TLEE86 Part IV

[TLEE86]

I should be proud of her, happy for her, and I am. But I am also a crying hot mess.

She sold our truck, our beloved Tacoma. She didnt tell me, but she posted this long blurb on her blog about selling it and how I was really helpful in helping her pay for it and how she was nervous because I'm her safety net in everything but this time she did it on her own. She mentioned that she needs to talk to me and let me know about selling it but i just texted her instead when i read it.

i said "I just wanted to say Congratulations. I saw your post about getting a new car and I am very proud of you for doing that on your own. I am sure you were really nervous about getting one on your own but again, I am proud of you W."

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She actually did it. She got her own car with her own credit and her own payments. I should be happy for her, proud of her..instead I just see it as one more step of her moving on. This is her first, very first big girl decision and she made it. All by herself, at least for the most part. Yet Im just in tears and thinking that its just really over. I havent talked to her in 2 weeks, NC at all from either side, so I guess she's ready.

I should be happy for her. But I cant get over her. I have taken down every picture of her, and havent reached out to her at all. I am trying to date online, but its just not working. Im just on the floor bawling, when I should be happy for her that she made a big girl decision and she is doing it on her own. She has a job, not a great one, but she has one, and has her own vehicle in her own name.

I should be happy for her. But Im just in tears.

[TLEE86]

I want to send this to her...it hurts so much right now.
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i hate you. I hate you so much. You abandoned us. Me, the dogs. Everything. It was so easy for you to just walk away from it all. From everything we have ever shared. From our house, our dogs, our car, everything. And you ran away to somebody else. And it was so easy for you. To forget about everything. To just leave us all behind.

Im the one that has to deal with looking at our stuff everyday. our furniture, our dogs, everything. even the small things we bought together when you were here in texas. you don't have to be reminded of anything. just your new life.

We both came into this relationship with nothing. And we built everything we own together, through blood sweat and alot of tears, both happy and sad. But you [censored] left me. You left everything behind. And its me that has to try and heal myself, to heal this broken family. I gave everything I ever had to this marriage. But you left. And its me that has to deal with everything.

I tried so hard. To be what you needed me to be. But i just wasn't enough. I hate you so much. for doing this to me, to us, to our dogs, to our family.

I always asked you if you would ever leave, if i died in afghanistan what would you do, where you would go. if you'd ever get over me. And you always said no you'd never get over me, that you'd buy a house somewhere and live by yourself with our dogs and just be there. That it would take you forever to get over me. But now i know thats false, that it took you 3 months while I was gone to get over me. To move on. And I'm left to pick up the pieces.

All I wanna do is never wake up again. i have no friends and family here. everyone here is just an acquaintance that i cant even talk to about anything serious. the one friend i have here, the one good friend that knows whats going on, is leaving on monday to go to georgia and he wont be back. you say you were alone, you don't know the meaning of being alone. This is alone. me, myself, and our dogs with our furniture knowing you aren't coming back. knowing that i just congratulated you on your car and will not hear from you.

I hate you so much. But in reality i know i don't. I love you. And theres nothing i can do about it.

[HeavyD]

So much pain in that letter. I am glad you got it out of your system. Do not send her this of course. It is just good to get it purged. Type it up and print it out and burn it. That is just an example of a ritual that will help you get over this chitty experience.

I did that - did it help anything, I don't know but I felt better after I did it.

Keep on keeping on TLEE

[bravo61]

I feel your pain TLee.

I'm in the same boat but on the other side of the divorce line. I sure hope it gets better too but it hasn't yet. No advice just support.

[Avanti]

I feel your pain TLee, as will many.

Here's some tough love though, get yourself back on the DB line. Re read the book(s), read the success stories, the inspirational forum threads In the DB Archives

GAL, stop making it about her and decide what you want to do with your life and focus on you

Become that great guy that you know is inside you and you will feel so much better.

If the R with your W recovers, great!

If it doesn't that's great too as you will be a far better person regardless and so you'll find someone who truly values you and that R will go on forever.

This is tough stuff I know, but sitting around not taking positive action will only make you feel worse, no matter how many say they "feel your pain".

[TLEE86]

Beagley, Bravo, HeavyD- thank you. It was a really rough night and continues to be as I face the reality of it.

WW actually called me this morning and we talked for about an hour. I just told her I was proud of her for getting her own car all by herself and everything and she seemed pretty happy about herself with doing it herself- as she should be, her first real big decision and she made it.

I did bring up whether or not she was planning on filing, and she said it is something that she plans to do, but she knows that if she does it will affect both of us- meaning I would have to go find another house and I would take a pay cut, and she would lose benefits and stuff.

But I told her W, I don't want to stay married because of benefits or forcing me to move, I want to stay married because we want to stay married not because of what it can offer. And I told her that she knows where I stand on our M and I know where she stands, but I told her that I feel like we never gave our M a chance, and that for the 3.5 years we've been married, I was gone for 13months with deployment and Ranger School and we've been separated for 10months so we never were really together long, that its easy for us to go live separate lives but at some point, we've both been through 2 marriages in less than 7 years...and that for me, its time to start looking at myself instead of the other person.

And she just told me that well maybe we can discuss all those things when I get up there. And I asked her if she would consider a mediator, not necessarily to figure out how to split things, but to help us figure out if this is the right path for both of us, knowing that she also likes to shut off when we have deeper conversations so the mediator will help there too. And she said she'd think about it.
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I guess the advice I am asking for from all of you is, without a mediator, what am I even supposed to talk to her about? If there even is anything to talk about....I feel like every things been said, and that it will just be me saying how i feel about the M, and she will say how she feels, and that will be it. There wont be anyone there to ask the hard questions of..is this the right path, did we really give this marriage everything, etc etc. It will just be a he-said she-said. But she's wanting to talk about things, but Im not sure if she's really wanting to talk, or just discuss the steps that we will be taking in the future...im trying to face that my marriage is really over...and that the "reality" that hits her...may not exactly be a bad one. But then again, she hasn't even made a car payment yet on her car, or done any of these things, so she really hasn't quite had to experience "the consequences of leaving."

I just don't know what we would even discuss.

[Avanti]

Glad you didn't take offence TLee86.

Continuing in the very direct vein, it sounds like your conversations with your W are collective monologues with neither of you listening to the other, a common feature of a couple with a relationship seemingly heading in the wrong direction.

A mediator is a fine idea as they will keep things level and ensure neither of you over imposes themselves on the conversation.

What I'd suggest you do before you get into one of the sessions, or have another conversation with your wife, is to study on how to listen and really hear what your wife is saying to you. Stop thinking about what you are going to say next and focus on every word she is saying. Also look further into Validation on this forum. It could be that by simply using your ears twice as much as your mouth you might find your wife opening up and if you are smart will use the clues she gives you to get your R back on track.

Finally, when was the last time you read the DR book? From what you have said above, it would seem that the answer is "too long ago" and you need to remedy that pronto!

[Zelda09]

Hi TLEE,

I am thinking of you. Please be careful.
Wish there was more I can say, to help, but my own head is such a mess. I am just wishing you strength.

[Avanti]

TLEE86, you've gone very quiet, are you OK?

[TLEE86]

Hi, thank you for checking in. Quick update, bullet point style as C used to say.

- Work is going very well, I can actually say that I really enjoy going to work now. I love being in charge of Soldiers and its very enjoyable. I actually look forward to the work week.

- I hired an interior decorator to redo the entire downstairs of my house. Somewhat pricey, but it'll make me feel better and I could use the new things without WW's memories attached to them all. Im planning on hosting a BBQ at the end of September when everything is complete.

- I started online dating. Its...interesting..pretty hit or miss...have a couple "dates" lined up but to be completely honest I'm not exactly thrilled or feeling the butterflies about them as Id hoped/wanted. But maybe in time. Right now its just difficult because as I said before, I just compare everyone to WW, how she looks, how she acts, talks etc etc. But one day...

- I'm going up to see WW in about 2 weeks. Pretty nervous, not entirely sure how its going to go. She's been texting me every now and then about when I'll be there, and if we can swap dogs for a few nights. Honestly it feels like were co-parenting dogs. She wants our Shepherd for a couple nights and I'll be taking our Golden from her for the same days. Is it weird that I don't know if I want her to take him? Not because of her, but because of OM? I feel like he's MY dog, not OM's...I don't want OM to even touch my dog, to even try and be friendly with him...because its MINE. Also because she abandoned us....why should she get to play with him like everything is fine and then go back to her life with OM?

- Besides a few texts here and there about my visit up there, we've both gone pretty dark, NC. There's really nothing to say. She did post something interesting on her blog the other day, but my IC quickly shot me down.

WW said "I saw a picture of you and almost cried. I had to distract myself. Your smile. Your laugh."

I told this to IC and she just said...yes in that second WW was thinking about you, but what about all the other hours in the day? How many times have you cried over her?

^^ point taken. As hard as it is, I try not to read into those things anymore. Because there really is nothing left to say to WW. NC is getting easier, only because until she gives up her current life style, what else can I say to her?

Nervous about seeing her, nervous about how its gonna go, what were gonna say, how I'm gonna feel...