Zues, I have absolutely nothing productive to say except glad I'm amusing you today. I will keep everything else to myself.
It has been a heck of a year. For you, for me, for many of us. It's good we can look back and recognize it as one year in a lifetime. And I wonder what next year will bring. I wish good things for all of us.
First off, I am getting fired up about my fitness goal. I've worked out 3 days in a row, and just as importantly am watching my consumption. It's hard at first but I know once my body adjusts to eating a little less it will get easier. I weigh in at just under 190 which is as heavy as I've ever been. I don't look grossly overweight, but I do look a little soft. I'm like 5'7-8" so my ideal weight is in the 150s, but I feel and look good in the 170-175 range and when I was at 160-165 a few years ago I was close to ripped...so I'd be satisfied at 165 or below.
I was at around 175 10 months ago and crept up, what tipped it was I had to get my suit pants let up at the tailor 2 inches. I only had 2 pairs adjusted and I vowed to the tailor I'd be back on 9-1. I think in 5 weeks I can lose 10-15 pounds if I get angry. So that's what I'm trying to do. It feels better already. I know that there's a huge difference between adjusting your lifestyle permanently and going on a crash program, but for now I just want to get in better shape first. I'll deal with maintenance later. And while I'm a long ways from being on the dating market, when I am I intend to be looking good. I guess I just see myself in my mind as a trim and fit person, and this just has to go.
So the weekend...I woke up, read, posted on DB, played some chess online and watched some chess, then got a massage. It feels great after a good workout! Then I got together with a friend and played online poker and just had a good time hanging out.
Today I half relaxed and half worked. More chess online and more posting and reading, but then dishes, sweeping/mopping, laundry, and a couple of hours of work.
Maybe that doesn't sound fun, but it absolutely is to me. I'm working on all of my goals, and still having time to do some self care and having some fun.
Work is going well...I had my best month so far in my sales job (month 9). I'm anxious as heck that it will turn around. I KNOW I will do well because it's like a game and I'm in the top fraction of a percentage in both sales and games, it's just how I'm wired...but I also know I get there because I put tremendous pressure on myself.
So working on crushing it at work, losing weight, and keeping my place up. I'll see the kids Tuesday, then I have them this weekend. Looking forward to it, but I've enjoyed having my own time this weekend as well. For me having a meal in my bedroom while watching youtube videos of 1994 pool championship matches is about as good as it gets. Of course there are all of you too!
Thanks for checking in, and have a great week!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks Sunny. Nothing life or death, but tonight I need to share.
So I went to my D8's open house today (summer school/camp). I was the first parent their, and for a moment I wasn't sure if she'd be embarrassed or something. I'm sure that will happen, but not yet. She saw me and just LIT UP, ran to me, hugged me, and excitedly told the class I was her dad. Then she started introducing me to her friends, and I ended up playing games with her and some of her buddies, then seeing what she'd been working on. The only word to describe it was MAGIC, and honestly that falls pretty flat. I am nearly overwhelmed with how much I love my daughter. To think, a couple of years ago I was so depressed I couldn't connect with them...I felt like I was behind a glass wall watching from a distance...I'm SO appreciative I could course correct while I still have time. The day ended with her almost crying I couldn't go home with her, but I have them this weekend.
That leads me to my next point. I know I still have a lot of rage inside of me. It's subtle, because it's MUCH lower than it used to be, and my coping mechanisms have gotten stronger, so I can overlook it...but it's their. I listened to a TED talk today by a woman that was 3 times divorced talking about what she learned and I found myself FURIOUS! She admitted she regretted leaving her first two husbands, but then talked about the growth and what she's learned, etc. It was the one on "The person you should marry" talking about how you had to marry yourself, care for yourself, etc. It was all fine, but I was pissed at this idea that we can cause SO MUCH DESTRUCTION and then just be 'reborn' and talk about how much we've learned and put inspirational messages up on youtube. At some point I am disgusted that our culture celebrates these stories like they're successes when what I see is a woman that destroyed multiple families. I'm glad she's learned from it, but the fact that we act like divorce is just a developmental step in our lives PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm also angry about sex. No, not the current drought I'm in. I'm pissed that I feel the way I feel, and that I feel the gap between me and women will be unbridgeable. I resent my desires, and feel like I was cursed to be a man. The way I feel today I can't visualize being open about my feelings with a woman and being accepted and satisfied, so all I can visualize is gritting my teeth through years of being misunderstood until I die. And I feel like there is so much out there about how relationships should be, how women should be, how men should be, how sex should be, blah blah blah, that I just can't imagine a woman not writing me off in a few years, diagnosing me somehow, leaving me, and then years later having a breakthrough in which they have 'grown from the experience'.
So yeah, they overlap. And I know that anger is a sign that I need to grow more. It is a little discouraging. Part of it is accepting the reality that M will never be as fulfilling as I'd always NEEDED it to be. My last post to 4mykids applies to me too...at times I still feel like I need a woman's love in my life, and for her to show that to me physically.
But only at times. And more and more I feel I don't. More and more I feel very appreciative, grateful, and fulfilled with my life. I guess I'm just trying to keep working on myself, and when I caught that anger trigger in that video I wanted to talk about it.
Sorry if I'm disorganized, maybe I bury it so deep it's hard to articulate.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, you continue to baffle me about the sex thing. I remember it was a big issue between you and W, and I believe porn was involved also, no? But that's in the past. What makes you think you can't have a relationship that makes both you and a woman sexually satisfied going forward? Resent your desires? Where is that coming from? Desire is a gift granted to humans.
You seem to think you are abnormal. Maybe you do have a higher drive than most. But that's just something you are going to have to pay attention to as you explore new relationships. If you can't be happy until you find a women whose drive matches you own, then don't settle. But there's no need to be pissed off about it Zues. They do exist.
If I have missed the mark here, please do explain. Or tell me to take a hike. Either way
BTW, anger seems to be pretty normal and not something to worry about unless it's interfering with your life or sticks around too long. And I'm pretty sure you aren't the type who would allow that. So, embrace the anger, thank it for showing up, sit with it, and learn the lesson it has to offer. Then it will have served its purpose and it can move on.
Sunny, your post today made me smile, it was the day after your first post and showed that you must have thought of me and my sitch even when you weren't staring at your computer. Thank you for that.
I agree that anger can be ok and necessary. Again, it is only when it overpowers your life that it isn't healthy. That can happen directly, but if you deny it it can leak out and take over in ways you don't even know. The latter is more historic with me, so acknowledging it is a good first step.
I will think more about how to explain my frustration...I have been vague because this is a DB forum, not my IC, and certainly not something I want to get too graphic about...but I think I can find better words that don't involve anything that shouldn't be on a public forum. I'll reflect on that, and I appreciate the help. Reading your posts and those of others has been reassuring.
dmbfan, I watched that link. It did make me angry as well. I agree with almost everything she says...except her underlying premise which seemed to be that cheating was inevitable and we need to learn to learn from it. She compares it to cancer, not a good event, but something that has triggered people to grow and develop into better people.
One big difference is I don't inflict cancer on my spouse. It is a choice. And while she can explain it, and while it may not be a deal breaker in my M...I don't appreciate how she made it casual. Her point that it is common or that is has happened for millenia doesn't make it ok. And I think that sending the message that it can be a catalyst for growth is a big step towards endorsing it.
Look- social stigma was a huge reason people didn't get divorced as often. People say economics which is true...but social acceptance is a BIG deal. Now that D is considered part of our life's growth process by many, people are almost proud that they were 'strong enough' to leave a bad M and 'grow from it'. If the social stigma around cheating erodes and people think we're just out 'learning about what we need in our lives' I think it will increase as well, as will pain, D rates, and broken families, and broken hearts and dreams.
Bottom line, D is not cool, neither is cheating. I'll learn and grow from ALL of life's experiences, but that doesn't mean I won't avoid those that think these behaviors are acceptable and cast my vote saying "NO" to all that.
PS- the cheating wasn't the biggest betrayal. For me BD was the biggest betrayal. Monogamy was one clause of the wedding vows. BD was basically lighting the entire agreement on fire. I am still mind blown that anyone could ever do that. After a year the shock has worn off and I understand other people think that's a path that's reasonable...but I never will. Hopefully someone will feel the same way about it and potentially appreciate that attitude.
Sunny, I'll get back to you, and thank you all.
Last edited by Zues126; 07/30/1510:51 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
