I had the weirdest lucid dream last night, I dreamed I had a huge wound with lots of dead skin. There were maggots in it and one of the maggots had WH face, it said (weird huh?) "I am only eating the dead flesh, this will make you better".
Well V, Carl Jung will have a lot to say on this, but I also had some dreams about STBX and bugs. Two.
One, we were in a school system, and we were getting along quite well, I was hopeful of our M again, and I went to the restroom, and I saw a large cyst, squeezed, and a large white worm came out and landed on the floor. I tried to kill it, but was unsuccessful and it multiplied and chased me. #2, STBX and I were getting along fabulously naked, 'repairing' things, and when I came out of the bathroom, there was an alien creature creeping out from under his bed, something like a 30 lb scorpion coming toward me. When I smashed it, many smaller bugs came flying out, still moving toward me. Like a bad video game in reverse. Every time I tried to kill the bad thing in the room, it morphed.
I think I would rather have ones that don't talk to me. But similarities are interesting...creepy and crawly, something sinister trying to prey upon our bodies.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
First off, V...creepy dream. I can understand but wow...I would've had trouble sleeping.
I LOVE your list from a few pages back. I may have said this to you already or on my own post, but the single most cathartic part of the whole D experience for me was throwing away cards XH had given me where he had written sappy sweet stuff that no longer means what it once did. XH was a tad bit of a hoarder, so anything that he didn't bother to take the time to pack and take with him, I pitched. If he couldn't be bothered to pack, I'm sure as heck not spending my time and money to pack it up and mail it to him. To heck with that! It was such a totally amazing feeling to just carry bag after bag out to the trash. And, I, like you, put up all the pictures of us together and memorabilia from our marriage. I didn't throw those things away, but put them out of sight where I don't have to think about them. When I moved to the new place, I have some of the same artwork, but most of it is stuff I had before we got married anyway, so it was mine all along. This process helped me work through a LOT of stuff.
Now, after that long rambling bit, I wanted to address the question you posed on my thread asking what the this Dawn would say to the old Dawn and vice versa. I'm not sure I can give a good, coherent answer to that right this second, but I'm certainly going to think about it because it is worth really examining. Very thought-provoking question, my dear V and one that I WILL get back to you on after I have some time to think about it and see what direction my mind leads. I can tell you that one thing I would tell the re-emerging Dawn is to tread cautiously because, while I'm not ruling out finding love again, I will NOT be fooled again. Not worth it and I can't afford to give another 9 years of my life to another person who claims to be true and loving but can walk away to another person without even batting an eye. Thanks for giving me something to ponder while I finish up organizing my spare room tomorrow and getting my artwork and stuff hung on the walls.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think this is releasing poisons, things that are 'getting under the skin'.
It's interesting that my mind perceives WH as feeding on dead flesh. It's also interesting that once in the open, your own nasty squiggles have shrunk but multiplied and chase you.
Girlfriend I am sending you a flame thrower!
On that note, I have been Eat, Glow, Nourish programme, healing my body from the inside. From the bottom of my cavern. I haven't lost weight but that wasn't the aim, the aim was healing, that is on hold until my body heals itself. I am starting gentle exercise, sunshine, music, reading and sleeping as therapy. My big boil is healing, and I have no acne, my hair has stopped dropping, no mouth ulcers or cold sores. What a charmer huh!
Meditation is very draining for me so I am merely on mindfulness. I am convinced less introspection, more GAL and outward focus is needed.
I find posting here, very good for my outwards focus, in addition it gives me reflection time to consider other view points and assess them for validity and application. I feel it has certainly helped my communication skills and clarify my writing. Especially when I am misunderstood, can't be a bad thing. When I am internalising my post ratio V: others drops considerably which is a guide for me, that I have work to do. I try to keep the ratio 1:8 or 10, one post for me ten to others.
Also, some of the posters here have delicious humour, and silliness emerges. This appeals to the Englishness of me.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/09/1510:34 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Following your post, WH cards will be ceremonially shredded, then burned and the ashes scattered. In my own cleansing ceremony.
Are you sure your WH and mine weren't identical twin brothers? Hoarding was WH issue, he was convinced he had only a car full of stuff, I think he had two storage units full, that was without furniture. I am still finding more, not much mind you but little bits and pieces.
My WH was a liar and a cheat, a huge big fat one. That's harder to cleanse as those lies and cheats are being cleared too.
Out it goes.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Today was a very difficult day, for no reason but it was. The little I did took great energy. I did not feel like going out.
Days like to day I feel lost, tired and aged. Without energy. I do very little.
I wa once a vibrant woman, alive active slim and interesting. On days like today I feel like a shell. It's trauma I know so.
The Fins are getting me down, I am deeper and deeper in debt, drowning sometimes. Living on credit cards and really struggling with small things.
I know if WH had stayed around much longer I would be completely destroyed vindicating his views.
I can't sleep tonight. Perhaps it's because I am cleansing that this is emerging. I wrote my will today and I also sorted my Brighton flat. Some guests had stayed and left the freezer door open, it was full of ice and every item of food in it had to be discarded. More cost I can do without!
I discovered my replacement TV doesn't have Plex on it so much of my equipment won't work. I dug out an old Chromecast to see if that would resolve my issue and researched some hacks for the Samsung TVs. Haven't had a chance to test any of it. Only 4 hours before work and travel.
It will get better, I believe it. It will take time.
So much to do.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Vanillia. Today is a new day Your still and always will be a strong vibrant interesting person and on top of that your kind , caring , intelligent and wonderful to know
If your knowledge of Scooby was more accurate you would be perfect !!!! !
Roller coaster V and nothing we can do but hang on.
Fins are obviously a worry but life has a way of sorting these things out Any news on the sale of the big house ?
I did a mental toughness course earlier this year and the instructor advised that when we describe a situation to add at the beginning or end "for now". This simple message started to change the way I would describe things, feel about things.
You are indeed healing Lady V, and as I know from my experience the physical toll can be exhausting. You are right to be kind to yourself and to recognise that the cleanse is detoxifying physically, psychologically and emotionally. Ride this wave of the low, there is always up, that is a universal principal.
You have provided so much healing love and light to me Lady V, and from across the planet, I send you mine. I think I read you advise (maybe Fogg about positive love and light coming from his tummy). Well here is mine to you radiating from my imperfect wee tummy button (so recently surgeically enhanced. (Oh dear crazy images racing around my head now).
