Hey Cali. I am really glad to hear you are in a happy peaceful place in your life. I know the feeling.
Knowing there is still more work to do on ourselves, but knowing we have come a long way.
Accepting this is a slow and complicated process, not to be rushed.
Letting the little things go, and learning what is truly important in our lives.
You sound great and seem to have your eyes wide open to watch and learn from your ongoing experience. You are doing great and have become a great example and help to so many here.
Thought of you guys when I was driving to Socal. Did you guys get a lot of rain and humidity from the hurricane? Crazy weather these days!
Thanks M ... I read your sitch and am still digesting it all .. your MLC H makes me scratch my head .. not sure how you have not gone upside his skull with a skillet by now, you truly have a gift.
Seriously humid ... played football that weekend and thought I was going to die!!!
I've been on vacay and just caught up on your sitch. Remember, there is no rush and you decide what you want to do. Everything has a way of working out...Really. It does. We just may not expect the ending we get.
Hang in there! Btw, I'm in LOVE with First Wave on XM. I was trying to explain how fantastic all of this music was to the kiddos.
You can do this:)
Ye mean I have to remain patient?? lol
GB thanks .. I always get a bumping song in my head ... I have no doubt you would be the fun maker on the DB party bus!!!
Luke, I cannot begin to imagine what it is like having to deal with an STD. Really..that just suckks.
And I would be surprised if you weren't guarded. We do have to tend to our hearts in a way we didn't do before.
I used to write about my walls. Had them all my life. They were my comfort zone after a lifetime of having to learn to protect myself. They were how I got through my childhood.
One of the most important things I learned is that while they were great at keeping things out, they also stopped things from getting in.
At some point, we have to let go and trust ourselves and what we have learned.
You cant do anything about whether or not the "old" wife comes back, right? So fearing that doesn't serve you well.
You are just in charge of keeping yourself where you want to be, yea?
I'm glad you're hopeful, Luke. There really is always hope until you decide there isn't.
Moving forward happens in fits and starts sometimes. As long as it is pointing in the right direction and not behind us...it's all good.
Had a good weekend. Went to our 3rd Post ... topic Forgiveness and Trust.
Was good, I actually felt like we both got something out of it and I continue to see W making an effort and she even wrote that her goal was "To be more open and honest to rebuild the trust I lost with my H after my A" ... she could have easily went with a 'safe' answer/goal here ... so again .. something I mentally bookmarked.
Other mental bookmarks over the weekend. *She was not defensive over some hot-button talks *Alot of ILY continue from her *A "I'm sorry" from out of nowhere. *Continues affection/contact *This one killed me ... she said .. I kid you not "I have made alot of progress with my changes and I am happy with the results" ... DB much?
We looked at a new bed, but I put the brakes on it as we have another month before I make the decision to 'move in' ... then things become a bit more real .. granted I 'live' there now but having my place as a safety net seems to help
I continue to do my GALs ... played football Sunday and went out for beers after, then came home and W, S and I checked out a movie and got a new board game and played as a family .. we all had a blast. Wednesday happy hour with guys from work as W is taking S on play dates
Even now, I am not pursuing .. she is .. I remain detached, feeling at peace and centered ... watching her do the work as she continues to change and grow for the better.
Luke, I cannot begin to imagine what it is like having to deal with an STD. Really..that just suckks.
And I would be surprised if you weren't guarded. We do have to tend to our hearts in a way we didn't do before.
I used to write about my walls. Had them all my life. They were my comfort zone after a lifetime of having to learn to protect myself. They were how I got through my childhood.
One of the most important things I learned is that while they were great at keeping things out, they also stopped things from getting in.
At some point, we have to let go and trust ourselves and what we have learned.
You cant do anything about whether or not the "old" wife comes back, right? So fearing that doesn't serve you well.
You are just in charge of keeping yourself where you want to be, yea?
I'm glad you're hopeful, Luke. There really is always hope until you decide there isn't.
Moving forward happens in fits and starts sometimes. As long as it is pointing in the right direction and not behind us...it's all good.
I am not sure if the walls are hers or mine .. probably a mix of both.
W admitted yesterday she was 'terrified' of giving me the STD as she said out S deserves to have one healthy parent.
Might be TMI, but its our reality right now, the real scare is HIV, she has no idea, and is terrified its a possibility ... and given what I have learned of OM, who knows ... so yeah that alone is like laying next to a time-bomb in bed, having to wait till SEP to know for sure has increased the anxiety in her big time.... the guilt and gravity of what she potentially could have done is really weighing on her. To this point not many people even know about the A ... let alone the STD, so there has been a good number of "What if" thoughts for her.
All that being said .. I am grateful to be 'here' ... and catch myself from wanting to be 'there' to quickly ... the homework helps to get thoughts/feelings out without being judged .... and its crazy, she is amazed at learning things she never knew about me ... thinking she knew me for 25 years and learning something still shocks her.
Amazing stuff, right? Finding things out about someone you have been with for so long.
I would imagine she is very frightened. I always said if my xh ever comprehended the depth of what he did, it would bring him to his knees. I don't think that comprehension is ever going to happen, although, you never know. Either way, it doesn't have anything to do with me. I wish him peace always.
I cannot imagine what she must feel like...coming to terms with it all.
I so get the patience thing and how hard it is...especially for you, my friend. LOL!
I would imagine she is very frightened. I always said if my xh ever comprehended the depth of what he did, it would bring him to his knees. I don't think that comprehension is ever going to happen, although, you never know. Either way, it doesn't have anything to do with me. I wish him peace always.
I cannot imagine what she must feel like...coming to terms with it all.
Indeed. There was a time I wanted my ex to "understand" what she was doing and who it was hurting most - the kids. But I don't wish that on her any longer and have not in years and years. I truly hope it doesn't happen. Others, outside of this board/experience, don't understand that feeling. But I've seen it and lived it so I know what it would be like for her in that sense. I don't know what it would be like to know you were the one that did it and had to live with the consequences.
Cali, it's not a bad thing that she's learning new things about you. If anything, it's a good thing that she's interested enough to learn them. And I'd say it's a good sign that marriage 1.0 won't be repeated
But it's not an easy walk for either of you. And of the two, I'd say she has the hardest part right now, if you can imagine that. Your time in he** is behind you - you have the tools to deal with what's going on. She is still building them and dealing with the fall out. It's why many don't come back; facing that is tough stuff.
Kudos to her for not running like a mad-woman screaming for the hills. And kudos to you for making it possible and having done the work on you. Not everyone does
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
But it's not an easy walk for either of you. And of the two, I'd say she has the hardest part right now, if you can imagine that. Your time in he** is behind you - you have the tools to deal with what's going on. She is still building them and dealing with the fall out. It's why many don't come back; facing that is tough stuff.
Kudos to her for not running like a mad-woman screaming for the hills. And kudos to you for making it possible and having done the work on you. Not everyone does
AJ
Totally agree her part is harder .... even yesterday as I came home we had a mini talk about personal growth and she told me she felt like she has so much work to do on herself that she is afraid I will 'throw in the towel' before she can get there ... seems the past few weeks she has voiced her fear of me leaving often, so yeah all the realizations of "what have I done" do seem to be creeping in ... I STFU , listened and told her I have not left yet, she will have to trust me and the process some.
Ok, Last week I went to do my taxes ... I had filed an extension just so much going on and I was not sure now that we are not filing jointly what excactly was going on. W has had her families accountant do ours for years .... so owning my own stuff I went on to good ole H&R Block. I needed some more stuff to give them, S's ssn, and the daycare stuff .... then W tells me she claimed S, this was not what we had talked about and she gave me that MLC dead eye stare ... I was pretty livid.
Mixed with that anger was another wave of betrayal ... W snapped out of her MLC stare and was trying to calm me down ... I admittedly was 'gone' I told her I was tired of being F'd over with all her decisions, I was the one holding the short end of the stick for these past 2 years and this was nothing more than another reminder of just how selfish she is/can be. I was pretty hot. I finally calmed down .... took a walk .. but still really irritated at this whole mess ... and how I felt that most the consequences were mine alone to deal with ... was how I felt at that time not going to lie.
I decided to drop it, had my appt set and would deal with the fallout and see what I now owed after all this ... just deal with it then.
So the weekend was good, last night I went back and finished up my taxes ... I went from owing a few hundred .... to now owing close to 6k .... deep breathe, ok .. I will just figure it all out and make the payments owning what is done is done and this is just another MLC gift I will get past.
W called while I was on my way home, telling me she landed a job .. a really good job. Wanted to go out to dinner and celebrate, her treat, thanking S and I for being there for her through out the past 2 months as she did a good deal of self work and was looking for a job. I congratulated her ... even with the 6k floating around in my head I was happy she landed something as she was starting to freak out over money.
On the way I started thinking about the $$ aspects of all this ... her empting out both accounts just after BD, leaving me with pretty much nothing .. and now this little episode ... somehow I remained calm .. .I think letting loose a bit Friday actually helped. I get home and Personally congratulate her (Normally I would have stopped for flowers and a card .. but lol .. I am newly broke) She thanked me, she looked happy and relieved. She asked how it went with the taxes and I told her it was not good ... did not want to talk about it and we should just go celebrate. She suggested we do our hmwk first (Something I mentioned that morning I was starting to become disappointed in as we have not consistently done it) .... so we did that.
After as S was getting ready she asked again about the taxes, I told her the figures, she apologized and told me she wanted to pay the entire amount "Its the least I can do for all I have done, please let me, at least consider it" ....Wow .. this is not my wife speaking. I told her I would think aobut it but really wanted to just enjoy dinner and celebrate her job (Old M and Old Cali stuff .. W complained we did not celebrate such things as jobs/promotions)
Little internal stuff ... I am happy she took the job she was offered, she had 2 other ones in play that would be over 1 hour commutes (one way) ... and I was concerned about all the 'free phone time' that she would have ... not that I can control who she calls nor for how long ... but the trust is not there and will take time, but just all that idle time on the road did not give me the warm and fuzzies ... besides that her work days would be long and yours truly was not thrilled about having a W get home all grumpy and tired.
I am curious as to the 'pressure' demon coming back into her life, she has been doing very well for 2 months .. focused on herself mostly, but I wonder if MLC fragments could be put into play once she goes back into the work enviornment ... time will tell, wait and see.
As far as me ... I am good, been grounded and not pursuing at all. W and I slept in separate beds last night due to S being convinced he was going to be kidnapped and had little faith the 'old lady' downstairs would protect him .. so he slept with W in the MBR (furthest away from the front door) thinking I would be there too ... however when he dozed off I opted for the empty bed to avoid the karate chop to the face in the late night hours. I slept pretty good other than the strange sex dream that involved Macaroni and Cheese .... yeah ... who is the messed up one? This guy.
