drop the rope- part III

[Zephyr]

hi E, IC tonight so I will follow up if anything comes of it.

Bob, always thank you for your support!!!

Roiste,

"There does seem to be genuine improvements and even initiatives taken by W but still with underlying not fully committed."

That is precicely how things feel right now. I will continue to do what appears to be working as far as reconnecting with my wife and working on my happiness project. I know 'as a friend' has to happen first. I do not want to get stuck there. She has even said that she wants to be able to be that for me...in regards to a physically intimate partner. she has said multiple times she is working on that. It almost 'feels to me' like there is not very much desire for me in her heart still, to drive the rest of her to want to have relations.

Thank You All

[Elly4]

Please do! She might need to start at friend to rediscover the desire though. You are doing awesome, so keep it up!

E

[Bob723]

Zephyr,

You're welcome...you are always around for me as well.

Please, just take things slowly and try not to think too far into the future. That's where I back-slide.

You have this -- I KNOW you do.

Bob

[V2pt0]

This week gal;
Monday ???
Tuesday - IC, swimming & Grocery store
Wed - guitar lesson & kids library visit
Thursday - fishing clinic then gym to go swimming.
Friday - friends over for games!

Hi Z,

Just catching up on your thread. How was your IC appointment today? Looks like a great GAL list for the week, especially the fishing clinic!! I hope you are doing well.

[roist]

So how did it go?

It is great that your W can say to you she wants to be more loving/initiating etc. We all know not to put stock on what is said but still she has said it a few times.

Regardless of the final outcome you are enjoying a better M than you were. There is LM, talking, validating and fun and most importantly some is nitiaed by w.

[Zephyr]

So I went to IC last night before i pickes up wife to go to gym and store.

Biggest pieces from session:

He loves how much time I am spending trying to find 'me' and learning how to be happy. He warns not to forget about all of who I am ... Try to be whole (dad, employee, husband).

We spoke about my interactions with wife. He felt that our interactions were way more positive. Yes espcially with wife wanting to do more with me. He said that it sounds like, with my positive attitude, listening, nurturing, etc. I am (trying to remember exactly how he put it) a constant state of posturing of invitation. I took that I am making myself someone who wife would want to come to and I have been welconeing her when she does.

This all led into the conversation of enmeshment / codependency. We spoke a lot about how my actions of trying to be a whole person are key. He even said that doing things for wife is ok as long ad imam not severing parts of me to do this. Make sure imam not supplicating myself to try to please her. Make sure I am not compromising who I am and what I am doing just for a chance that she may come close. Make sure that I am conscious ly giving from a place of love instead of trying to get something in return. (I am paraphrasing here, but that was my take from that).

Lastly we spoke for some time about my anxiety at work. After much digging he found my trigger. It turns out I have a deep trust issue with what I've been seeing with wife (as I ambsure she is with me). Ok I get that. Then here it is...when I start thinking about that thingsnturn to a place where I am convincing myself that ultimately it is ME that will eventually have to leave my family and file form divorce because I don't want to live in that state forever. My needs not being met and lied to and all of that. As soon as we had gotten to that point I was calm and collected. He kept digging and digging then boom, yearns and anxiety. Just like I felt at work.

He said I will need to try to allow myself to feel that fear and tell myself, yes. Against my core beliefs I may have to leave my wife. I then accept what I am saying to myself and say that whenever that happens I will be alright. Then I look at myself and say, I am not ready to give up and will keep going so it is not today that I will leave.

I will certainly try it.

Thank you all for hearing me...I did feel better after the session. E bob & roiste as always you guys keep me afloat and moving forward. BW thanks for reading up, I can't promise exciting stuff but I can promise long drawn out threads and lots of misspelled words

[roist]

There is a lot of truth in that. It is a realisation I have pondered about. E old me would have already left and said f@#£ it. It is hard but what helps me is two things. I am sure I love and want me W and I am convinced we can be great together. Secondly I played my part in letting us get to this point. And she stayed when I was depressed. So I am willing to give it time to improve I will try my best to not focus on what I feel and what I am missing and work on what I can work on. I appreciate and value having my W in my life. I am lucky to be with the woman I love.

Ultimately I may have to decide to end our R. But for now I see it that if she wants out it is on her to assume that. I am not going to do the work for her.

Also I believe that there is a chance that if I go down that road it could even help W realise what she is losing. It should not be undertaken ad a tactic but still should be aware that making that decision does not mean it is the end, just that you have had enough of current situation.

But as you said, that is for another day. Thanks for sharing. As you have been guilty of the same thing in the past, I am talking about both our situations at once.

[roist]

I often think of you and your situation. I'll hold off on mire questions and just let you know that I hope all is going your way and that you have a good weekend.

[Zephyr]

Roiste,

Me too I know we are in a very similar sit, so fire Away with the questions. you might not get the answers you are looking for, but certainly it forces me to look at myself and be honest with what is going on...so it is actually appreciated.

As for this weekend. Well, I have had a great week so far, even went river fishing with S13, wading out into the water up to knees - something I WILL be doing again. Tonight we have some folks coming over for some social activities with some games and such. It is usually quite fun!

Tomorrow, we are going to Michigan to visit with the In-Laws and coming back Sunday night. I think they are going to try to get us out onto Lake Michigan in their new Boat and then perhaps a winery or brewery tour on the way back to their house so THAT is AWESOME!!!

How about you. What are your plans???

[Elly4]

Hi Zephyr, I'm glad you had such a nice week! It sounds like your IC had a lot of great insight for you. It's so important to get the right match in that person.

I hope you have a great time with your in laws. Boating is always fun!

I'm not doing a whole lot this weekend, but hoping to relax.

E