with your W.
Give yourself time, you have to grieve the relationship that is gone and buried, but perhaps you can build a new relationship with your W.
Again, get your a$$ in gear and start growing, a little bit at the time, just start and then keep up the pace. Wonderful things start happening and you will start feeling better and you will get that feeling of being alive back.
Huddy when I said how do you loose the attraction what I meant was how do I stop my feelings towards her how do I switch things off 25 years together and 17 years M .....she has lost her feelings towards me but this took her a few years of feeling resentment towards me apparently
If I did not find her attractive If I did not love my W then this would be easy
Back to reading the detach thread
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi Ghost, I think detachment is a journey and not a destination. The journey is about recognising that 'life' is not all about your wife. It is about building up interests separate from your M, which help you focus on things other than your sitch. It won't help your sitch if you think of it all your waking hours.
It's not about not loving your W - more about not linking your own happiness to her just now. It takes time, patience and GAL though. Are you making GAL plans??
Sotto xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
do more arround the house show her I care for her show her she still means the world to me ??
This will do the opposite of getting her attracted to you. She doesn't want to be M to you! And you are going to knock yourself out proving she still means the world to you?
Nobody said this would be easy. As long as you dwell on how attracted you are to her, it just makes it more difficult. You can pretend, can't you?
We understand what you're saying about the unfairness, but it doesn't cause her feelings to change just b/c it's not fair to the baby.
You have to change gears. Think and act differently. Change the dynamics of how things stand at the moment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you all so much for your help it has been a very difficult couple of days I am seeing my dr tomorrow and will be looking at contacting relate to see if they can help me as well
I will keep working on detaching I really do not have any choice anyway
Once again thank you
Without the support from you guys and girls I do not know where I would be
It's a long road and it's hard as hell ....
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I see your advice about reattracting the W. How do u do this when u r going through a divorce when financials and custody create such an adversarial environment? Sorry to hijack.
You laminate Sandi guidelines and follow them. On my sitch I marked myself out of 10 on each one and tracked it monthly.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
