Your marriage as you knew it is dead in the water. Stop blaming yourself for that. A marriage is 50/50. She could have spoke up at any time over the years to tell you how unhappy she was.
I was reading a book yesterday (totally unrelated to this) and I found this passage so meaningful:
"There are plenty of people out there judging us every day of our lives and for every move we make. The gods of guilt are many. You don't need to add to them."
You contributed to your part of the failings of your marriage. But recognize it, fix it and move forward.
Good job Ghost. This is all really hard stuff for everyone on this board. Usually us LBS take the blame for what went wrong, but we can't fix the past. We just can't.
Keep moving forward, and working on being the best version of you you can - even better than the best version of you you've ever been!
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hi I realise this marriage is over it has been extremely hard for me to come to terms with this and I still cannot quite believe there is nothing I can do right now to try to turn things around.
So what are my next steps ??
We are living together and will continue to do something whilst we are getting along. We have four children 2 years old 12year old 14 year old and 17 year old
What should I be doing over the coming months to to try to build on a new relationship with W is there anything ?
She tells me that she is not attracted to me anymore and that it was going over the last few years
We do get along with each other I am just not sure that I can manage to adjust our relationship from married to friends ...tho I realise right now I do not have any say in it
Is it harder or easier to D'bust when living together
Is it even possible for an attraction to be formed again ?
I would be greatful for any advice ....I do not want to move on sell the house and split up our family if we do this then I will see even less of my children so will she and I am thinking if I am lonley now it will be much more lonley in seperate houses
Many thanks
Gary
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
We do get along with each other I am just not sure that I can manage to adjust our relationship from married to friends ...tho I realise right now I do not have any say in it
What do you mean you have no say in it? You have a say about your life. You just have to start thinking about what you want -- other than the marriage. Get beyond that point, and think about what you want without a marriage involved.
From my observation, living under the same roof is much more difficult on the LBH, b/c the BS can't see themselves as "separated" and the family is still thrown together as a unit. The LBH sees the WW dating and contacting her lover and doing whatever she pleases......while continuing to take advantage of having a H, without the responsibility or commitment from her. The state of limbo can last for years under these conditions. However, let me quickly add, before a man decides to be the one to leave the home, he better check with his lawyer to see if this could go against him in any legal way.
I am not promoting separation. I'm just stating what I have observed. Many men have said it is easier to detach when they don't reside under the same roof with the wayward. Plus, as long as she has all the advantages of living with you, she's not going to really experience life without you, is she? IMO, when a WW won't come to her senses, then she needs to actually experience what she wanted.....which is a life apart from her H and the M. When that reality hits her hard enough, it has a way of breaking up a lot of that fog.
Are you still sleeping together and having sex?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The thing is how long do you stick it out? You can do what ever you like. Stay together as friends for the rest of your lives but is that a life you want to live? I'm probably not the best person to offer advice here as my wife was having an affair so my circumstances are different. My point is though I couldn't have stuck it out for much longer the way it was before I found out. We got on very well did stuff as a family but the intimate connection between us had gone a long time ago. We were just house mates. Its no life to lead
If you are determined to push on then, as per DBing and advice from others you need to let her go, stop with any neediness, stop with any R talks and be the best you can be for your kids. Re-read Sandis rules. Its a very tall order while you live together as she isn't actually missing anything. You're still there every day but maybe who knows she might change her mind.
Non of us on here wanted to sell our houses, tear families and friendships apart but those were the hands we were dealt and yes I see my daughter 50% of the time now. Thing is I actually have better quality time with her now as i make the most of it.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
OK, the part about not being attracted to you etc. is part of the script. My W has used this line a number of times, mainly when I was needy, to get me to go away. Don't panic. Have a look through my sitch (there is ten parts so far!) and you will see how I have been through a lot of the things you're going through now.
We're separated, but still in the same house. My W has shown signs of wanting back, then got scared, and it starts all over again. Some of this is my fault, as I have maybe shown too much enthusiasm etc.
Yes, pulling back whilst in the same house is difficult. I get you. At the minute you're scared of losing your W, family etc. This is the difficult bit. You have to get over the fear of D. That is going to take you weeks. It's not easy to do, and you will make mistakes. The important thing is to apply Sandi2's rules and really, really, detach.
I'll check in to see how you're doing.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
The lack of atttaction, may be partly script, however,for the WW or WAW it is mostly truth. It does not mean you are ugly or have no sex appeal to someone else. It means for her the attraction is gone. For a woman, it is tied into her respect.....or lack of respect for him as a man.
To answer your question about over time winning her back, you first get her respect and attraction. The rest will follow.....unless she is too screwed up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
