Should have explained. Appointment was for my S and his autism. I left S in car as W approached. He wasn't alone, she was at the car door when I walked away.
I need an answer about the house sale that is on going. She won't talk to me about it, but I needed to know. I didn't think I was cornering her, but the arguments seem to have started by her just to goad me. I even told I thought she was enjoying it (no answer).
Calmed down a bit now. I just feel she has come back from her two weeks away, I've practiced NC as much as I can (without alienating kids) and that W is now punishing me for this.
Haven't eaten all day, so maybe I need some carbs. I see what you mean about her losing control, but the nastiness is really hurting.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Wonka's right dude. Calm down. Go for a walk or a pint or something.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thanks for advice. I have calmed down quite a bit. I can see how my actions have got her thinking and she has pulled the rope and I'm still holding on. That's a mistake. I can see I have been in appeasement mode, not really detached. W seems to enjoy having an argument as it helps her to keep her options open.
So, goal setting. I think I have achieved all my original goals apart from detachment. Need to concentrate on that now, but, here's the contradiction factor. W on the phone to somebody last night. In one of her arguments this weekend, she stated she'll be glad when she's gone. Fast forward to the phone call and she says she's 'glad to be back'.
More work to do.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
It's not a contradiction at all. Look, I had a really hard time understanding detachment but I get it now. Can't you see that just that one comment where you overheard your WAS shows you ARE still attached?
Detachment means setting your mind in a place where their actions don't affect you or your mood or what you are doing.
Consider the issue with the question you tried to get her to answer. Now we know the outcome wasn't good and the tension is high but how would that same conversation have went back in the good old days even if your WAS wouldn't tell you? Would you have had a fight? Would she have ended up punching your just to get you to STFU? If you did need an answer how would you have communicated this to her without a fight?
Look, I have a lot of outstanding things that need sorted with the WW but the ball isn't in my court. So what do I do? Drink a very long STFU smoothie and get on with my life. Do I let her actions affect me? No, well I try not to at least. This to me is detachment.
Be cool man, just like Clint.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
IN the past, if we'd argued, we'd have very quickly ended up in bed. Fact is, we hardly ever argued and the 'huffy' phase would have lasted less than a day.
I have my STFU smoothies on hand now (Tesco had an offer on!) and I have resolved not to argue or get into a fight. That's going to be hard. I see how she didn't like the NC and the fact I was confident and happy (outside) and that unnerved her and by fighting, she quickly stopped crying and was back on top - in control.
Difficult, but I have more homework to do.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Not only was she in control but her actions (leaving you) are justified. This is the tightrope mate.
Thanks for the heads up on the Tesco offer. I'm running short on supplies :-\
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Look mate. You need to work out your sitch but in mine it was simple. The PMA didn't bother her and the GAL didn't have any effect on her. But as the guys around here kept pointing out it's not about her. And they were right. Once I finally twigged that it was about me detaching became easier. To her this was fine because she could eat as much cake as she wanted.
Then when I returned to the house? Ah, not so much. Now she was on the warpath. Sandi2 warned me about this so I was prepared because I'd upset her dream world.
And when I stepped up to my boundary regarding her txting OM in my house under my nose? She left, accused me on emotional abuse and instructed a L.
Yip, WW's are incredibly selfish. So be prepared for this.
Last edited by NDY; 07/28/1502:11 PM.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I have been talking to one of the Director's here at work. He had a very similar experience and in the end he let go. His W, however, returned to say that she had changed her mind. He decided that he couldn't trust her and kept walking. He regrets it to this day.
He told me whatever I do, don't give up, they do come back eventually, keep my patience and just shut up.
In my sitch, I think not being 'needy' etc. has got her thinking. She seemed to like the arguments, really relished them, so, I noticed as soon as I tried to show some caring, the waterworks stopped instantly. Don't know if it's the right effect, but I need to distance myself.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
