Another evening of more conversation. Started with H looking through the mortgage payments. H said that why did it take me to realise he was going to walk, for me to change. Why didn't I do this 5 years earlier. I knew I didn't like the arguments, shouting etc and I still comtinued to do this. I said that I made changes in this area. H said he doesn't believe the changes I made a few years ago and now.
Said OW1 and OW2 are just friends. I validated and agreed that this was my aha moment. Said that H didnt make it clear what he terms my emotional abuse and bullying. Said it took him months to get over that and what happened with OM. Said he did tell me but I didn't listen. I guess I didn't.
He will always love me but we would never be together In that way again. Gave me some details about OWs and said that he only told them he loves them in a way friends do. (I did not give him details how I knew). Said Ow2 will never leave her partner. said that he loves them as they made him valuable and accepted. Said that I was to blame for the demise of M. I said I take 50% of the responsibility for all the [censored] he put me through I did it for 'better and worse'.
Said he still doesn't trust me and feels that I will become 'abusive' to him again.
said loads of things I shouldn't of, and not the things I should.
Smothy, none of this really matters but I have to share this story.
One time I was interviewing with a high up manager for a prestigious spot. He was a total ball buster in the interview. He kept asking these questions that were designed to make me feel insufficient, defensive, or inadequate.
Now, I am a superstar. I can't say for a fact that there can't possibly be a better qualified candidate, but it was an internal interview and I was far and away the best of everyone else I knew had applied, in fact in a league of my own. Still, he kept trying to undermine my confidence with these bizarre and extreme challenging questions. He might as well have asked "Have you ever climbed mount Everest? Can you hold your breathe 30 minutes?" I mean, they were impossible and irrelevant.
At first it worked, it kind of rattled me...then I realized something- I don't have to be perfect to get the job, I just have to be the best qualified candidate. Because there was no way he had another candidate interviewing that could answer all his questions the way he was implying he wanted them answered. I remember basically telling him that. I didn't say "Hey, I haven't done all that bs, and if you are comparing me to an imaginary candidate that has done all of that then I guess I'm not going to measure up, but if you're going to compare me with other interested applicants that actually applied for this position, I think I'll stack up pretty well and have a lot to offer". Again, I said it without saying it.
Why do I bring this up? Your WAH is right. You have room to grow. You're not perfect. You have probably been unpleasant, controlling, argumentative, and diminishing at times. I can understand his desire for someone that is supportive, accepting, and sexy while we're at it...but here's the thing...as long as he's comparing you to this idealistic notion of what his dream woman would look like you're never going to measure up...BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T EXIST! And while you are doing well to step up your game and become a wife only a fool would leave, you'll never be perfect and nothing you did justifies his behavior.
The idea of comparing your spouse, evaluating them, then firing them if they don't live up to your standards...that's not exactly taught in "being a good spouse 101". So while there is always a grain of truth in the feedback and I'm glad you're willing to filter his spew and look at what YOU feel applies for YOU, don't let it hurt that he's upset you're human. And while you're a flawed human, YOU DIDN'T WALK. That counts for something...like everything. How much good will it do him to find some woman that he believes is perfect, until the honeymoon is over, only for her to BD him 5 years later and list his imperfections and how she deserves better...good luck to him!
Love your progress, even when you feel like you're backsliding your progressing because you wouldn't have known this 6 months ago. Keep going!
PS- I got the *#&(& job
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Love your progress, even when you feel like you're backsliding your progressing because you wouldn't have known this 6 months ago. Keep going!
Hi Smothy,
I’m just swinging by to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wow, Zues nailed it spot-on!!
Hang in there . . . you will make it.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So, you're 50% to blame? So, who's responsible for the other 50%? Oh yeah, that'll be right, it's you H. Boo hoo for H. Start talking, stop fighting Smoothy's H!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Py, I don't believe the 11th hour reprieve either. H made it very clear last night that he see no changes, demise of M my fault.
I have spent the last few nights tearful. Beginning to realise that for me trying to hold on is causing me more pain. I have this thought in my head on Friday, when I get on that plane that I will be letting go completely. Yes, it will hurt but I think for my own sanity I need to do this.
I was foolish in believing that being back may help that was why I was scared to rock the boat. Since I have been back, H has given me lies on lies. I have sometimes been too reactive and given H more justification for D. Last night was a prime example.
I am beginning to think too much damage has been done now for us to try and mend this.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Zues, Well done on the job ;-) I liked your story.
Definitely agree that progress has been made. I am feeling low and tearful, but no where near the state I was before where I was filled with an overwhelming sense of anxiety.
I can see that I will be ok, and in a way beginning to see how unhealthy our M was.
H says he is not looking for a R with someone new right now and OWs gives him the comfort and support he needs. He just knows he doesn't want me and our M and my bullying behaviour.
I am perplexed at how H keeps coming back to this. H said he was to scared to challenge my behaviour when I asked him why did he not let me know. Said I should of known as all my friends could see this and even a friend told him to give me a 'good slap'. Said to me if a good friend says that about you, what does it say about you as a person.
Can't believe he is using my friend's comments as justification for a D.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
you/we really need to stop trying to make sense of this behaviour. They are crazy. This is another way of looking what I have been talking about. For me, the process of thinking myself out of a rut, thinking about what I have and what I might have, and then thinking about "OW".
In my relatively lame, pathetic case, I feel bad. It is challenging to stay with this thought process once I get to this point of thinking about OW. Let alone actually think about OW. The guilt is on several levels. BUT - I can tell myself at least that hey. My W fired me in Jan. This helps but by no means fixes my problem.
So - for them - the WASs, this conflict must be astronomical! So much so that I think us trying to rationalise it WHAT they say - is just a waste of time. I think this the real take home message of "nothing of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see".
what he says about you, your role - you have already taken what you need. For the most part it is just [censored] anyway. Leave it where it belongs.
It would be interesting to know how these WASs end up. I can't fathom how they can continue this way. But then again, I have known a few and they seem to be resolute that their behaviour was rational, the situation was irrational. There is some truth to that perspective I suppose.
I suspect they end up all sorts of ways. As many as us LBSs even. I do feel compassionate for my W sometimes that she doesn't even know how she is damaging herself, her karma. But the reality is that there is no reason for me to believe that she will do anything other than enjoy the rest of her life to the fullest. I should be equally as compassionate and grateful should this be the case. truthfully, this hurts. More so than the alternative that she will regret this etc. This is yet another hurdle.
Look after you. Fort him for now. You need a break. Come back to it when you are stronger, more detached, etc. BTW - even his comments "that you haven't changed", amidst his "we're just friends" but we [censored] and say I love you - this is just childish bullshit. a writer in a movie would garner this exact relationship conversation to demonstrate what a deranged idiot the other person is. Smoth - don't listen to him!!
-Py
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Very low key today, went out for the day with a friend. Came back and for the first time H did not ask where I was or how was my day.
He went into his room to 'work' and I went to pack. Civil so all is good. Did not think of situation or H while out, really took it off my mind :-)
friend wants 'more' but told him I am not in that place and this is all I can give him.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
all really good - until last sentence - bummer Smoth. you've got enough on your plate to not even need bother with fending them off. Keep on with the PMA.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
