as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 2)

[lonelee]

IMO ... (disclaimer coming) and I'm new here and have been honest and upfront that i'm not always doing exactly text book DB but i'm trying what portions i think pertain to my situation and trying tid bits here and there. Read my posts and you will see i have talked about "Making Coffee" or having SR with my spouse on here a little.

We have still been seeing each other on and off since April when he moved out. I too worried how "Making Coffee" would make me feel after knowing that the time together after would never be long enough for me. However I find that I am not a wreck after. i am peaceful, happy, and satisfied.

I struggle with the fact that prior to separation i had been trying to do things better where he was concerned knowing that i often had neglected that part of our marriage because many of my needs were not being met. He had an affair / having an affair and i own my responsibility in the demise of of our marriage.

I struggle because before I found DB I had figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by changing my habits. before learning of 180 i had become more aggressive with asking for what i wanted, changed my wardrobe some, wore sexy nighties, thongs and started texting him flirty messages and sending sexy pictures etc. I got his attention back big time.

NOW I come here and learn about the 180's and figure i cant change that again can I ? or does that seem like it was just a temporary move to get him back... Im actually enjoying the changes myself because it is what I actually wanted as well i just couldn't express my needs well enough for him to understand and vise versa for him.

Im not sure what your sit are like FOGG or ASITIS but i wanted to share that you maybe able to "make coffee" with your spouses and still walk away feeling confidant, happy and refreshed. I know I do and i often wonder what he is thinking after because not once have I cried or even stayed for a cuddle after or spent the night with him since. I take him and leave him just like a man would do.. oops that wasn't nice to say... i take him and leave him just like a strong willed, confidant, sexy woman who's enjoying it for what it's worth.

Im hoping that he is left wondering where my emotions are at. but I wont ask.. not gonna do it.

[asitis]

Oh, I would feel confident and refreshed, but I don't think it is a good idea to initiate. If my W initiated, I'd definitely strongly be tempted to accept. The difference is that being the LBS, it is almost certainly a bad idea to be the initiator unless there were clear signals, and even then it may not be a good idea. You are the LBS, so you accepting your H's advances is different (it's not pursuit for one). Also, to be frank, I really think with most women, especially if they are harboring anger, are not going to be likely to take an advance well compared to a man who just seems unsatisfied and wanting some freedom.

My W is not even wanting to be moderately affectionate with hugs or holding hands.

So I don't think Fogg or I are all that concerned that it would be a bad idea to accept an offer, but that we know that unless someone comes up for a good DBing reason for it, it seems to go against the DB approach.

BTW, I read your sitch & posted some things.

And I have never heard making coffee used as a euphemism for sex. I'm going to remember that one.

[Fogg]

Agree, accepting the offer is completely different than initiating one. Since my sitch has started in Dec the only physical contact me and W have had is 1 single hug that I initiated. There's not really even been the occasional brush up against each other walking through narrow walkways. So if she were to ever initiate any type of physical contact I would know it would be a serious change in her view.

Making coffee eh. I think I fantasize about making coffee with her too much as it is so if the opportunity came I really don't see myself turning it down. But I would also realize one cup doesn't mean we're about to open a coffee shop together either.

[asitis]

Lol.

Yes, and how crazy some of those brushes in the hallways make you.

We were working putting up cupboard doors in the kitchen, & a couple times there was a breast pressing against my hand and a bare thigh pressing against my arm. It drove me crazy. And, I've always been the flirty, joking kind and not resisted showing my appreciation in the past or making sly remarks when she said that she was having - we'll let's not go there. Very hard sometimes to restrain the happy good 'ol as_it_is.

[lonelee]

Well you both made me LOL and i appreciate it.. again i have to say my situation is different than yours for sure as we all have our own struggles and issues to deal with.

I initiate sometimes as does he.. again I had started that before DB came into my life so i kinda feel i cant completely turn my back to it now. I use some restraint and not make myself completely available all the time as too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

maybe start slow in your situations with a simple wink or a tiny flirt to see what her reaction might be. It might surprise you too know thats what she wants you to do. Or maybe you know its not the right timing so you don't do it yet. Im willing to bet she might not jump right at the chance but she will not forget it and maybe in time you might get a wink back. again this is just my opinion.

thanks for the reminder, time to go make some coffee.. for morning that is

[asitis]

I think she is still processing her anger (most of which is just aimed at me, not because of me), and the body language just doesn't suggest that it's time yet for flirting. Perhaps soon, but there need to be some more signs that it she can be light and joking with me for that to come up.

Glad you're still getting to make coffee. I love good coffee but it's been mostly instant lately which is not the same. Sorry, bad joke.

[asitis]

W came back from a party out of town for a former student. She is supposed to be in the apartment, but hadn't packed before she left yesterday. She told me she'd stop by to pack when she got back & she was carpooling & they left their car here. She gets back around 10, kids are asleep, & I'm in bed reading ready to turn the light out.

She knocks on the bedroom door & apologizes for being later & she'll just get stuff for tonight & come back tomorrow. OK. As she is getting her clothes, I very casually say, "you know you can crash here." She actually paused to consider for a split second, then said no, she'd go to the apartment. I intentionally didn't imply that it was in the M bed (we have a spare room). Just treated it like no big deal & she said she'd be over in the morning. I said I hope not too early, as I'm hoping the kids will let me sleep in, & she laughed and said she doubted she'd be up before 8-9.

So today, she came over to pack. I was playing a game with the kids, and S6 was being a grump, so I was in the middle of tickling him into a non-grumpy mood. She came in and smiled at the scene. As she packed, we exchanged some pleasant small talk & discussed a task that needed to be taken care of for S3's day care.

As she was leaving, she sort of turned aside so the kids wouldn't here and asked about whether I'd gotten the referral on the mediator for our finances. I said that I called and left a message, but they have not returned it in over 2 weeks, so I was just thinking about calling again & would do so. She said great, because we really need some help on the finances.

First reaction was the catch in the throat, that she is still thinking moving forward. Didn't show it, but after she left, I needed some meditation to calm my nerves and feel my emotions. Always need an occasional reminder that she can still make me feel sadness and anxiety over all this with a couple words.

I recognize that this does not necessarily mean she is still heading for D, as we do need some help untangling the finances & deal with some nagging financial tensions between us. It could very well be testing to see if I'm serious about my good natured willingness to follow her lead and respond to her wants & concerns. It could be wanting to work on the R, although she is not ready to put it that way. She could not really be sure at all what she is feeling. Who knows. While it s most likely that she is still wanting to push ahead toward D, my point is that I just really don't know, and even if it does it doesn't mean that's where we will end up. Mediation can be part of the path to reconciliation. You just don't know, so why get triggered?

Still doesn't feel good, and I talked w/ one of my women friends w/ whom I had a play date w/ our kids scheduled, which helped. Also posted picture of our kids playing together w/ her tagged in it on FB, & couldn't respond to W's text about getting some info from a sale catalog for kid's clothes because I was out.

So, I have my answer on whether to bring up the mediator, I raised a couple days ago. It has been brought up. I think I handled it well, although I know she could think I actually hadn't followed up when I had, but nothing I can do about it.

I sat with my emotions until they settled. Funny how I really got to see the way in which my reactive self really wanted to reach out and contact W reassuring her I had done it & really did want to move forward. It really helps to just sit with your feelings for a while and notice such impulses. You see them for what they are.

Taking kids out to dinner. I'm so glad when these days happen when I have the kids to focus on and enjoy.

[gonegrl]

As it is, you are doing great. I really like how you said you "sat with your feelings until they settled." That is a great way to express that, and something I need to remember.

I hope you had a great dinner with your kids!

[asitis]

As it is, you are doing great. I really like how you said you "sat with your feelings until they settled." That is a great way to express that, and something I need to remember.

I hope you had a great dinner with your kids!

Thanks Photoka.

You don't need to literally sit (although that's what I did). The idea is to focus on your breathing or some other not thinking focus. Then you bring your focus to the feelings. You try to do this first by checking where you are feeling this in your body. Then you figure out what the dominant emotion you are feeling is.

This can be harder than it sounds sometimes, because there is a jumble of emotions. Just sit focusing on the actual feelings wo/ focusing on a storyline about it. If you wander to thoughts/storyline, gently bring it back to the actual feeling until you figure out what it is you are actually feeling.

When you do, you gently embrace it like an old friend. It is part of you, and it is crying out for you to acknowledge that you are being activated to do something. You are just acknowledging that those feelings are there without judging that you shouldn't be feeling those. Just allow the feeling to be while you give it your attention wo/ getting off on the storylines we generally weave when we are triggered by a strong emotion. Eventually, wo/ the fuel of the storyline, it settles down.

Most people try to think their way out of their situation. This just doesn't work, and usually leads to bad decisions, words, and actions. The peace is in letting go of the thoughts and just be with the emotion.

Along the way you may have an insight about this. Oh, it seemed like anger or jealousy, but under that was fear. Or, with my last sitting w/ it above, I really felt the urge to reach out and contact my W. This is my habitual reactive response to that emotion. Those have worked at some point in my life, or I wouldn't have incorporated the habitual part. But I can then see it as a reactive drive and recognize that in this situation, it would not be helpful. I sat w/ that urge feeling for a bit until it settled.

These insights can be very helpful bonuses, but the main thing is just to let those powerful emotions to settle down and lose their power over you.

[HeavyD]

Such wise words. So well said.