Need some advice - before we finalize the school year time sharing schedule we are still going by what we agreed upon from May. Every week he calls or texts me what the plans are for the coming week. We set the schedule for Monday night, Tuesday and Thursday night, every other week he wants to change it.
Just got a text asking what the plans are My reply: mom, tues and Thursday night H: why not Monday - Thursday?
I want to reply without starting a fight. It is too crazy for my 4 year old to be gone almost all week. He works until 7:00 Monday and Wednesday so I would pick him up from school and do dinner and he basically just goes with him to go to bed. Help! How can I reply to him??
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Well before I could text back he called me all up in arms about me telling him he was only getting S4 two nights this week. I very calmly apologized for him reading my text that way but no the regular schedule still stands. He apologized for misinterpreting the TM and calmed down. Even though it wasn't the best convo of the day it was a change in communication. & behavior. I set a boundary about a month ago that I did not want to communicate via text because he never reads my tone right, phone only. I am proud of him for calling me instead of continuing to spew at me.
Good thing? Maybe what I am doing is slowly working?
Next goal is going to be to somehow get him to call and talk to his son when he goes 4 days without seeing him! Maybe I need to just ask him to do that?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Shuley - thanks for the advice. I guess it didn't cross my mind because this was something I did when we were married and I would get the shove off because he was at work and couldn't take the 2 minute call. So didn't want to do more of the same? I will give it a shot on Wednesday (next night he doesn't have him) and see how it goes.
Cadet - I just get confused with "is it working?" "don't get your hopes up" but I can see this is what Michelle was talking about not missing the little things. Thanks
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
The only way to measure is it working is over time and in how you judge things.
Find a measure and measure it. And track it.
At one stage my WH was having three or four rants a day. So I decided to try different strategies to see what happened, starting with a 180. I no longer "screaming banshee" merely STFU and walked away. Initially this shocked WH and it worked, he didn't know what to do, then he started following me even to the toilet. So I recorded it, it stopped. We went from 4 rants a day to a couple a week, and he did these in front of others. In the end he just seethed and did idiotic passive aggressive stuff. Every once in a while he would blow and I split. He learned if he did this I would leave, so it started late at night or if I had a drink and couldn't drive. I stopped drinking and still left. I adjusted my 180 strategy and ended up with a rant a month.
Another one was if I wanted WH to buy groceries, I attaboy like crazy each time. That worked too. The measure was how many times WH got groceries.
WH complained he didn't get the food he wanted, I asked for a list and stuck to it for his stuff. Whereas before I thought I do the shopping, I will choose what I think would please him, I am not making WH happy. What a terrible W I am. The list worked, if he wanted it amended he amended it. The complaints stopped. His happiness on this issue is down to him. The measure the number of complaints.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/10/1508:51 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I had the pick-up of S4 all planned out in my head. I was going to be cool and breezy, ask how his work was going since he had mentioned getting to do more responsibilities, etc. last time we talked. Didn't quite go as planned...I did stay cool and calm though
I will paraphrase most of the convo. I did ask about work and he filled me in a little and I was excited for him and validated his enthusiasm. Then right on que he states that he will be keeping him until Thursday night. Remember from earlier posts that he does this every other week even though that is not the schedule we created but the one he wanted.
H: Your text said yes to those days and when I called you that is what you said
M: No the text agreed with your pick-up time for tonight and I said Tuesday and Thursday also. I can see how the confusion can be really frustrating.
H: I am frustrated! You keep changing things and now you want to re-do the schedule for when school starts. Two days a week doesn't work for me.
M: I can see that you are upset. Just to be clear I proposed one option and even though it is 2 overnights it is actually 4 days a week.
H: Well those times don't work with my schedule and it isn't good enough for me
M: Is this about what works for you or what is best for S? This is what divorce does to families. (I am super calm and collected. You can see the anger come across his face that I am not backing down) Pause M: Those were just my ideas for the school year. It is really important to me that he have as much continuity and stability as possible during the school week. Are we on the same page on that?
H: yes we are but I just got my schedule set with work and now it is changing again
M: Your work schedule doesn't have to change that is why Dr. C (mediator) wanted you to bring ideas. I am sure we will nail down a schedule on Tuesday.
H: I can't be (I honestly think he does not know how to see a way out of this problem and wants the way he wants it and that is that)
At that point I drank a STFU smoothie and was done with the conversation. This clearly has to be resolved with a mediator and not just the two of us. I let him know that if the extra night this week was really important to him then I would be happy to give that to him. Kissed S good-bye and told him good night.
so did I mess up? I thought I did pretty good just validating and truth darting him. Part of me thinks the giving in was the 'nice guy' thing us LBS do.
I am not sure if this will set me back but part of doesn't care anymore because I stood up for what I think is best for our son and not just what is easy. At this point that is the only thing that matters to me anymore.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
