My story - W was with OW

[Wonka]

Shut it, Shuley. Don't try to force things to happen. Your W is on her own timetable and you are too. Please allow W to process things at her own pace. You two will be at different places and that's okay. In time, you will come together and be on a similar wavelength.

I wouldn't 'force' W to read anything on forgiveness. It has to happen organically. You want to push things on W because YOU are feeling antsy. Chill.

Patience, buddy.

[Shuley]

I will post about the camping trip when I have some time to make sure everything that was significant about the R is communicated without too much narrative. It did seem to go well but I know back to reality will be hard.

One question. I am the one in charge of arranging the MC. Our therapist is my old MFT an so I've been the one taking care of this. Is this a violation of detaching? My W does want to go to these sessions, but I feel like my setting this up is too controlling. any thoughts?

[Shuley]

Okay. Update time. I did go to the annual Yosemite group trip with wife and son. This year was a smaller group, only 4 families, which made it a little more difficult as larger groups tend to offer more time to be apart and bond with others.

All in all the trip went very well. It was good that a close friend of W's arrived without her a-hole husband, and she complained and struggled to set up camp, watch the kids, cook, etc. etc. My W made a comment about how much harder it is for one parent to do this trip (one of the reasons I wasn't going to go was for her to realize this first hand).

I tried to stay cheerful and generally detached the whole time. It was VERY difficult. This is where W and I honeymooned and it is a very romantic place. We did spend quite a bit of time alone together, more than I planned. But it was all pleasant. I would say I was about 70% successful staying detached, not showing affection and not starting R talk. I'm getting a little better at this every day. However, there were certain moments I became overcome with emotion - This could likely be my last year on this group trip and that is very hard to swallow. It's been 8 years in a row we've gone and I look forward to it all year. My W and I have so many memories of Yosemite together. A couple of times, including once in the middle of the night, I just wondered off by myself to have a good cry.

Though separated, we were "forced" to sleep in the same bed in our "cabin". The first night, we simply slept beside one another. As the week progressed, i found her more and more affectionate and spooning me. On day 4 we did a very long strenuous hike that took 6 hours. It was beautiful, she was beautiful. It was one of my favorite days ever in the park. It was like it used to be. Alas, night 4 we ended up having sex (when all the kids were roaming the campground). The next day when we were alone, even though I was trying not to start any talking, I knew what I wanted to say. I told her I was disappointed in myself for allowing that to happen and that there would be no pressure from me to do it again. Her reaction was "what are you talking about? I wanted to do it. It was great." I don't know what to think now. I want to be overjoyed that there is still a wanting from her, but I am very wary of what reality is going on and not getting ahead of myself. I know we were both caught up in the romance and memories of this magical place.

For the most part, I gave her space, let her do her own thing even when around each other. She would put her arm around me a little, and gave me a few hugs/kisses here and there. Sure, maybe I would put myself in her path to see what she would do, but she was sweet with me. No fights, some tears, but generally a fragile, yet pleasant week.

Last night, after we got home, she said she wanted to start sleeping in the MB again. I didn't know what to say. I think it might be too soon, but I don't want to reject her if she is indeed feeling this way. So, I told her "It's a big house, you are welcome to sleep here or another room if you need space." I know that being back to reality is going to change things, maybe she is still on a high from Yosemite - in fact that is likely.

So, from here on I am just going to continue to give her space, detach and continue to GAL. I'm exercising a lot, trying to hook up with friends and being sweet, but non-affectionate with her. I set up a meetup profile and look to get out and meet new people (not singles events, just social events).

I was on the phone with my wife today and something came up about finances (related to my son's college fund). I told her that I would continue to contribute to it regardless and I hoped she would too if we split up. She said "I'm not worried about it, I think we will be fine." My heart lept, but I kept my cool and said "I've got another call, I'll talk to you later." and made sure to hang up first.

Man this is hard and I suck at it, but I 1005 get why I need to stick to it. It is helping us, but specifically helping me. I believe I will be okay, and she can sense it.

[Shuley]

Back to reality is really back to reality. She's in the MB but it's like sleeping next to a roommate now. It's so much harder to detach. I woke up hurt and angry and went for a 2 1/2 mile run - probably record time. If I can say anything, I will be pretty damn fit from all the exercise and lack of appetite We've had quite the email chain back and forth today stemming from our MC yesterday (she reached out first). It's painful but I believe it's the healing process. I set up a very important business meeting tonight and will go out afterwards. When I get home, I plan to play xbox with my son. She is not in my plans.

This is so f@%king hard