I will take the challenge and start reading your thread! How long did it take you to change your thoughts? Am I going to slow? I am really trying to learn!
Thanks 4. If nothing else it's nice for people to get to know each other. But I think I've got some of the same demons as you as well.
No, you're not going too slow. Shoot...it took me three months before I really understood the situation. I joined 6/14...something happened on 9/5/14 that woke me up. I won't spoil it, but it was a game changer.
So to me the first 90 days after BD was just me spinning my wheels. None of it mattered AT ALL to STBX. I didn't really begin detaching at Level 2 detachment (level 1 being telling ourselves we should be detached lol) until closer to 11/14, so about 4-5 months in. I really feel like the first 90 days it was all about me thinking I could DB and actually steer my tale into a happy ending.
But just because I felt like I had to 'start over' at month 4 or 5...I didn't. Those first months gave me a foundation of DB principals. They got me through the worst of my grief. They allow me to know I did everything I could to stand by my M. They taught me a lot, because there is nothing like rock bottom to motivate people to change.
I wish you all the comfort in the world in this tough time 4. I've been in an emotional place myself today. Posting on threads of newbies brings me back, and it's like PTSD. It wakes up emotions again and again. I just posted on Sandi's post, man, I am so angry right now just hearing about more PA's, and reliving how I still feel about what happened to me!
The good news for me is that every time I work through those feelings they get easier. It's like 'Flooding', where if someone has a phobia about spiders they just sit in a room full of spiders for hour after hour until they get numb to it. I think these posts help me, because they trigger my emotions, but then I let them go...again, and again...and I learn to not hold on to the anger, to get good at asking God for help, and so on.
So in addition to wishing you comfort, have faith that the pain you are suffering has a purpose, and that IF YOU LEARN FROM IT it will change your life for the better. Please find meaning in your suffering. I sincerely wish for you to be in a better place.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
What I am concerned with is I did all of the wrong things for almost a year before I found this site. I have a year of doing all the wrong things before me not just months! Something I know I can not take back or change. I know all I can do is move forward but I have a lot of catching up to do! I wish to be in a better place also. I know only I can control that. I am just having so much trouble taking that control back. I remember being so happy on my own three years ago and then I get back together with the man I thought was the man of my dreams since I was 14 and its been he!! to say the least. I want this R more than anything but again ONLY if we can both be happy and healthy. I am also having an emotional down day. I do not really have a reason to I just don't even feel like talking to him or anyone for that matter. Just curl up in a ball for a while
Goals for today 1. Take girls to park 2. No texting calling or asking to spend time together 3. Get money squared away 4. Clean our room and wash bedding 5. Do dishes
Well I took the girls to the park for half an hour all they did is fight because they stayed up late last night so home and now they are napping. only text conversation went like this:
M: your mom will watch D7 tomorrow H ok H: Garbage done before noon yes I think so M: What???? Not sure that was for me (i did not ask how day was and yes I think so means nothing to me as I did not ask anything so I think he sent it to wrong person) H: Garbage done Going to be a good day! (He works for the county park so they pick garbage up twice a week getting done before noon means no garbage all day long) M: Good I like when you easy going days Three hours later M: Got the letter for free lunch today H: Awesome!
Will be balancing our accounts here in a bit and our room is clean I think I will do bedding tomorrow when I can hang it out. And will do dishes after dinner. So far I think I am on track. Idk conversation could have been shortened a little. I try to be supportive because that is one of his complaints so saying Im glad it is an easy day for him is a 180 because I had been complaining about him not working not making enough.
Also last night we had a conversation I am not even sure what it was about but I heard him say he is tired of the double standard. I can see this all the time. I do hold a double standard a lot. It is ok for me to do things that I get after him about or I will say he can go do something and then complain about it so I need to find a 180 solution for that. I have been trying really hard to listen for his complaints! I agree with this complaint so I will work on it!
He also came home last night and told me we were going racing Tuesday (D4, D8, him and I) He is sitting in grand stands with us. I am glad he invited me. I was also telling him about my plans to take D8 to do something with her dad Friday for her birthday and he invited himself along. I was kind of shocked because he usually wants nothing to do with us on Fridays because he goes out with OW. I also thought it was weird as usually when I say I am going to do something with D8's dad he does not go along. I am glad he is coming but I did not tell him that I just said ok. I did not want to act to excited. I am sure he will go out with OW that night after we get back but I will simply say Ok have a great time. As D8 and D7 will be staying with D8's dad that night so only me and him home. I expect he will not come home that night but we will see since his mom will be dropping D4 off to him at 830 in the morning for him to take back to her mom. Saturday we are keeping D8 and D7 at our house so I assume he will come home even though it is the weekend we usually do not have kids.
I am very confused by his actions to start spending more time with her and trying to bring her around the house more often. I am also confused by him spending the night at a friends with her. this is an all of a sudden behavior? Any insight? Is it maybe getting more serious? I do not know how to read him as we are still doing all of the same things.
All of the above sounds great, and your self-insights commendable!
The only thing I would change, is "I will simply say Ok have a great time" - don't wish him a great time with OW. His way of living right now is disrespectful of you, so don't act as if you approve.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I am very confused by his actions to start spending more time with her and trying to bring her around the house more often. I am also confused by him spending the night at a friends with her. this is an all of a sudden behavior? Any insight? Is it maybe getting more serious? I do not know how to read him as we are still doing all of the same things.
If you knew the answers to these questions, would it change ANYTHING about the way you conducted yourself, or what goals you were working towards?
If 'yes', that's probably a sign that you're giving too much weight to your H. Let him go and focus on doing what you know to be right for you.
If 'no', good job, you're on the right path. Since the answers wouldn't change anything don't bother worrying about it. The truth is he is so lost he doesn't know himself. Might as well wonder why a dog walks in a circle three times before lying down.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus nope it wouldn't change a thing! I would still better myself even if they are getting closer! I want to become the woman only a fool would leave I want to be the better option and that involves fixing/saving me! I did go out today picked up sticks so he could mow and helped clean up garage and mower when he was done! One thing he constantly complains about is me not coming to garage and being supportive I used to sit out there any time he was out there! We will see if this 180 has any affect'
