Hi Cat, thank you. Yeah, a lot of confusion. Some of the info and techniques seem to be contradictory (to me). Marital history... my first husband actually went through nearly the exact scenario (so what does that say about me!): MLC, PA and divorced me right after my first daughter was born.
Second marriage (his first - I was his *first* for a lot of things): he's a pastor, so male/female biblical roles/behaviors have always been important. I didn't really *get* a lot of what it meant as far as my own actions. We were very critical of each other but didn't 'work together' on it, it seems. Nearly 12 years married next month... MLC, he started an EA when I moved out of state for a job, since we were planning on moving for a long time, this was our opportunity. He stayed in IL to sell the house & take care of the kids. The EA may have started or had seeds much earlier with the OW but that's when things kicked in. I was away for 5 months, so I don't even know if there was PA or not, but seems likely. Now we're 1000 miles away from her. She finally dumped him but he is still holding out hope for her, even though he's never said that to me.
I have been controlling/manipulative (never intentionally though), appeasing, argumentative. I'm really working on all of those. He still says "you just don't get it" and is still very unhappy - I think that's in part because he was *dumped*.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
And trying more to GAL... complicated because I work all day, and get home & take care of things. I want to spend time with my family more than anything, so I focus on that, esp. the kids. Once they go to bed, I was listening to music (music is a big thing for him - a musician), doing some crafts, texting some friends. Probably not enough but at least it wasn't seeming like a lost puppy looking for his affection...
But more recently he has sought me out to do stuff, so I've been receptive to that, but not seeking it out either.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Have you heard the phrase "if mom isnt happy, no ones happy"?
I too was all about my son. However, at some point i realized i had to have a life too. It is extremly important to take care of you. Especially at this time.
Explain "biblical roles" please.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm ok with my kiddos. I act as if... mostly. I don't think they suspect much of anything. They know Dad can be a real bear and sometimes Mom can too. I'm happy with a life that includes them, and I know that can be taken to extremes or become unhealthy. I think I have a decent balance. :-)
Biblical roles: the Ephesians, etc. descriptors: women are supportive, submissive (NOT doormats) to the husband, not in competition for headship. He's always felt that I have competed for headship - which is true. I am former military (a Chief) and leadership is a natural, but there can't be 2 chiefs, you know?
Men are leaders, protectors and self-sacrificing for the wife. In a very brief nutshell, anyway. Does that help?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Yes - very much. He identifies it as being unhappy with me. It's still mostly about me (though, not *all*, like it used to be). He is a counselor, so he knows how to twist it: he was unhappy before the OW was in the picture, etc, etc. And when you are one, making each other happy is part of that, etc.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
The weekend was ok. There were moments of sincere caring but other moments of back to blaming me for everything. I'm nearly to the point where I just want to say "I'm hurting". I know I can't just come to him with that though, right? I don't want it to be an accusation/blame fest. But I do need to talk about it! It burns me so much sometimes. Even when he is trying and showing some kindness all I can think of is how much MORE nice and wooing he was to *her*.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Sometimes we act as if there's nothing wrong, nothing different, but it gets to me after a while. I don't want to just pick up where we left off like nothing happened - that seems totally fake. Not sure if its the right time to bring it up though.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
