Huddy, go out before your W and kids come home. I would start off cool as a cat through out the day, when it drew nearer the time for H to come back to the house I got myself into thinking of situations and my NO expectations turning to lots of it. Now I try to make out it isn't a big deal whether he is home or not except for the days we have scheduled to be with DS.
Put on a happy face but not too enthusiastic.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Well, W returned with the kids about 20 minutes after my message last night. Great to see the kids, although my disabled S seemed a bit reluctant at first.
No real caring from W. Pleasant enough, but tried to make a big deal of me sleeping in the marital bed whilst she was away. Didn't react. W was tired from long drive and perked up after her bath.
W had a heated exchange with her father on the phone later on. Don't know about what (I was playing with the kids) but I did hear her say 'it's my priorities that come first', so, no idea what that was about, but does confirm everything I knew about her not really wanting to go back to her parents. Nothing mentioned, playing it cool.
However, I had a nightmare last night and on Saturday, which isn't good and I guess that is just my fear coming back. W featured in both (one of them sexual). W has started reading books on the setee (couch) which is something she's never done before.
Next step? I kinda wanted her to come in and make some kind of sweeping statement, one way or the other, but hasn't. W has had her hair and nails done and I don't know if I should comment. She looks great, but if I say something, that would be persuing, right?
Back to sleeping with S. My patience is kind of thin. Sandi2 - where do you think she's heading in the WAS cycle? If she really wanted to go, would she have come back?
More questions than answers really.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Drawn into a fight this morning. Aaaarrrggghhh! From it however, came some nuggets of information. Fight was about her L and the letter that W had asked me to write before she went away. W had tried to bait me two weeks ago, saying I'd 'made it up'. W backed down from this position but claims she needs an agreement so that 'I don't run away with the money'.
I've never given her any reason to think I would do that, so I don't know where she is coming from with this. W however, burst into tears as she was uttering her first sentence. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. I tried to comfort her by touching her arm and she said 'don't manhandle me'. Urgh!
Anyway, she said that 'I'd changed so much' which I retorted and then she said she didn't want to talk. I asked why she had come home and she said she 'had nowhere else to go'. Don't know what's happened about going to her parents.
At this point I had a STFU smoothie and just let the rest of the afternoon pass.
I just can't read this situation. My own fault, but I did say I still loved her, so I've probably restarted the dance. Resolve to go back to 'shrugging'.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
It is so hard not to get drawn in, went to see a friend today and he told me H is very conflicted but I must (and you too) detach even more. The way I see it I am still too attached to what H does and say. Our Spouses have made their decision, I don't know how much longer I can take this. What I do know is to try not to analyse everything they do. I too have told H I love still love him, It has hurt me more knowing they no longer feel that way and H is adamant about this D.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Ok so back to square one. Sandi's rule 11 mate. No ILY talk.
Remember she's also hurting and confused by all of this. Let her come to her own conclusions. Give her space. Get yourself out of the house. You need to not be there. For both your sakes.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
The thing I don't get, really don't get, is the line 'you've changed so much'. Well, I don't think I have, unless she means since she said IDLYAM. W also said 'you're acting as if nothing is wrong'. Well that's the DB coming through, trying to act confident and happy. I think W would prefer if I was miserable all day long.
So, what's changed. Well, W has been funny since she started 'the change'. She started being cold and angry for no reason, pushing me away. That hurt, so I pulled away a bit and started going out with the guys from work every few months. I still love her, I still want her. I have no reason to cheat or leave. I love the kids and would do anything for her. DB principles say I shouldn't say any of those things. Well, that appears to be true, as it hasn't worked so far, as every time I tell her how much I want her, she pulls further away.
So, how do I act. It seems that being confident and pleasant isn't getting me anywhere other than her pulling away further as well. I know actions speak louder than words and she needs to feel 'loss', but I can't move out to let her feel the pain. I look a lot different from the start of the process, but she hasn't mentioned that either.
I am starting to think this is a 'total loss' and whatever I do is just not getting through. W, through her various nuggets of information through the flack, appears not to trust me anymore with money. I've never given her any reason not to trust me. We've had a joint bank account within a month of getting together and I've never stopped her doing anything she wants to do.
It seems we're back to not talking mode. It's all just getting a bit too much for me, again. I'm getting to the stage where I say to her 'just go then'. In fact I think in the heat of yesterdays' battle, I said that. I also said 'I'm sorry you're unhappy being with me' and 'I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you'. Both ways of underlining what she has said. She replied to neither, other than with silence.
We've got a specialists appointment for our S today, which we both have to attend. Don't know how that's going to go. W has missed an appointment this morning for a hairdressing client. That's not like her at all.
This looks like being another terrible week. Part of this is my fault. I shouldn't have told her I loved her, but she was sobbing at the time and I just wanted to console her. Funny, but once that came out of my mouth, she stopped crying.
Long post - sorry!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, I don't post on other threads because I am new to this too. So take whatever I say as my opinion and not really advice.
Sorry but I missed the part where you moved out of M bedroom. You should not have moved out
Now that you realise you have been pushing her away do you think you can stop those actions? Anything I could say here are in sandi's rules!
My understanding of the situation is two fold. W is confused and any trying to clarify her thoughts will only push her towardsbeibg sure she wants out. So confused and uncertain is better than sure and finished. Secondly her noticing changes and you been too happy are good signs. Yes she does not like it but it is still good. Keep up your changes and pma .
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
This is a GOOD thing! Your W has noticed the changes in you. She's not liking it one bit because she feels loss of control over you and is trying to get you back in the same ol' box. She's trying to hammer you back in the circle, but the problem is that you're now a square peg. Ooops.
Keep doing what you've been doing because those changes are FOR YOU..not W.
Thanks for stopping by. W made me look like a complete w****r at the specialists this afternoon. Whilst I took my S to the toilet, she spewed her version of events to the doctor so that when I returned, the doctor looked at me like I was a maniac.
At the end of the appointment, she asked me to leave, like some kind of servant, whilst she talked to the doctor. I'm afraid this pushed me too far and I marched down the stairs, put my S in the car and just walked away. I walked for a good couple of miles, getting angrier and angrier about the whole thing, which I had resolved to come home and tell her that we were done and I wanted nothing more to do with her.
When I got back, W had gone to pick S and SD up from the cinema, so there was nobody home. I just sat down, fuming. When W returned, she had the cheek to have a go at me saying 'you can't just walk away from us like that' - funny, but isn't that what you're doing. I told her she had treated me worse that sh1t and that she needs to look in a mirror to see what she has become.
OK, I know I shouldn't have got angry, but she is pushing and pushing. Earlier on in the day she punched me in the chest as I was asking for an answer to a question (about house) that she wouldn't give me. Because I kept asking her, she decided that punching me was the best way out of the situation. It didn't hurt, that's not the point, has it really come to this.
I know everybody has chipped in great advice, and I am so grateful for anybody who is looking in, but I really need one of Sandi2 or Cadet to come by and just let me know where they think this is at. I'm close to just calling it a day and telling her to f*** off. I just don't think I can put up with the abuse much longer.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
When you feel that you're being spoken in a disrespectful way or W acts out of utter disrespect, you need to put your foot down and say, "I will not be spoken in this manner. When you are calmer, I am willing to listen to you. We are going to need to be patient with each other so we don't talk past each other or cross over each other."
What was the doctor's appointment for? What was it about? Not sure what's happening right there.
I don't think it was ideal for you to put your son in the car and walk away for a few miles. Your W has a very valid point right there. Use your head! Be the grown up here.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
OK, I know I shouldn't have got angry, but she is pushing and pushing. Earlier on in the day she punched me in the chest as I was asking for an answer to a question (about house) that she wouldn't give me. Because I kept asking her, she decided that punching me was the best way out of the situation. It didn't hurt, that's not the point, has it really come to this.
Respect is a two-way street, ya know. It seems you've tried to corner W here and would not back off. What's she supposed to do? You just and to push and push her for an answer. What was the urgency of that question??!! She was frustrated at your lack of respect so she felt that she had to resort to punching you to get her point across. Don't you see this at all??
Walk away and get yourself grounded first before you engage W. Use your head. Calm, cool, and collected. Remember?
