The going gets tough! (Smothy 7)

[Smothy]

Thank you, Zues. It has taken me a long time to start thinking this way. I am finding detaching hard and I am weighing too much on these last 3 weeks. DB coach has told me to take a day at a time.

I am scared that once I move abroad, moving back towards each other will be so difficult to do.

H seems colder and more distant with each passing day. The care H has exhibited previously is not longer apparent. I fear going to London has made H feel I no longer care about him.

[Zues126]

Yeah, I get it. Right now he's probably not happy that you're not wrapped around his finger. But you're right...the distance will grow greater, because the M is over and that is what happens.

LBS's hope that DBing will suddenly swing the pendulum back, but while DBing and 180s are a requirement, the second requirement is that the WAS changes as well. That is out of our control. For that to happen he will have to hit a rock bottom.

So if you're beyond the stage of measuring your progress by how warm he is or how many texts he sends you or someone else you're on the right track. It's all about you. And it's good to grieve the loss of the M. Take care of yourself, and let the future play out.

[Pyrite]

hey Smothy,

We have been down this road before that Zeus ^^ is talking about. Unfortunately returning home took things back to square one and advise from DB coach and others (Wonka etc) seems to negate this. Give you hope that you might turns things around at the 11th hour so to speak. This may all be true but I think you should look for another interpretation in all this advise that is there and agrees with ^^.

You say you wish you knew one way or the other. Well to be harsh - "You do you bloody idiot!!" You are just counting down the days until the D is made final. How much clearer could it be? Obviously not living with conflicted, conflict avoiding WAS whom sends mixed messages would be the answer. So this is what you have to walk away from. Make it not affect you.

1. You dont want D BUT it is on the way
2. The ONLY chance you have of curtailing this is to move forward with purpose as the new Smothy he won't want to leave. He does NOT want to go back.
3. The ONLY way for you to genuinely move forward is to NOT be so hung up on every move he makes.

Detach. Detach from the outcome. All you are doing is setting yourself up for success/failure. It will be what it will be. Focus on what you have now, not on what you might (not) have later. We all should live like this, all the time. On the day the D is finalised/NOT you will have your success/failure. In a month when you look back at D-day it will be either success NOR failure. If success you will be gauging his reaction to every attempt you make in piecing back together your R. If failure you will be writhing in the prolonged, cyclical whirlpool of grief that we are all in.

So my point is there is no point of success or failure, there is just A future. In that future you are still going to be faced with life's problems. OK so maybe this is a the extreme low end, but you are not going to jump straight back up to being on top of the world. You are still going to have to wade through this crap end of life for sometime yet before things are all rosy again. So now and that future will be best served by how YOU live now and in the future. In fact, the future will likely be best served by how YOU live now.

Just float Smothy. Float and smile. I know how damned hard it is. In a few hours I go to pick up the kids for my week. He'd back to the M house. Strip the bed sheets that my W and OM [censored] in, in our bed. It [censored]. It is miserable. What is my desired outcome and for when? What is yours? Does it matter that they are not the same? Does it matter what they are at all? Dont get pinned down to an outcome. Float. Having an "outcome" means you gauge every step WRT that outcome.

[Smothy]

I hate this, BT bill shows he has been texting two OW. Through out the whole day.

What is worst the second person is someone I know, whom I am seeing on Weds. Texts to her are everyday, morning to night. Shall I ask her/ H about it. It is a female friend I have been intimate with that H knows about and have encouraged and seen us together. Uuuuggghhhhhh!!!!!!

I can't believe how this is turning out.

Zues, Pyrite will reply soon, just can't get my head around this new bit of information.

[Zues126]

Sorry Smoth. It is shocking to me that people can make these choices. Clearly it doesn't matter how inappropriate or destructive it is. They are both burning up their lives to run from problems and find shortsighted comfort.

I wouldn't do anything while you're in shock, nothing's going to change in a week. Just don't let him know YOU know, otherwise you'll appear complacent. As long as you keep this to yourself you can deal with it later. I am disgusted, but right now I'd just use that as more reason to detach and keep this filth off you.

[Pyrite]

No hurry Smoth. I have just received an email from the W and I am finding it really hard to just answer NO. I am just stunned. I just can't get my head around it. How someone (W) can be so selfish (and stupid) and it has just escaped me for 12 years. Maybe this is just a WAS thing. But hey, my W openly admits to being in love with OM and sleeping with him, and I was a thorn in her side for years - all sorta OK - but this was her compassionate, comforting speech to me. She genuinely thought it would soothe me to hear these things. I just can't get my head around it, and I thought that would be the last time. But now she has just proven herself again. my point is - let go of the rope.

[Wonka]

Smothy,

I would pull back from these two women. You don't want to be in the same quicksand as they are in now.

Withdrawal and silence from you speaks volumes. Trust me, they will take notice of your actions. Courage comes from quiet strength. You can do it!

I would keep the bill information in your back pocket. I wonder if you have had the no-OW contact speech to your H in the house? We worked with Train on that script in her threads.

Time to draw the line as you don't be disrespected in your own house.

[Huddy]

Wednesday - give that a miss. Double agent.

[Smothy]

Had dinner with DS, H ask whether I am going to be home tomorrow evening. Tell him I have plans and did not divulge any more. H says ok then....

Wonka, I did not drink enough STFU smoothies.

I tell H that I am meeting with OW2 on Weds and is there anything H had said about us that I needed to know. Then the lies started, only got her number a couple of weeks ago, saw her at work. she said she wanted to contact me. Gave her my number. Records show that there were 120 text between them on one day alone and this goes back to May. Did not disclose anything and said ok.

H ask about my stay in London and which friends I went with, Asked if I had a lot on tomorrow and was a bit Pi$$y when I was a little vague. Then started saying he did not have the right to answer and I said, I had nothing to hide, and it was H that always lied about what he was doing (missed STFU smoothie 1) and I have nothing against us being truthful with each other.

h started clearing the table and said it was hard for both of us, feeling overwhelmed and told him it was harder for me as he was the one that wanted this not me. (STFU smoothie missed 2). Said it was hard for me being served D papers whilst 1000s away away without family and close friends. (3) Said I would like to at least given a chance to go to mediation and counselling (4) and have an u der standing of why (5)

H said we didn't need this as he was being civil. Surprisingly, we both wanted to go to the hot tub but I said I did not want to talk any more, I understand it is hard but neither of us where in the right frame of mind.

Both agreed to talk another time. All these months this was what I was trying to avoid. My behaviour today would of been similar to that before BD. very disappointed with how I handled this.

[Pyrite]

i dont get it. what was so bad there that you did? you wished you weren't 1000s miles away and had a chat with MC - this sounds completely reasonable to me and H's adopted course was cruel, cowardly, callous and quite frankly uncivil. it was selfish. stop accepting so much of the blast. you MAY have driven him to a point in the M where he was lost and wanted out etc but HE got out of the car. And all of his criticism of how you drove him there - thats all part of his script to make himself the victim here and justify his actions.

i'll copy this sentiment on my thread as well it is time for an update.

I ran into an ex a few weeks back. We broke up 15 years ago, but were together 7 years - so not a short time. of course we ended up talking about my sitch. she is a very level headed girl, she is herself and also has lot of friends who are also in my sitch with young kids, struggling R.

Almost her first comment was "everybody's M is on the rocks when you have babies and young kids. I dont know anybody whose M is stable at these times. But MOST people dont go out and have an A. Everybody thinks it, but nobody DOES it." Well obviously some ppl do! And that is the kicker for me. That is the biggest shock. I honestly didn't see this coming. I didn't imagine that my W would be one of THEM. So is you H obviously. What happened to the intermediate counselling and mature, committed approach that we expected. They just got lusted away.

So maybe this is what we have to get used to Smothy. Stop applying our analysis to their behaviour. They are a different breed. The same rationale doesn't apply in their parallel universe. There, they are being civil, they are justified, they were victims, and they are still doing nothing wrong.

We are holding out hope that they will return to our Universe. That is a long shot. Certainly possible, but a long shot. And then we are hoping that they want to R. A further stretch. I would bet that statistically it almost never happens.

Stop looking over his side of the fence. It just hurts and none of it makes sense anyway. Stop snooping. Do what you gotta do, but stop watching for his reaction. I doubt very much that you might miss the cue to step in and stop the D.

The day after the D goes through will you immediately give up. I doubt it very much. You will likely do what you have to move forward, but you will still be open to R. Or does that piece of paper mean that much? So does that day mean so much? So why should you change so much? How do you want to (will you) be once D has gone through? Once that piece of paper defining your M has been stamped with the official "I dont want this M" stamp. Well guess what - while you are waiting anxiously on that stamp to end it, he (and my W) is just waiting patienttly for it to be delivered. It has already been stamped, long ago.