I will share with you something I learned in all this... the mind is alot like a muscle. You have to work it out, like you are at the gym. You are starting slow by just simply containing your actions, not voicing them ... this is a start. Now you need to train yourself to not have these thoughts that will get you spinning.
A few techniques ... you can close your eyes and imagine a STOP sign ... stop thinking about those red flags and OW. Others use a rubber band and snap it. Another I used was setting a timer on my phone ... 5-10 minutes .. I would go somewhere alone and allow myself that time to think about W, OM, whatever it was ... when the timer went off .. no more .. think of something else .. family/kids/a GAL activity.
Thing is .. this is all you ... just as you can not control your H's thoughts and his actions ... nor can he control/influence yours once you realize all that power is inside of you. So YOU need to captain your ship here hope ... never allow someone to sail you into the cliffs
As far as the OW goes ... you have to set this aside for now, I am not saying it does not get addressed ... I just do not think you are 'there' just yet ... time and place for everything, now is not the time. Do know ... that when you get there we will really get into Boundaries, you have to set some smaller ones up first then when the time is right .. the big ones come into play and NC with the OP is typically right up there with Full Transparency & MC once you both come to the table open and willing to work on the M. To put This boundary up to fast (as I did) is a mistake and can set you back a solid 6 months as it did me... patience Hope ... get your ship under control first here ok?
I see what you are saying, Cali...I am working at stopping thoughts but man! Sometimes I can do it fairly easily & other times it seems impossible (the main time being when I wake up in the middle of the night or too early in the morning... I cannot get thoughts to quiet enough to fall back asleep!!). I will keep working on it though.
So about OW... I think you are right that now is not the time. I am practicing great control to be patient & wait for the right opportunity. He at least agrees that we need to meet each other's needs & not look to other ppl... But somehow I think he is rationalizing that relationship w/ her... Or he just is not caring about being dishonest. In his head again, I know.
So what do you mean by small boundaries? When do you think is a good time to start down this road? I've basically been feeling like maybe it would be time when we have lots of good feelings going between us and have minimized the negative moments. Otherwise, I just don't know how else to determine the readiness. I'd appreciate your thoughts since you have been there!
Small update...
Yesterday h texted & we were talking about $. He said - I guess I'll put it back in savings if we're not splitting up. I said- Ok. I do not plan on leaving the relationship if we are both committed to putting in all the work needed to get us to a good, healthy, happy place. And you?
He thought I was meaning that he would have to go back to counseling & got a bit irritated (he is adamant of not repeating that painful experience after he feels he got burned after going through all that & I have said I would not ask him to go again). I explained that I wasn't implying counseling when I said work... Then I said- Well I am not asking you to go back to counseling nor will I ask... I'm sorry if I gave you that indication that I was going in that direction. What I meant by work is each make considerable effort to meet the needs of each other while also making considerable effort to not cause each other further harm.
He said he is happy to do that.
So ... Not really sure what I am feeling right now. I guess I am very mixed. Last night I was just thinking how much work we are really going to have to do to get to where we need to be & the thought was so overwhelming that I just felt a bit hopeless & that giving up would certainly be easier in many ways. And also to think that he is probably (almost certainly) not as committed to doing the hard work as I am... Even more overwhelming to think he could ever get to that place. I just don't see it.
He has again unlocked his phone & I looked at it last night. I know I need to stop & not snoop but old habits die hard. So I found a call to OW on Tuesday for about 2 min. (Tuesday late evening is when we had the long discussion & made up from my outburst on Friday. So this call was before all that.) basically confirmed what I already knew- they are still in communication. But I was surprised it was a call as that will be recorded on the phone bill... I thought they were just keeping to emails or fb messages or something. Happy to say that I remained calm & overall am not letting it bother me right now. There will be a time to deal with that.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
He thought I was meaning that he would have to go back to counseling & got a bit irritated (he is adamant of not repeating that painful experience after he feels he got burned after going through all that & I have said I would not ask him to go again). I explained that I wasn't implying counseling when I said work... Then I said- Well I am not asking you to go back to counseling nor will I ask... I'm sorry if I gave you that indication that I was going in that direction.
I would have encouraged you not to paint yourself into any corners. Are you REALLY okay with never being able to enlist the help of a good MC to help you two guys? It's always best to leave all options on the table, like:
"Well I can't push you to do something you're not comfortable with. I can only let you know what *I* need in the relationship, and I'm not saying I'll never need the help of a good, mutually-agreeable MC for us to talk to and help us, but if you're not comfortable with that right now, I'll drop it."
That would have been a good thing to say Starsky. We have been through a lot of marriage counseling & he is so done with that since I still managed to hurt him after doing all that work. So when he got so mad at me & really blew up about me asking a couple times to go back to counseling, I told him I wouldn't ask again. Part of me has hoped he would get to the point that he would suggest it... But i know it is wishful thinking.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I a really struggling today. I have a lot of added stress with getting ready for the trip & 2 dogs sick (one we have to figure out when to put to sleep) to deal with... And then I am hornonal... So today I have just been so sad about having such a messed up marriage. It is really getting me down today. Normally I can tough that part out... Or I am so deep in panic that there is no room for sadness. But today I am sad and feel like it would be easier to just start over with someone who wanted me and would be there for me. I am feeling really alone & sad about not having my h there to lean on or even talk to about all this. I am just having a tough time today and a bit of a pity party.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
New day & feeling better. I knew what was contributing to my overwhelming feelings of sadness but that didn't make it any easier. I was trying not to cry last night but then couldn't help it. I went and hid in the bathroom for a bit. Then came out to cook dinner. Couldn't totally stop the crying & H noticed. He asked what was wrong & I told him that I just was having a tough day. He asked if there was anything he could do & I said that I didn't think so (even though my mind is saying: yeah... you can totally do something & that would be to be 100% committed to working on the relationship & never talk to OW or any other female for that matter in a intimate way again... but I didn't say that). He gave me a side hug as I was preparing food. So at least he is offering some care. If I would have been crying a few weeks ago he would have just ignored me, I'm sure.
H texted a few minutes ago and asked if I wanted to have a weekend away in the fall in Denver due to some airline deal he had... I am not sure if he is meaning a weekend away for the two of us or with the kids. I said yeah I would be interested if we could work it in the budget. Haven't heard anything back from that.
More vacation prep today. Trying to not get too stressed about all that is on my plate in addition to my reservations about this long vacation together. Hoping he limits his phone use and we can enjoy the time away. Regardless, I'll have to focus on having the best time I can, at least with the kids.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Take things as they come and build on the positives ... stop focusing on the negative stuff. HE asked you to go on a little get-a-way ... there are numerous people here who would LOVE that.
Ok, he means for just us. So that is a positive. He is making plans for just us for the future. I am happy about this.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Hope
Pack your stuff and move out of his head!@!
Take things as they come and build on the positives ... stop focusing on the negative stuff. HE asked you to go on a little get-a-way ... there are numerous people here who would LOVE that.
Yes, you are soooo right ... i Know... but it is so hard. I was thinking yesterday that maybe it is easier for men to go through this kind of situation b/c the woman is naturally one who likes to talk a lot and talk through problems. My H is definitely not a talker & so it feels like it might take forever for him to talk out what he needs to w/o my prompting. OF course I know to wait & let him address it as he is ready but I think him being a man & not good already at talking, especially when that talk is around emotions... I just think it really adds to the time factor and my needed patience!
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
haha! No offense meant... I know you have very different struggles that are equally as difficult. I just wish I had a talker of a H right now.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
